The Days That Count

33. The Day Of Kissing (Part 2)

JORDAN'S POV

Why is she being so persistent? She is making me mad and frustrated. I didn't want to have to explain why I said that stupid thing. Why did I even say it? I got myself into this mess. Honestly, I never would have told her that I just didn't want them to be so close and reveal myself in such a blatant way but I couldn't afford her thinking I was judging and making taunting comments related to her kissing that guy at the club. Honestly, I heard that Maxx and her weren't speaking for about a week before breaking up which gave me clarity about why her deed was somehow understandable. I was completely unaware of her situation when I equalized her situation with Yvonne. I mean, I never really thought she was like Yvonne. My ex girlfriend is such a high level of inconsiderate and mean that I just can't put anything Heavenly would do into comparison with Yvonne. I was just a bit disappointed because it's Heavenly. She's always been a good girl. Seeing her kiss that guy shocked me.

Also, seeing her cry in front of me this time shocked me as well. I didn't know what to do with her tears. I just felt completely ashamed for making her believe I think that way. I could never think that way.

As we savor each other's frustration and emotion through that kiss that seems to have got beyond control, I hum hugging her close to me. My senses are high and I don't know what to think. Better not to think at all. Impossible deed for me. What is gonna become of this keeps playing in my head. She is kissing me back and doing it so sweetly that I melt in her embrace but it awakens fear of unknown territory inside of me. My gut is tied in knots, but fireworks are exploding all over my head, that's the kind of feeling she gives me.

I don't even know her heart. Maybe she is kissing me back because we just got caught up in the moment? Maybe not. I don't know. What if she does have feelings for me? God, what do I do? Yvonne's words suddenly hit me like a bomb.

You are useless. You are just a pretty face and a hot body. You have no moral or spiritual value at all. There isn't a girl in the world that could be happy with you.

The heaviness grows. How do I deal with this lack of confidence? Did she really cheat on me because I just wasn't enough? My heart keeps drumming. Heavenly bites my lip a bit which snaps me back to reality.

Her arms are wrapped around my neck and her little hands are squeezing my hair. My hands find an opening between her blouse and jeans and come in direct contact with the skin on her waist. I gently squeeze it as my action comes with a bit more force. Heavenly lets out a low gasp when I press myself more against her, trying to get a release of these haunting thoughts.

I pull my face back slightly, our noses still brushing each other, and give her a small questioning gaze. She is breathless and can't seem to look at me so I leave our foreheads touching and stare down as well. I try to catch my breath. I don't know how long ago I lost it.

Heavenly is just so pretty right now with her long way hair caught by a hairpin on the left side. It keeps her hair on the right and makes perfect access for me to hold the side of her neck. I run my thumb across her cheek as I do. My eyes close. It's not fading. These destructive thoughts that I have. They are slowly killing me on the inside. Besides that, my head is dizzy. I am so drunk. My head falls to her shoulder and I breathe in and out slowly. She shivers but doesn't move. Her hand gently caresses the back of my head.

"Hey.. Jordan, " Heavenly whispers.

I squeeze her waist as I pull back to meet her gaze. Heavenly's eyes twinkle.

She looks to the side for a second but then meets my eyes again, "Are you okay? Your breathing is loud. "

That's when I realize I am almost hyperventilating. My head is hurting me and I feel sick, but not the alcohol kind of sick. My thoughts made me get a kind of anxiety. As I begun to question my worth and this situation with Heavenly, I didn't even realize I was having a small panic attack.