i'm so in love with you | k.nj + k.sj

chapter seven

namjoon glanced at his professor, mouth closed, eyes straight ahead. for a moment, he understood. until he didn't. the words spoke to him sounded like comprehensible and coherent words until it sounded like mere background noise to his ever growing, loud mind.

like a camera for a brain, he's losing focus. surroundings turning to nothing but background somewhere.
under him. below him. behind him. anywhere. somewhere. so far away. so blurred. so out of focus. so out of touch.

namjoon gulped.

he could not feel a single thing. it's like his body is there but his conscious mind isn't.
he's thinking about something else. something far more worse than not graduating at all. far more worse than not meeting the average for his university.

something that involves dying and getting buried.

his eyes were no longer staring at his professor but only straight at the whiteboard full of phrases, bullet points, and arrows.
his chest feels so lightweight yet so heavy at the same time. heartwrenching yet so relaxed.
so many negative thoughts ran through his mind that the only positive thing is that he wants to end it all.

why is it nothing but misery? why does it hurt so often? why do i have to suffer this much?

therapy is his last solution and yet, it seems so far within his reach.
this country is shit. the healthcare is shit. the medical field is fucked. one session costs so much. his life is shit and fucked.

if i disappear now, i won't be dealing with any of this anymore. if i die tonight, i no longer need to think about anything that hurts me, anything that triggers me. i don't have to cut myself. i don't have to always think about drinking paint thinner or hanging myself on the ceiling.

"namjoon, are you okay?"

when was the last time he felt okay? like truly, genuinely, from the bottom of his heart, okay? it felt like such a distant memory that it seems like he's an old man reminiscing his younger years.

he forgot what happiness and being okay meant. he forgot what genuine forgiveness is. like saying sorry because you mean it and not because you're just tired from explaining your side and shouting with one another.