Clato: The Cost of a Broken Heart

Chapter 21

1 Month to the Victory Tour

CLOVE

It is the first November I haven't gone to the Harvest Festival. I was released from the psych ward a week ago but I'm not allowed out of the house without my new guardian. Not that I wanted to go, it just would have made me feel a little more normal. I hate having a guardian. The word itself gives me shivers. It feels like she is simply taking Favian's place.

Her name is Marian and I hate her. I can't quite explain why, although Marian is always trying to tell me. For whatever reason this makes me hate her more. On the bright side, hating her gives me direction. Marian will not shut up about "finding direction to your life".

She and I spend a lot of time together since she's only allowed to leave me alone to shower and sleep. I like to ignore her. I've started calling Marian my Shadow. She says calling people names is a healthy way to get out my aggression. If only I had my knifes so I could show her a "healthy way to get out my aggression".

I spend most of my time reading. It's easier to ignore my pain when I am living someone else's. Sometimes my memories sneak up on me and my hand shakes more than it usually does. I keep my bottle of pills on hand. When the shaking gets bad or I start feeling panicky I take one. Or two. Or six.

Sometimes the pills stop working or they don't work enough. That's when I lose control. I shake and shiver violently. I scream and see dead corpses and feel Favian's cruel touch. This is the only time Marian does much other than watch and talk at me. She is surprisingly strong. Marian injects me with this special calming drug and I go limp and the world fades away. On the bad days I get knocked out on purpose so I get a break from living.

The days pass monotonously. One day, Brutus stops by with boxes and boxes of paperwork. He knows I want to look into my parents' death and everyone agrees this will be a good way for me to have closure.

My living room turns into a library. Papers cover the floor where my blood once did. Brutus and Enobaria stop by once in a while to help sort papers. Whenever we finish another box I lose more hope. One day I get so tired of it all that I trash the boxes and paperwork. The sheets fill the air in torn up strips like falling snow. I am stuck in the arm with a needle. Brutus drags me away from the boxes as I am taken under by the drugs. Soon, leaves are falling instead of paper.

It's not the worst kind of life. I haven't had a chance to kill myself yet. I think I'm waiting for something--or someone--before I decide to live or die. I am waiting for Cato. I need to see him one last time. I need to figure out what we have and if he can ever forgive me. I need to know if grief has ruined even this. Most importantly, I have to find out if he thinks I can still be saved.

It feels good to finally have some choice. I decide if I die. I decide if I want to live.

So I sort papers and read books, waiting for Cato to tell me if I can be saved.

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CATO

They won't let me see her. It's been months since I got even a glimpse of her. My Clover.

That day was the worst of my entire life. First, I scattered my baby sister's ashes into the quarries. For a second I wanted to jump off the cliff and follow her, protect her like a big brother should. But I didn't.

When my parents told Clover that she and I should have died in the arena--that was the last straw. I just couldn't handle having Clove around, not when I told her to stay away. Not when we'd already cost two people their lives. Having Clove there made me feel even worse than I already did. I found myself staring at her, wanting her beside me. Every time I caught myself about to go over and let her comfort me, I felt even guiltier. Here I was at Scarlet's funeral, drooling over this girl, when Clove and I spending time together cost my sister her life.

I was so angry with myself that I hurt Clove. And now, and now. . . .

I almost lost her. Oh God I almost lost her. Never again could we spar, or eat lunch with Elise and Roni, or spend lazy days watching movies, or dance pressed up against each other, or kiss under the stars. I could never wake up wrapped up in her again. Oh God oh God oh God. I can't lose her too.

Every day she was in the hospital I tried to break in. Every day Brutus and the guards slammed me against the doors and dragged me away. In a weird way I was grateful. If Clove saw me, who knows if it would make her better or worse. Probably worse if she feels the same guilt as I do. The same draw. At least if I couldn't see her I was being punished for it. I always feel like I need to be punished for something nowadays.

That's probably why I still go to the fight ring. It feels so good to unleash my anger on other people because I have so much anger. I guess I understand why Clove did it. Bleeding is like the guilt is leaving me. At least a little bit.

I miss her so much. Recently I've taken to jogging by her house. Sometimes I catch her shadow in the window and even that is beautiful. The Victory Tour is only a month away. I'm hanging on until then so I will have an excuse to see her. Honestly, I don't know if Clover and I have a chance at a happy ending, I just want her to be okay.

I just need her to live.

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A/N Please comment and vote!! Who thinks they have a shot at a happy ending?