Treasure [h.s]

| 33 - Ocean Of Yellow |

I've gone through the motions of disappointment, confusion, grief, and fear more times than I can count in my life. I've always done it alone, and in the end, I've figured it out and gotten over it.

I'm starting to feel like all of my other problems have been a hairline fracture compared to the things Harry and I have had to go through. I almost feel silly for turning out how I did because of my parents when the man I'm in love with is being forced to do unspeakable things with the threat of losing his life. And that bar is already currently depleting.

He hid it so well. Another thing he had to hide from me, for my own good. He chose my happiness over his own again. He does horrible things, life-changing things, and although he won't say it, I know what happens in that room.

And then he crawls into bed, calls me his pretty girl, gives me the best orgasms I've ever had and puts diamonds on any inch of my body that he can.

As if those hands hadn't committed life sentences hours earlier.

As if giving me attention is of the same importance, or even more so, because he never wanted to split his time between me and his job.

His job is to be ruthless. A con artist. A scammer. A murderer.

And I don't blame him for it.

I'm not angry or upset. Or even confused anymore. I'm hurt. I'm hurt for Harry, who doesn't get a choice to be in this life. Maybe I don't either now, but I do have a choice in how I navigate the plethora of contradicting emotions that have sprung up in a matter of 48 hours.

How can I be angry at someone for wanting an ounce of normalcy when his day consists of guns held to his head, smuggling God knows what in God knows where, and having to make sacrifices based on corrupt morals that may or may not be his own? I don't know the types of things he's seen, so I can't be angry at him for wanting me, while also wanting me away from it.

I understand right from wrong, but the line is so thin and it's becoming blurred the longer I think about where my loyalty lies and my morals are being rehammered by it.

I know Harry, and even if that piece is one I hadn't met before a few days ago, that doesn't change the fact that I know his soul. His gentle hands. His loving words. The man who wants me to be with him for his final days and will do anything to make sure I stay taken care of and happy while he sacrifices his entire life.

I love him. And with that, I love every part of him.

He's not doing it because he enjoys it. He does it because it's his only option. He had to find something to keep himself alive and he happened to land in the palm of Lillith.

I know he won't ever hurt me and I trust him completely. He's giving me the rest of his life, so I'm giving him mine. I don't know that I'll ever be okay with what he does. I understand his why, but that doesn't mean I can feel completely settled knowing what he's doing. Especially now that I know he's been in danger because I keep distracting him.