Vegas: Devil's Rose #9

Chapter 11: June Emerson

I didn't exactly end up calling any therapists. Instead, I watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and called my mom all while eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Maybe it's not the healthiest way to cope, but I feel much better anyway.

Part of me wants to talk to a therapist about what I'm going through, but at the same time, I also don't feel ready to do so. I can't even talk to the people who care about me about what's happening, I don't think I can talk to a stranger. If anything, I could use a big fucking walk to think about everything. I'm not kidding.

Tomorrow, I'm going to take my car and drive up into the woods and find space to breathe for a second. Bruce driving me cliff face sparked something in me.

For a second, it was easier to breathe, to be, when I was there. If that helped me, even if just for a brief moment, I want to try and replicate that feeling. Maybe I might start to have some clarity about what I'm facing.

Nature has been known to be healing so it makes sense.

Talking with my mom about some of it did help. I mostly talked to her about Bruce and Westin, nothing about how it all started. She was honest but kind. Her favorite line she said too.

If I'm even thinking about something with Bruce, then Westin most certainly is not the one for me. I shouldn't even be thinking about another guy if I'm really in love and want to spend the rest of my life with Westin. I know she's right.

I mean, that sentiment has been told to me and many other people before. I've even said it when my friends have asked for advice, but admitting to myself right now is too difficult. If I admit and accept that, it means a six-year relationship that I've dedicated myself to and sacrificed things for was a waste of time.

I'm not at all ready to face that.

I eye my keys lying on the kitchen counter. I could go anywhere I want. I could just go and leave it all behind. I could pack up my things right now and disappear. I would leave a note for Bruce though because he would absolutely come chasing after me to make sure that I was safe.

I could be a different person somewhere else or find an archaeology dig. I could never come back to this city. I could never walk these streets again. I could never work as a waiter again. Maybe I should go. It might be best for me to walk away from Westin and Bruce and all the shitty things that have happened to me here.

Or am I running away because I'm too scared to face what's to come? Running sounds great though. It's the greatest solution I have right now.

I get up off the couch, geared up to spend time for myself while also feeling like I'm doing something, not just rotting in my apartment. I take a quick shower, put on my hiking clothes, and start driving into the forest at breakneck speed.

It's like I can't fucking get there fast enough. As the road begins to weave, the sun shines through the trees, and only the birds can be heard, I roll down my window and let the hot breeze run over me.

Like any reasonable person does when taking a drive, The Lumineers play through the speakers of my car, and I feel relief wash over me. I smile to myself and take another releasing breath.

When I find a good spot, I park my car on the side of the road and head down the trail and into the forest. The air is crisp and clean but not cold. Instead, it wraps around me like a blanket, the sun helping with that too.

Forest bathing, which is actually a term first developed in the 1980s in Japan and is now a widely used practice, is one of my favorite things to do. Not every place that I've gone has a forest like this, and I would miss it if I were to leave. But I don't have to think about all that right now, not when it's just going to stress me beyond belief.

A couple with their dog pass me by, and something weighs on my chest as I hear them going back to giggling with each other when they are behind me. Westin and I have had some amazing times together.

Moments where I never felt more happy, and I was able to let myself live. I wouldn't trade or change those times, however, they are fleeting and rare. It's partly my fault because I have had to travel or be gone for extended periods of time for my job, and that can make the connection between us difficult.

But now that we have both been living in Grove Heights for about a month now, we still haven't had more of those moments, if any.

It's becoming increasingly obvious to me that we aren't meant to be together. He isn't a bad guy. He's just not my person. He's not the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Someone out there will be better for him, and I think that's beautiful.

I can't settle for him because I know I deserve someone who wants the same things as me. He deserves someone who wants the same things as him. We're holding each other back from finding a better relationship.

We're holding onto our relationship because we've been together for six years, but that isn't a big enough reason to stay together. It's going to be hard to have that talk with Westin. No one finds a breakup easy, even when it's warranted. But it needs to happen for us to move on to bigger and better things.

A hot breeze flows through my hair as I step out onto the cliffside without the protection of the trees. I stare out into the vast space of the desert, finding Westmoor settled at the bottom of the mountains.

There has to be something out there for me. There has to be something to spark my interest in life again. There will be something to help me heal. I just went through a traumatic moment. I think my body is now fully realizing that that happened to me.

Rex is the one that hurt me. It's his fault, and he's already been punished for his crimes. It's time for me to try to move forward and heal in a way that makes me feel safe and comfortable once again.

I think I should do what makes me feel better. Whatever that may be. And if that means hanging out with Bruce then so be it. If that means trying to find an ethnoarchaeologist job around Westmoor, which I'm sure exists, then I will do that too.

I need to stop doing things I don't want to do because I feel like I have to do them. I also need to stop guilt-tripping myself into not doing the things I want to do. I deserve to do things that bring me joy.

My gaze drifts back to Westmoor, and I know exactly where I want to be and who I want to be with. A smile finds itself on my face, and I head back down the mountain to find Bruce.

It doesn't take long to find him. He's usually in three places. My apartment, Devil's Rose headquarters, or the bar. He's at the bar when I see him with a couple of the other members sitting and standing around each other.

One I recognize as Octavius, or Tank as he's called here, from college. Tank truly does fit him. I don't think I know the other two members, but I feel like I've seen them before just around town.

They talk animatedly about something, but the instant I walk in, his eyes land on mine. He goes to stand, however, I wave him off to let him continue talking - I don't need him right beside me - and go to order myself a drink from the bar.

From across the room, I subtly observe Bruce, watching his body movements and the way he throws his head back when he laughs. He's so incredibly handsome. I had no idea that one person could be so fucking attractive.

It's not like I didn't know that before understanding that I'm starting to love him differently, but now it's new. It just feels different than before.