"I wish I was capable to drain myself from the pain I soak in everyday but I need her to remind me that water does not only drowns, but it's also capable of bringing life."
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Today was one of my blue days, the days where my heart ache for no reason, like there was something digging my chest until I could no longer pretend to function properly. I tried to take deep breaths, and when I exhaled I tried to make the pain go away with the air on my lungs, but of course It didn't work, there was a cry stuck on my throat that made my voice tremble sometimes when I talk and my hands were shaking more than the usual. "Thank God none of the boys are here today", I thought to myself feeling some kind of relief. If they were here they would probaly notice and tell Sejin, who would take me to the hospital so the doctors could look at me worried, the media could make sensationalist articles and I could lay down with an IV drip on my arm longing even more for a double decker bus to crash on me so I could just be gone. I threw myself on the ground of the practice studio looking at the many lamps in the ceiling and taking long breaths.
"Fuck", I whispered under my breath and closed my eyes, "This feeling is never going away.".
"Koyangi?", the sweet voice felt like music to my ears. I opened my eyes a bit startled by her presence, and what I saw was the most beautiful thing. Bada was looking down at me with worried eyes and her lips in a small pout, just like that my world stopped, the heartache was gone as much as the cry on my throat. "Oh no, don't do this to me", I thought pleading to myself, I cannot be this emotionally dependent again, I cannot do this to her like I did to Christian and Dean.
"Hii", I said jumping from the ground with a happy voice, "I didn't know we had practice today, I'm sorry", I said already stretching, I was probaly a bit too energetic as the beautiful woman looked at me with curious and worried eyes. "We don't have practice today Luna, I just came to see if you were overworking yourself again", she answered with a bit of a dissatisfied tone in her voice. "I'm not, I swear, you saw it, I was laying down on the floor looking at the lamps", I answered trying to get away of the lesson she would probaly give me again. "Ok, but you were laying down after how many hours of practice?", she asked serious and I could not answer that question, even if I tried she would know that I was lying. "Luna... you can't do this, you have to take care of your health, you can't practice the whole day, you're gonna hurt yourself even more and I'm not talking about your physical...", my heart sunked at the thought she imagined I was mentally hurt in any way, I did everything I could not to show that side of me during our work hours, but how could she notice, was I in such a terrible state that I could not realize?. "I just have nothing to do so I came but I was just having fun, It was not work, I swear", I said cutely hugging her waist and putting my chin on her chest. "I'm sorry, baby", I pulled her even closer, our eyes met and instantly I felt my heart even warmer, I was so in love with her. Her eyes closed a bit as her smile got wider. "Can we rest now, pretty girl?", she asked cupping my cheeks with both hands, her soft fingers bringing my face closer to hers, our lips touched softly and I felt butterflies on my stomach, that kiss was full of love and understanding. We pulled away from each other after a few second to catch our breaths, Bada stroked my face and I had to close my eyes making sure I could never forget that feeling. "You're so cute my baby, I love you so much, you know it, right?", she said whispering under a soft giggle, "I love you even more", I said smiling shyly at her.
Bada and Luna were not in a relationship, but they were definitely in love, they never stated what they were, but less than a week ago they started having those intimate moments where they cuddle and made love promises to each other, at that time they didn't have a problem with just living in the moment. As much as Bada was in love with Luna, she also was worried, she always knew Luna had a tough childhood and life in general, everyone knew, but the sadness that the woman carried in some days was heartbreaking to see, she smiled and acted as everything was fine, but It was clear that her world was falling apart in her mind, and she was not satisfied with the answers Luna gave her today, she knew Luna was not being sincere but she would not pressure her too much now, she would try talking about it when they get home. Luna, on the other side, was trying everything not to show her blue moments to the woman she loved, she would not be able to handle the feeling of having her depression breaking the heart of one more of her lovers, Luna was willing to protect Bada from her psicotic mind.
We were cuddling at my home after a few hours, there was no tv on, no music, no cellphones or anything for us to distract ourselves, It was just us on the bed, on each others arms, I was resting my face on her chest as she tangled her fingers on my hair, the best felling in the world, our fingers were intertwined playing with one another's, listening to each others breaths we would kiss under whispered love promises and giggles. "Are you on one of your blue days?", she asked suddenly, making me worried. I looked at her denying with my head, "No babe, I'm not.". I caressed my fingers through her face, tracing every detail of her face that I would never want to forget. Her fox eyes, her cute nose, her beautiful and red lips and her cheeks. "Please don't worry, if anything feels wrong you'll be the first to know my darling", I said playing with her bangs with my fingers. "You're everything to me, please don't ever try anything an...", her voice trembled and her eyes were full of tears. My heart skipped a beat I could not believe I did that to her. "No, no, no...", I dried her tears with my fingers and caressed her cheeks. "Please babe, I would never do anything that could hurt you, I swear, please believe in me, I'm so sorry... My blue days mean nothing when I'm with you.".
