i'm so in love with you | k.nj + k.sj

chapter twelve

plump lips
pretty, pretty eyes
lovely and soft aura
no hint of lies|

namjoon stopped typing and thought for a while. he thought of seokjin and his heart ached.

he quickly came to the idea that maybe his feelings would be less painful if he could somehow be free to express his feelings for seokjin without any fear of being judged.

and rejected.

judgement stings even when it comes from people who knew nothing about him but it is nothing compared the hurt when he becomes judged and rejected by the friend he truly cares about. not only judged but possibly not accepted for what he feels like is what namjoon fears. they are best friends but just the thought of it all already hurts namjoon. he cowers and hides behind pages and a small online account where he can freely express his emotions, his feelings, and who he really admires.

why can't people be accepting for who others really are?

why must he be judged for having feelings he can't control?

namjoon sighed and stared blankly at his laptop screen, hands hovering mindlessly on the keyboard. he knew the emotions he wanted to convey but found it hard to type the words he wanted to express. he wanted to express the feelings of warmth and angst, of love and hurt, and of happiness and letting go. but with all the english words his mind has ever known, nothing seems to make sense to him at all.

the feelings were there but the words seem so distant.

and in the end, namjoon turned his laptop off and put it away. despite having the urge to express, there wasn't anything that was coming to his mind. nothing but sadness and seokjin. what good can that do, anyway, namjoon thought to himself. he love writing as much as the next writer but then again, if he continues to force the words out of his brain and hands, he'd write nothing but sad and angry frustration.

not only about himself but for the love he couldn't say out loud.

writing about depression is tiring.
it's like being trapped at a dried well, wanting to get out of there, but doing nothing but scribble words at the walls of the well.
he knew it won't save him but it does it's job of distracting him from the fact that he's in dire need of help to be saved. sure, he can save himself but then again, he still needs help from a professional to get him out of there. not only by a professional, but from those who truly care about him.

namjoon stopped thinking.

was he still thinking about the well or was he talking about his depression now?

namjoon sighed and raised the sleeve of his sweater, revealing multiple scars and several attempts of wanting to end it all.
he thought about every attempt, what happened, and what it meant to him.

looking at it all, it seems like there's no point in looking for help.
to him, the spiralling sadness felt much more better, comforting, and familiar than seeking help from a professional that would, in the end, give him multiple medications that he wasn't even sure would work for him.

everything is so tiring to even think about.
it's slowly draining the life out of him and quickly dwindling the remaining days of sanity left in him.

it's nice to just give in to the darkness and jump to the other side but namjoon felt like it wasn't the time for it just yet.

you're eyes followed me
as i felt the fast pacing of my time

i wanted to tell you i'm fine

to teach you how to read

in between the lines.|