Hell is our girl // tom kaulitz

pt 3; the "favorite" one 💛

" i know it hurts doesn't it, she went from seeing you everyday and always having you to comfort her to them, and i know for a fact your heart breaks when she calls you tom instead of dad but that's your consequence from your own actions!"
~ bill kaulitz

toms pov:
me and bill walked to the car and leaned against it and lit us both a cigarette up, "so what wrong why'd you wanna talk?" he asked "how does it feel right now?, seeing her with these people?" he asked and i looked down, "weird, if feels really weird like i just wanna pick her up and take her home with me and never let her out into the world again" i confessed "well you can't do that because it was your amazing idea to give her up, me and all the band said we'd take her for a bit so you could get things sorted in your head but no tom you didn't want that you had to send her away" he said puffing on his cigarette, "don't you think i fucking know that? the past 4 weeks i've been sober no weed no parties no girls, because all my feelings come at once and i realised how much of a big fucking mistake i made it fucking hurts bill!" i said " i know it hurts doesn't it, she went from seeing you everyday and always having you to comfort her to them, and i know for a fact your heart breaks when she calls you tom instead of dad but that's your consequence from your own actions!"

i looked down because i know he's right this is completely and utterly my own fault because i didn't think this through properly i decided that my need to be a teenager was bigger then my child, and i thought i was doing the right thing by letting her go and be with a normal family and now i know that i have realised that she doesn't need a normal family at all she needed me, bill, georg and gustav that's all she needed and now ive realised that i was too scared for what happened to me and bill to happen to her and kept her away from school, i completely forgot that this is a whole new generation and she can't tell me if things feel right or wrong because i never let her experience them.

i do believe that i made the right choice sending her here so they could push her to do the things that i couldn't but i didn't realise that the rest of the band was willing to do that for me, and bills right hearing my baby not call me dad and just "tom" it breaks my heart because i know that i have pushed her way too far and now im scared that i wont ever be able to get my baby back to me.

maybe i made the wrong choice because she needed me?

maybe i made the right choice because now she knows what a normal healthy family looks like?

maybe i made the wrong choice because where she needed to be is with me and the band, her real family?

but did i make the right choice because now she knows how to be a normal kid?

or did i make the wrong choice because she needed to experience all that with me there?

is it the right choice to make her stay here until she wants to come home?

or is it the right choice to go and file the paper work to get her back to me so we can fix things together?

i can't tell what's the right choice and what's the wrong choice.

mr and mrs lockwood come outside to the front garden.

"hey tom, ready to talk now?" mrs lockwood asked and i nodded and pointed to bill, "hes staying though" i said and the nodded.