Living in Non-Existence

Ch.3 The Judges of All

My hands gripped the steering wheel tighter, my knuckles whitening from the pressure. The sky was darkening, no longer the customary crimson of the setting sun, it was now a powder blue signaling the emergence of the moon and stars, the true brilliance in the night sky and the galaxy above.

You see, the way I always saw it, the sun and the moon are people watching over us. There is no deniability because I can see the face of the moon as I gaze lovingly at it. That face has been the most constant figure in my life, aside from the warmth of the sun. I could talk to them anytime I wanted and they would never judge. No derogatory words or condescending looks, they were simply there for the tears and the smiles, the laugher and the agony.

The darkness of the night and its partnership with the moon allowed me to recoil into the shadows of my darkest secrets, while the brilliance of the sun found those weaknesses and brightened them. That is why nature was my first friend.

Crossing the bridge into town was easy, no one was driving at ten o'clock here, evidently. They're probably scared of the tourists, I thought. I would be too; we are greedy, looking only for a temporary relief from reality and we do it by escaping to a town where actual families live and destroying it, each in our own way.

I stopped at a red light, loosening the grip of the wheel. Staring to the left I could see the endless ocean, I could hear the roar of its waves as it coaxed me, enticed me, to stop the car and jump in. No, I am going to the house and then I can leave to do something, although I am not exactly sure what.

A group of screaming teenagers passed in front of the car then. They couldn't be much older than me but I seemed decades ahead.

That should be me, I thought. That is what teenagers do: leave the house, throw parties on the beach and flirt with strangers. I shivered at the thought. Yes, that would mean my control would be lost but it would be worth it for a little fun. I shook my head, no, I had to reach the house.

The light flashed for the teenagers to walk faster but as soon as it reached 3... my gaze lingered a second too long. In the group of teenagers was the boy of so many girls' dreams, standing in front of my car, with no intention of moving.

It reached 1... he still stood there, our eyes locked on one another.

The light changed to green... but there stood my car and there stood the intrusive boy. His friends hollered for him to get out of the street. Like someone breaking out of a trance, my head snapped to the side where his friends were standing, yelling, and then back to the figure finally crossing the street completely.

I sped off. A summer romance would be as good for me as a termite is good for wood.

This is my philosophy for it. Falling for a boy over the summer is irrational, there are so many impending factors. Division of state lines, is one example. Or better yet, division of hierarchy. Although someone is popular in a huge city, does not mean they will be popular in a small town with a new clique. I sighed at the concept of summer love, in a certain way it is liberating to know that to love someone in such a short amount of time is attainable but also to know that your heart can break, shattered into thousands of millions of pieces by the same boy in the same time perplexed me.

My mind stopped wondering as I pulled up to the driveway of our beach house. I had not seen this place in years but the paint was fresh in its white and blue. The garage was neat, no accumulation of dust whatsoever. I was impressed with the staff here.

Walking in was a completely new experience. My family are large investors of fancy, overly ornate furniture. But here, everything was modern, no clutter, no bright colors, everything in hues of the ocean, the sand, and the absence of color, white.

It is a large house, one story with several columns throughout. I tried several times to find a room with a suitable view of the ocean. I settled with the master bedroom, with its clear shot to the beautiful unknown. I dropped my bags, finally free of the burdens on my shoulder.

Opening the glass sliding doors to the back patio I felt the misty breeze. Breathing in the salty smell, I felt at peace. The moon looked down at me as I kicked off my sandals and walked down the stairs, my feet automatically merging with the sand below me. I squished my toes in a little farther down so the little granules were covering my whole foot, sand between my toes. I felt, ironically, like myself, for once. I was free of burdens, free of judgment, free of acting like a prissy little princess. I was me with the sea.

I walked down farther to the ocean's edge. My feet colder with the wet sand below me. I felt giddy, about to giggle as the water slowly tickled my toes with each wave.

I sat on the sand, far enough that the water only touched my toes. My tiny jean shorts now covered in sand, my straight brown hair flowing behind me in accordance to the wind. My green eyes focused on the moon once more.

Hello, my best friend, I sighed. It has been a while since we talked. You know me, always here and there but never anywhere I want to be, it has to be different now, this summer is going to be different. This summer is going to be me blazing through town like a force of nature. I am going to be in charge but I am also going to lose control. So moon and stars and sun above, please watch over as I try to have fun.

I heard loud laughter coming from a few feet away, instinctively I stood up. It was the same teenagers that had passed in front of my car, I noticed as one of the screaming boys moved closer. My body turned back in the direction of the house, my feet walking back, I just wanted to rest, no interruptions. The wood of the patio crunched with the sand falling from my toes and clothes.

"Hey!" I heard one of the boys call out, since he was already with his friends I assumed he shouted it to me. Turning around I saw him slowly run over, he approached the stairs tentatively not wanting to walk up them, maybe out of fear. I looked him up and down, he was handsome, anyone could see that. Dirty blonde semi-curly hair, eyelashes the length of a butterfly's wings and a body that any boy would be jealous of. "Hi," I said looking into his eyes. Although the moon was the best source of night light I couldn't see his face clearly until he stepped onto the first porch step. He was a lot more Greek god-like than I had imagined, but he didn't seem to know.

"I'm Marc," he said slowly climbing another step up, another step closer to me.

"I'm Antoinette, now why are you here," I was trying to sound normal, nonchalant, but I was tired and this boy was not making me happy with the fact that I had absolutely no makeup on and that my hair probably looked like a rat's nest.

"Well, I kinda live here. Not this house...but you know..." Marc looked into my eyes almost pleading for this awkwardness to fade. I said nothing in return. "Anyway, there's this beach party right now. I figured you just got here but you're totally welcome to come," as a side note, he added, "if you want."

I smiled, trying to sum up all my years of casual flirting and good graces into this moment of utter confusion. "Yeah, Marc, it's so nice to meet you but I did just get here and I'm not really planning on doing anything for the next few days besides sleep." I scrunched my eyebrows together in a way of expressing sympathy, poor kid had no idea what I was actually like.

His face dropped a little, his white smile wavering, "oh, yeah, I totally get it, no worries." He climbed the remaining three stairs and stood towering above me a mere five inches away, extending his hand the short distance until I took it. "It was nice to meet you, so I'll see you around." Marc said shaking it before letting go.

"Yeah, you too," I said, my voice breathy. I couldn't explain what it felt like when his hand touched mine but it was nothing that I had thought before.

I watched him walk back to his friends, the girls consoling him probably for his failure and the boys laughing hysterically, looking my way. They all waved, so I waved back before going inside. The moon smiled down at me, I figured I knew what it thought. That that was my chance to start anew, to become who I wanted to be, to be a teenager, finally. I nodded to the sky, I know, I thought, it will be different in a few days.

With my conversations finished and my introductions made, the curtains closed, my clothes changed I fell on the bed. My eyes closing to the world but opening to nights endless wonders.