Living in Non-Existence

Ch.14 Feeling It

I was standing right in front of him, his brown eyes burning with the fire of hurt, of longing. This isn't how I wanted this to happen, I thought. I wanted to drive away dreaming of his happy face, to think of him and know he would be alright.

That is not what was happening.

Marc's fist clenched and unclenched at his sides, his jaw muscles tightened angrily, his brown eyes hidden behind disturbed slits of skin. I could see the rigidity of his structure, no muscles twitched, no emotions faltered. Staring at him in his pain pulled at my heart strings, every beat deeper and harder than the last.

My chest rose higher and higher each time, like an asthmatic gasping for air. No exhalations occurred, that I remembered . The beating of my heart slowed down but rose in volume, my ears were fogging over into near deafness. I was fading from this world.

I could feel my feet unhinge from the ground, launching me into an atmosphere unknown. When I looked down I saw Marc, standing alone in serene composure as though he hadn't just witnessed me float away. Maybe that's what it would be like if I left, he wouldn't remember me, I was only fun for a while.

Yet I see him standing in front of me, my mind finally placing me in the present.

"Antoinette," he said seriously enough for my eyes to meet his. "You don't see what you're doing to me, do you?" His voice didn't crack but I heard every intonation and sad word.

"Marc, let's not do this," I said because I honestly didn't want to. I wanted to leave the way I already was before I took this little detour.

"Not do this?" His jaw, spastically clenching and unclenching. "My cousin just called me telling me you were leaving!" He stepped closer to me but I stepped back, matching his steps. "We have two weeks left! Have you thought of that?" Now he was angry, almost yelling at me on this cliff above the ocean.

I felt myself cowering like a small child, every breath like a stab through the chest. I was standing right in front of him, his brown eyes burning with the fire of pain. This isn't how I wanted this to happen, I thought. I wanted to drive away dreaming of his happy face, to think of him and believe that somehow he would be alright. That is not what was happening. 

"If you were leaving, why did you come here? Didn't you expect me to come find you?" His voice was pleading, desperation creeping onto my skin. "This is our spot." 

He said it as though I had forgotten, like I could. This green cliff, above the sandy beach, blue ocean, and white town houses was the only place I felt safe, like I could let everything go. I think more than half of the reason for that was because Marc was with me, his eyes searching mine to learn everything, his arms wrapping around me instinctively when the tears would fall from my eyes. He was safe and yet I had come here alone. 

"Marc, I can't do goodbyes, I've never been able to," I said, a renegade tear escaping down my cheek. I expected him to blow up even more on me but to my surprise, the redness in his cheeks seemed to disappear, the vein bugling from his neck receded and his eyes opened to look at me with pity. 

"Hun, you aren't mean to go through life alone, never. I know your family does it different so you think I'm wrong, but I know for a fact that I'm right," he stepped closer to me, this time I didn't step away, "don't you know that a goodbye hurts everyone, wrecks everyone's hearts? You can't just leave and expect people to move on, to forget you, you have a presence in their heart and mind, why would you want to get rid of that?" he took another step closer to me, now a mere inch or two away. 

I could feel his cologne, mixed with the salty air, my tears came more freely now.

"Antoinette Nathan, you have a place in my heart and my head is completely yours, every minute with you, I'm only focused on that, we're supposed to have more time. More time for everything." His arms wrapped around me.

The heat from  his hands scorched my body and as soon as I had felt it, I felt nothing. The world escaped into oblivion. Nothing existed anymore, just me and the abyss.