The Last Cabin

Chapter 21- Three Months Later

One sunny afternoon at summer's end, Finn and I took rings we had made of wood, and stood in the tall grass exchanging vows, while Thad ordained us and Marcie acted as my bridesmaid. The squirrels, birds and butterflies were the only ones to witness this makeshift event, but the way the sun lit up Finns smile, the whisper of the wind through the grass, the flutter and song of birds overhead transformed the world into a place that didn't seem so dark. In this moment I was complete, in the warmth of daylight glow, I was whole with this beautiful man that stood before me, as he promised he felt the same of me.

The summer had been bountiful with fruits and nuts from the surrounding trees, while the soil in the garden, by chance, was fertile, resulting in heavy crops that kept us fed through the end of the warmest months. It wasn't the kind of food I craved, nor dreamed of, but my stomach was full and more peaceful that I had ever known it to be. My skin had become clear as glass. But most unusual, my mind was preoccupied, not with what people thought of me, nor what I looked like, but what I was going to be doing with my hands that day, how far I needed to forage in the forest, which plants needed more attention, what was going to be ripe enough to pick? All questions I had never asked myself in my previous life.

At first, I thought i was going to lose sight of myself without my daily anti-depressant, but that too became a distant memory I had forgotten far too fast. Granted, I was taking baths in the cold creek behind the cabin, and my feet had a layer of dirt that wasn't coming off soon. The things I used to worry about didn't compare to what I was facing now. Someone telling me how crappy of a writer I was was nothing compared to whether or not I was going to eat. Remembering a year ago, I used to wake up in the middle of the night, with a heaviness in my chest, stressing about all the negative comments I would get on my social media, and taking them to heart. I believed I was worthless because these people would instruct me to do so. I didn't have a safe place to land during those times, so I laid in bed, covered in sweat, unable to sleep, until the sun crept up in the morning. Now I sleep like a log, sometimes waking up sore from the day before.

I knew autumn was approaching when I woke up one morning to a cloudy sky and cool morning air. My plants looked as though they were shivering as I walked among them, looking for vegetables I could harvest. I didn't know what month it was, but if I could have guessed, I would have said it was nearing October. Which left me with a fear of the colder months; I thought of my pantry overflowing with jars and containers filled with salted or pickled produce, dried nuts and fruits. Living for the hope that Thad and Marcie would be generous with us if needed.

The days were getting shorter, while Finn and I stayed inside more often and slept late. The plants in the garden gave up by what seemed to be the end of October. We filled almost every corner of our modest cabin with one of our many pumpkins or butternut squashes we planned to eat over the next months. Laughing at the thought of all the superficial pumpkins I had decorated with before, merely to get a sense of what fall truly looked like. The surrounding gourdes were a sign of a good growing season, of survival through winter. The human desire to reenact that feeling this time of year must have been so ingrained in our minds, we kept doing it despite the endless food that the grocery stores once carried. I missed the grocery store; having an option on what to eat any given day, any cuisine, any kind of flavor was right at my fingertips: Thinking of what it would take to get back to having markets again.

This time of year, I thought of Halloween, and many Halloweens past. How as a child, I dressed up as a princess and walked the busy streets of my neighborhood, holding my mother's hand, with my brother, who dressed as a bat. My mom would smile at me as we hopped from door-to-door together. The excitement of all the candy; a whole pillowcase to myself. When I got back home, I would dump it out on the floor to see all my treasures. Elated, I would eat enough to make myself sick, then wake up the next morning to eat more, and I did that every day until it was all gone. It seemed so excessive now. My teeth hurt thinking about it. Candy was one thing we didn't grab when we made our lone trip to the market in town, but as I thought of Halloween, I asked myself what I would give to have a Reese's peanut butter cup. Or if I would ever eat chocolate again.