DENIAL

25

"I don't see why I had to be the one to do this."

"If you complain one more time—"

"Okay, okay! Damn. I don't know why you couldn't just ask Jamie or Aidan."

"Stop being so indolent and help move this."

"Don't even know what the fuck that means." Hayden murmurs under his breath.

It's been a few days since Alea came to visit me. During that time I finally got admitted from that insufferable hospital. However, my condition still needs to be monitored and checked daily in case any side effects of surgery occur so I'm still hooked up to machines— just fewer now.

Machines that Hayden can barely lift up.

Mobility is still very difficult, so I'm in a wheelchair as well.

I feel horrible. Weak.

Unlike myself.

My body feels feeble. Even laughing a bit too hard aches my muscles and stretches the sutures on my injuries. My face is still sore but looks better than it did when the accident first happened.

I saw the pictures. My face was completely swollen and bruised and almost unrecognizable, but luckily there was no severe damage and it healed fairly quickly.

The rest of my body?

Not so much.

I have bruises and injuries everywhere on the lower part of my body, all on my chest, stomach, shoulders, legs, back. My entire body is still hurting and sore from the incident, but nothing aches more than the pain in my chest.

I don't know why my heart still craves for her.

I want to hate her, I want to see her face and not feel anything for her but it's illogical what she's done to me.

There's no denying it, no fighting it.

A part of me is still madly in love with her.

Hell, every part of me is.

How can I look in her sensuous eyes and not feel anything for her?

Not feel the way my heart skips a beat?

But she doesn't have to know that and I can pretend I don't either. Lying to yourself is the easiest way to numb yourself from the pain. Sometimes the longing is too severe for the heart.

I'll convince myself that I hate her until I finally do.

Even now I'm not sure if the next time I see her I'll be back to begging on my knees for her love, for even the slightest bit of affection, or try my hardest to try and act like she has no effect on me— when in fact her very existence pains me.

To know she exists walking this earth without me hurts more. I want her to need me so hungrily it eats at her, like it eats at me.

But she never will.

And I have to accept that and move on.

The sickening and gut-wrenching feeling I get in my chest every time I lay my eyes on her may not ever go away, but I'll have to learn to live with it— to know this ache and longing will be buried inside my bones until the day I am in dirt and soil.

And worse of all, Emmalyn's words still haunt my brain.

"You don't matter to me, at all. Or anyone. You're just a little boy begging for any scraps of love anyone can give you."

I don't know what's worse, Emmalyn breaking my mind or Alea breaking my heart.

"Leighton? Leighton are you okay?" I didn't even realize I had completely zoned out. I'm in my head so much I forget reality.