Front Lines(Kidge) VLD

Reflection

*Trigger Warning*
                                    (Mentions of suicide and self harm)

*Flashback*

Its finally happened. Im completely useless to the team. I dont do anything but mess everything up. That's all I'm good for. Ive always been alone, the only person I've ever had was Shiro, and even he left for a while. All i do is push everyone away. Cause I'm used to being alone. Im used to being forgotten and people giving up on me. Ive tried to end it all before. But Shiro caught me. I was a lot younger. Maybe thirteen, I cant remember. Him and Adam put me on preventative watch. They took me out of school for a month. And although they were very busy people, at least one of them was with me at all times. They told me stories of their old high school friends becoming paralyzed and mute from attempted suicide. No one wants to live like that.

Ive already gotten close while the team was still fighting. There was that time i almost sacrificed myself by flying into an explosion, but Lotor stopped me, as much as I hate to admit it. Then when I was on a mission with The Blade, I was prepared to sacrifice myself so the rest of the team could escape. I was willing to be blown up. If the team ever knew about this, i doubt they would've let me go back. Ive gotten pretty close to ending it when I was with the tea. But I realized that I would be a hypocrite. I yelled at Pidge for trying o run away to find her family, but I was doing the same thing in a way.

Now that the war is over, I'm all alone again. Everybody went their separate ways. Even Shiro has somebody. Lance, Pidge, and Hunk have their families. Sure we see each other from time to time when we make appearances at the Galaxy Garrison, but its just not the same. It's simply a wave, or a hello. Then we part again. This lonely feeing is overtaking m again. As much as I didn't seem like it, I had so much fun during my days with Voltron. Now it seems like the galaxy doesn't need us anymore. And the team doesn't need me. I'm starting to have as hard of a time as I did when Shiro went missing.

    It's quite chilly out tonight. I drove out to the Galaxy Garrison just for this. The exact spot on the roof where it all began. The spot Pidge discovered Alien chatter about Voltron. The spot Lance spotted me and Shiro. The day we all met and became a team, a family, friends. Although it was under dire circumstances, its still a special memory. I wore my signature outfit, in the hopes that someone would recognize me. As I put one foot off the edge of the wind ruffled my hair. I took a deep breath. As I was about to jump, I heard my name being called on the loud speakers. That's when I noticed a small camera hidden in the brick wall. Someone saw me. And I'd recognize that voice anywhere, it was Matt. I never would've come here if I knew he would be back. Let alone with Shiro.

    After I heard my name being called,  I almost lost my balance and fell off. I quickly backed away and sat against the wall by the stairs. I started to rethink everything. If I did this, all those people who saw me as a savior of the universe, would wonder what I was thinking. My mom would be sad, and so would the team. I can't imagine them coming to a funeral to see me in a casket. Their comrade, friend, family. I can imagine how heartbroken everyone would be. Why is that I can survive a war, but once I'm alone, that overwhelming feeling of loneliness and uselessness begin to set it. It's hard to fight, it's scary, but I know I've fought scarier. I've fought Zarkon for goodness sake. The war is over. Although the war inside my head will never end, I can choose to ignore it. I can find better ways. People look up to me. Who am I to ruin the image for them. I can imagine how sad the team would be. We spent years together on the same castle ship, saying we grew close is an understatement. I would do anything for them, and they would do the same for me. We stick together, always. No matter how far apart. We always have each other to confide in no matter what.

    I can't do this to them. I can't do this to myself. I have so much to live for. So many people to see, and so many things I still need to learn and get done. I won't be able to spend my nights staring at the night sky filled with stars. Thinking about how far away we were just last year. I accomplished so much in a few years, and I need to learn how to be proud of that. I broke out of my shell and opened up to the team. I learned how to be a leader, and how to be a follower. I learned how to care about people, and what it's like to have a crush on someone and the need to protect them from all harm.

     Harming myself isn't helping anyone. Killing myself would cause more hurt than not. It would cause more harm than I could ever realize. Realizing these things doesn't mean I'm not gonna think about it again. I'm always gonna have instances where I feel that I'm better off dead. Those thoughts never go away. My brain will always tell me I'm worthless. It will always degrade me. I just have to learn how to ignore it. I have to learn to keep my eye on the positive, and realize how far I've come. How much I've accomplished, and how many people I've saved. Even without realizing it.

      As I was deep in thought, the door beside me flung open, Shiro and Matt came running towards me. They quickly engulfed me in a hug. We sat there for 20 minutes huddled together on the roof of the Garrison, crying, letting it all out. Eventually I got so exhausted that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was in Shiro and his fiancés new house.

*Flashback ended*

    If Shiro and Matt weren't at the Garrison that night, I don't know what would've happened. I don't know if I would've jumped or chickened out.  I'm glad they were there. If they didn't stop me, I never would've seen the team again. I would've never seen Shiro get married and be as happy as he was with Adam.

    "Keith, are you ok?", Shiro sounded worried.

   "I'm ok, I was just thinking about something".

    "It's ok Keith, no matter how many times I have to, I'll be there to stop you. I'll make sure you know that we all love you, and we want you here", he hugged me.

   "I know Shiro. I know that now, and I'm glad. Thank you, I wish they all knew how much they mean to me", I smiled weakly.

    "So let them know. You don't have to speak, just use your actions. It's ok to be vulnerable. It's ok to care about people. And it's ok to let them care about you. We have each others backs, no matter what. No distance can separate us", he pat me on my shoulder before he walked away to talk to Matt.

   "Thank you Shiro, I wish you knew how much you've saved me".