Actor, 𝕭𝖆𝖓𝖌 𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖓

10 ; Actor

예전보다 못한 사이에 지친다
괜히 솔직해서 후련함은 없고 후회만 길다

The fact that we've grown even further apart than we were makes me weary
Because of my honesty, there is no relief, all that remains is regret

I found myself for the next couple of days writing down lyrics, so many lyrics on so many wasted pieces of paper. It was incredibly hard to write down lyrics. I had never done it before, but sometimes I thought it was kind of fun too. Getting lost in headphones, and getting inspired, and finally writing something you liked, it honestly felt great. 

Not to mention, I had listened to so many Stray Kids songs to get used to their voices. Hearing Chan actually sing into my ears on his songs, it felt so nice.

Not that I was great at it, but it always felt great to write down small sentences that are poetic. I could only wish that Chan would like the lyrics I was writing down. Perhaps he would feel the emotion I poured into them? I hope he will feel the meaning of the lyrics, it still felt strange to me that I was kind of writing them for him more than for the song.

I scratched my forehead to get rid of an itch, and an internal irritation on the inside my head. I seem to always get a writer's block after writing down one or two lyrics. I never knew how to change up words or use different adjectives for one theme. I groaned and leaned my head down on the table. This is the 7th piece of paper I've began writing down some lyrics, and I didn't want to crumple it up and put it in the recycling again.

"Korain-ah?" I heard a voice and I looked up at So-joon, "Everything okay?"

We were on set, and today we were spending the time filming in the school set the production team had set up. Right now, we were preparing for a lunch scene between my character and my character's best friend. So-joon was practising his lines, while I was busy writing lyrics. I looked up at him, clearly de-motivated with life.

"Yeah. Have you ever written lyrics or anything like that?" I asked him, desperate for some advice before Chan's birthday comes up.

"Lyrics? Nope, never." He replied back and I sighed, "Is this for the OST?"

"Yeah. I ended up meeting with the artists but he said he's going through bit of a mental block so I wanted to help." I said and I watched as So-joon nodded with careful consideration.

"Can I see what you've got?" He asked and I handed him the piece of paper with a few lyrics on. Most of them probably aren't going to make the cut for the song, but it was worth a shot anyhow.

"Do they sound alright?" I asked, kind of scared of what he might say and what he might criticize. 

"I mean yeah...a little childish except the last one you wrote. Yet again, your character is meant to be seen as 'childish' so I guess it makes sense." He shrugged, and it was clear he had no experience with lyrics.

"But my feelings should appear mature because I want them to be taken seriously." I said as I grabbed the paper back from him, "Even though I'm young, my feelings are serious. People tend to overlook that."

"Calm down." So-joon laughed, "It's like you actually have feelings for her." 

Her? Oh, he meant Ji-won, the actress who was to play my love interest. Despite her importance to the show, and to my own career, I always seemed to forget about her. She had such a grand presence but as a actress, I couldn't bring myself to care about her. Suddenly, he thought I had feelings for her? I looked at him weirdly and he chuckled.

"Korain, So-joon! Are we ready to get started?" The director came into the classroom, cameras and more crew following him ready to get set up for a few scenes. We quickly stood up, and I walked over to place the paper into my bag. My actual bag which had found itself as my prop.

October 3rd was in a few days now, and in that time, I hadn't talked to Chan just liked he wished. He hadn't messaged me with any updates either, so I assumed the song wasn't complete at least just yet. I wonder everyday what he felt when he messaged me that, and if he was truly okay with it unlike I was. 

For his present, I was of course going to put flowers in there for him, and show I appreciate his hard work despite not getting along right now. I was going to put a card with a full and loving message telling him I'm pursuing him regardless of the small age gap which he already dislikes. A some sweet treats he might like, but it'll all be a complete guess on my behalf. A small buddle of paper with lyrics on which I hope he'll appreciate and come of use to him. 

I just want us on the right path again, and I want him to know that I like being near him. There's a chance he might push me away further, after all, he's worked hard to be where he is and the prospect of a relationship suddenly coming upon him is tough. I was prepared for it, and I wouldn't let him push me so far. I could give him time and space, but I wasn't leaving without him at least giving me a proper chance.

Everything that he's scared of, I would show him it's not that scary. Loving someone isn't scary. Perhaps at first, especially when your liking the same gender when you didn't know it. Sometimes it still scares me but then I think of Chan, and how we laughed together, and all the problems seem so far away.

Would Chan be scared because I'm younger, and maybe I'm just a rad bit irrational at times? Do I talk too much, is he scared I'll say something? I want to be able to reassure him for the rest of my life. 

Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic. I like him, but I don't know the depth of my feelings just yet. I would like to find out. I just hope Chan will give it all a chance. It's the one time I've ever been so selfish, but I know there's a fine line and I won't cross it. Hurting Chan is the bottom of my list, and if something doesnt come of my feelings, I would like to remain friends.

I think.

Now, what flowers does he like?