The Super Kyman Project: Collection of Kyman Stories

8. Authoritah?

Word count: 2854

This chapter is terrible bc we don't know how presidential elections work. we're sorry

We all watched in anticipation as we waited for the results to be called. I felt Cartman's plump, voluptuous, morbidly obese fingers intertwine with mine. I looked up at him and reassuringly smiled.

It all comes down to this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It all started 5 and a half years ago when Eric Cartman showed up at my doorstep.

I had not seen him since high school graduation, which was 19 years ago for me and all our other friends, and 15 years ago for him (he was held back 4 times)

"Cartman? What are you doing here?" I asked.

Everyone knew that after cartman graduated from high school, he applied to every single college. He only got accepted into Greendale Community College and went there for his law degree.

It made sense since the only thing he loves more than cheesy poofs is arguing. He actually became a pretty good lawyer and started becoming rich.

He then started his own business relating to his law career. After that, he earned millions and obviously did not spend any of it on another person.

So, showing up on my doorstep was definitely unexpected. What could I have that Eric would want?

"I need your help," Eric said, making deep eye contact with me, I nodded for him to continue.

"I want to become the president of the United States of America"

"What?! Cartman. Be realistic, " I scoffed, but he looked dead serious

"I am. Think about it! I'm old enough, I'm rich enough, and I have a big enough reputation!" He said, and everything he said was true, but CARTMAN as president? No way.

"Okay, so why do you need my help?" I scoffed

"In our modern society, the world would never elect a dashing, handsome, white, straight, man." He explained

"Well, you're not handsome or dashing, so you don't have to worry about that," I snickered

"SHUT THE FUCK UP JEW" He screamed, same ol' Cartman, "What's your point" I said growing impatient.

"Kyle, if I say I'm gay, it's a guaranteed win. Marry me, Kyle, and you'll get all the power in the world." He propositioned me.

"What? What the fuck Cartman! No way!" I went to shut my door, but he stopped me.

"Kyle, think about it. You're jewish. You need the money... the power, if you agree to doing this with me, you'll get all that and more." He waved his hands around as we talked

"Cartman, this is crazy."

"You say crazy... I say genius."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't really remember what else happened but somehow, Eric Cartman had made me accept being involved with another of his crazy plans.

According to Cartman, the first thing we had to do was pretend to be a gay couple.

When I first heard of this plan, I called BS right away. I mean me and CARTMAN?! How can we make THAT believable!!

So why did I still agree? Well you see I always wanted to be president, heh... But then I realized how much work it was and decided being an accountant would be easier, per se.
(I majored in politics)