(LOVE'S SPECTRUM BOOK ONE)
I've been awake for a few minutes, I'm just lying there loving the feeling of my angel in my arms.
I feel her move and her breathing pattern change. She's up. I acted like I was sleeping as I felt her move a little.
𝘋𝘰𝘯...
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I don't know what I should feel, I'm feeling really happy and this is something I have only felt when I read my books. But this is different. This is better than being happy because of books. And that says something.
The start of my day has been the worst. I couldn't help but cry and I can't even talk to Nate about this. It's so frustrating that I have no one left. I want to talk to someone, I want someone to care about me, I know Nate is enough for me. But he is still a kid, he is only 3 years younger than me but still he is. He can live without knowing what happened but I can't.
I feel so helpless and powerless and when I hugged Xander, I didn't know, I needed that hug so badly but I think I now have someone I can talk to, but I still don't know why I can't talk to him, I know he can help me and he will help me, but something is stopping me.
It has only been a couple of months but I have never known what having a friend feels like, but now I know.
I just don't know if I can handle this. He is doing so much for me. He has been there for me countless times even if it's just a small text message asking me how my day went, asking me about my work, if I have eaten anything or not. He is just so caring. I miss that. I miss that a lot.
Nate is still a baby to me and I know for a fact that I would never be able to tell him what I am going through. I don't want him to see me as a broken person.
I know that he would be angry at me some day but I have to do this to protect him. What happened that day, I don't know if I would have been able to handle it but I did. I have.
I couldn't think properly but I know one thing that I can't let him get away like that. I don't have the power tho.
What I used to feel around him has been nothing but the most uncomfortable moments of my life and the moments I have spent with Xander, they all have been so sweet and so beautiful. I have never smiled in the presence of someone other than my family so much, he makes me feel calm, he makes me feel relaxed.
I know one thing that I don't ever want to lose Xander and because of him I think I am getting this confidence that I didn't know I had in me.
And right now after all the things he did for me, bought me cookies, took me out to a book store to cheer me up and now I am 100% sure that he is nothing like him.
Even if my experience with men has been the worst and I know that every girl must have gone through this at one point or another, but because guys like my dad, my brother and Xander makes me realize that not all men are like that.
But still, it's not all men but all girls.
We can never change the fact that a girl has ever felt fully protected or safe, but I don't believe everyone is bad, it's just some guys and even some girls.
