love and rage - solby

cut my heart like your wrist

colby <3 - tw: heavy mentions of self harm, abuse, and bullying. this chapter starts off heavy, and continues to carry that throughout the whole chapter. read at your own risk if you are uncomfortable with anything listed. and please be safe, xoxo

the both of us were laid next to each other, sam wearing my favorite jacket. his hair perfectly covering his pretty eyes, his  lips parted slightly and his chest rising so gently. he was so beautiful. i pulled him closer, slipping a hand to his arm. his eyes shot open, pulling his arm away and sitting up quickly.

"sam?"
"s-sorry. i just.."
"you good?"
"yeah." he said, looking away.

"sam, what's the matter with you?" i asked, scared he would scream at me, or worse, shut me out.

"nothing, swear."

sam <3
one year ago

"fuck, fuck, ah fuck, fuck." he whispered, dragging the blade across his wrist. his tears blurred his vision.

"mmf fuck.." he said, quiet but painful. he pressed harder as he drew the lines across his wrist.

his father banged on the door, twisting the knob and finding it locked. sam had locked the door in fears that this would happen.

"open the fucking door, sam. i dont have time for your dumb fucking games right now."

sam managed to lift his head from the red floor and his red arm, his head pointing from the pills and his eyes blurry from the tears and the meds.

"sorry.." he whispered. he couldn't hear himself, his ears started to ring, his head pounding harder and his chest constricting. he tried to breathe but he couldn't, his legs shook and his arm stung so bad. lines tore through his pretty skin, his clean, pretty skin. he felt the tears drop down his face.

"look what you did.." he whispered to himself.

"fuck you. fuck me. just let me die already."

his father started to kick the door, sam was fading in and out of consciousness and he was so tired of keeping his eyes open.

"sam, open this mother fucking door now." his father demanded, and for the first time sam heard worry lace his tone as he asked him.

but sam was already gone.

three days ago

i looked down at my arm. the scars had been set in stone for a couple months now, thick lines that were there forever. scars i opened again two hours ago.

the only thing i could really focus on was 'what if colby notices' and i don't know why i did. it was stupid of me and i wish i hadn't done it. my father had resented me since he saw me in the bathroom. ever since he had to pay to keep me alive.

"are you ready or not? what fucking takes you so fucking long to get down here?"

he wished he never spent his money on me.

i wish he never spent his money on me.

colby <3

i watched as sam sat up, looking like he'd seen someone die. he hadn't responded to me, so i just squeezed his hand.

"sam what's the matter?"

"nothing."

sam <3
a week ago

i looked up at my dad, who was holding his fist in the air. he was screaming at me to do something for him, i wasn't listening. i was more focused on how when he yelled at me, the lights in colby's house went on.

why did he care so much about me and then act like he doesn't? it doesn't make any sense to me. either he likes me or not and he's showing both and it's fucking-

"are you even listening to me? huh fag?!" he said, slapping me. i stepped back.

"don't fucking touch me, i don't want your diseases."

"excuse me?" he breathed, pulling his fist up as a threat. like i wasn't used to it already.

"i said i don't want your fucking diseases, you deaf or stupid?"

he brought his fist down to my face, he kept wailing on me for a little longer. i looked up through my blurry eyes, seeing a bright light above me. it was the last thing i saw before i blacked out.

two years ago

i sat down at my deck, dropping my stuff on the floor beside me and looking over to the boys that would talk to me. they weren't looking in my direction, they were looking at each other and talking in hushed voices, like they were talking shit without me, or..about me.

"hey guys, what are y'all talking about?"
"nothing, just the homework yesterday."

they were lying to my face.

"oh, okay, sick!"
"yeah, whatever."

they responded. why are they being so bitchy today?

—after class

i ran into the restroom, setting my things down to wash my hands. the door was swung open and in came my friends, tate, micheal and lincoln from my first period.

"oh hey guys."

they rolled their eyes, two of them walking past me and staring at me.

"there something wrong?" i asked. they were acting real weird.

"nothin, just the fact we all hear you been tellin katie taylor that mike wanted to fuck her?" tate spoke, raising a brow at my confusion.

"don't play retard, you fucking snitch." micheal sneered, balling my shirt up in his fist and yanked me back, slamming my face into the stall lock.

i groaned on the floor, reaching for the spot when my head hit the metal when tate kicked me in the stomach over and over again. micheal stomped on my hand, proceeding to join tate in kicking me. he kicked my head, each hit making my head static and the lights brighter.

lincoln stepped forward, and both boys stopped kicking me. he pulled me up and lifted my sleeve up to reveal my wrist, and he flipped his pocket knife out.

"let's give you a tattoo, hmm?"
"n-..no, please.." i pleaded, my vision spotty and my head pounding.

he dug the tip of the blade into my wrist, dragging it across, making a scrawny, not-straight line. he spelled out his name on my wrist, his full first name.

my ears were stinging with tears, my mouth open but only broken sobs escaping. my throat was closing and my vision was fading.

colby <3

"sam..? what's on your arm?" i asked, horrified at the name 'lincoln' scarred on his arm.

a tear fell from his eye and he leaned against me, his tears soaking my shirt. i didn't care.

"i'm sorry"
"it's ok, sam. i got you."

word count: 1121

a/n : hey guys 😍 how'd you like the angst!! also sorry for not updated for nearly a month.. MY BAD! i was busy with HELL i mean school. also it's giving ben from it and henry bowers!!
"IM GONNA CARVE MY WHOLE NAME INTO THIS COTTAGE CHEESE!"

stay preppy homos 💕😍🌈