Hell is our girl // tom kaulitz

pt 1; the "favorite" one 🖤

"you really need to sort your priorities,
cmon k let's go buy some new dresses"
~bill Kaulitz

toms pov:
it's been 3 months since the whole airport incident and ever since i've been realising that im not ready to be a dad, im only a teenager myself j want to go out and go to parties sleep around sleep all day not have a care in the world but i have to be back by 12 and up at 9 every morning because i have a child that i need to take care of, ive been thinking of what kalens life would be like if i was to give her up and let a normal family take her, let her live a normal life stay away from me and we could both go our own ways she can be a kid i can be a kid and she'd have such a better life then what i can give her right now because i know that she deserves so much more then what i can give her, she deserves a dad and a mom a home where she doesn't have to get on planes every month and live in your busses and hotels where she can have a dad who give her all his attention and i can go back to getting drunk every night with the band going to all the after parties and sleeping around, let lose stay out all night sleep all day without having to get up early in the morning, she can have a family who have the time to be at every one of her activities she can go to a public school, she can have friends who want to be her friend for her not because her dad is a famous guitarist she can have a normal and stable home and family life, and i wouldn't have to have all these responsibilities on my hands.

but then there's a part of me that doubts it, i wouldn't see her everyday, i wouldn't be picking up her toys from the floor i would wake her up when we have to go i wouldn't wake up to her shouting me or jumping on me no more of her cheek kisses or bear hugs no more of her climbing into bed with me because of a nightmare no more watching disney movies all day when she's sick, no more late night milk bottles no more bubble attack bath time no more matching with daddy days no more taking her to rehearsals no more having her backstage after every concert ready to cuddle and kiss me, no more of her mispronouncing words no more helping her out tooth paste on her tooth brush no more trying to take the lions hair no more swimming days or shopping days no more of having her make silly jokes or dragging us all around to show us things no more seeing her in the studio trying to play my guitar no more dressing her up like me no more holding her hand to get her to sleep no more dada or papa no more watching the pacifier gently fall out of her mouth in her sleep no more constantly trying to fight with her to let me wash bow bow, i would gain so much more freedom and privileges but i would lose so much not even wanting to mention all of the big milestones in her life i would miss, would i miss her or would i forget there's so much going on in my heart and head right now i didn't notice bill snapping his fingers in my face,

"earth to tom?" he asked "huh what?" " i said what's yours and kalens plans today?" "oh urm i don't know but we need to talk" i said "okay shoot"
i looked at kalen seeing her play with her barbie's,

"i think i might give kalen up, but im confused because i would lose so much and miss so much of her life but then if i do i could get to do all the things i used to do without any responsibilities of another whole human,"
"what are you trying to say tom?" he asked confused
"i don't want to be a dad anymore i want my freedom back, but i don't want to lose her forver" i confessed
"so your freedom is more important then getting to raise your daughter yourself?" he asked "mhm" i mumbled
"you really need to sort your priorities,
cmon k let's go buy some new dresses" she jumped up and put her shoes and coat on holding bills hand, "don't go mad bill!" i shouted and he just walked out of the door and left me in really deep thoughts once again.

chapter 7 ✅