love and rage - solby

walking parallels

colby <3

sam looked away, avoiding me and avoiding the question.

"sam please don't do this to me." i whispered, i needed his response. i needed him, needed him to live. needed him to try and fight for me, for himself. just to live.

"sam?" i tried to get him to talk, but his jaw was clenched and his eyes were already filling with hot tears.

if there's one thing i know most about sam, it's that he pushed people away when they got too close. i was pushing him too far, bending him beyond his limits and he didn't know how to adjust fast enough.

i know he is feeling like i'm cornering him.

"sam, please just answer the question. i swear, baby i won't be mad. swear." i pleaded.

he looked up, through his teary eyes, and for a second i thought he looked like he genuinely wanted to tell me everything. he looked up at me like he trusted me with everything, but only for a moment.

bliss only for a moment before he looked away, hiding, shying away from the question. shying away from himself.

"sam pl-"
"yes, okay? i do want to kill myself. matter of fact, i've wanted to kill myself for years. you know how many times i've looked at a gun and wanted, needed so badly so desperately to pull the trigger? to pull that shit and let the bullet in my head? i want to kill myself, colby. i still do. i did, i do, and i'm about this close," his voice cracked and a tear spilled down his cheek. "to actually throwing myself off a cliff. to fucking, fucking kicking the chair or downing those stupid fucking pills that johnnie has for whatever fucked up reason that frankly i don't give two shits about."

sam took a deep breath. i looked at him, a knot twisting in my stomach, painfully. my head hurts.

my gut was telling me to hug him, but he didn't seem like he wanted to be in a closed space right now.

"sam, i've been there before-"
"no! no you fucking haven't, colby! you haven't. you had your mom, i have no one." sam yelled over me. if i'm going to be honest, that hurt. i was there for him. he has me.

"you don't know what it's like for me, colby. it's different. you had someone to help you and to motivate you to do, whatever the fuck you do, while i have no one. my dad hates me, my mom hates me, my sister and my brother hate me and you hate me-"
"stop." i said, grabbing his arms. he tried to pull away, but i kept him in place. my heart was beating faster, and my hands were starting to  shake.

"i don't hate you, sam. pushing me away won't get rid of me." i told him. sam was crying now, pulling out of my grip.

"no, no you're gonna leave me too. i know this shit. you're gonna dip the second you see how crazy this shit is." sam said, his voice trembling.

i didn't know what to do. sam looked like he was two seconds from throwing himself into oncoming traffic and the only person i could think of that would possible help was-

jake.

"sam, what if i called jake?" i offered, holding his waist.

"no f-fuck him i.." sam tried to say, but he just closed his mouth and cried harder. i pulled sam into a hug, his tears dampening my shirt. i rubbed his back while i grabbed my phone with the other. my hands shook as i scrolled through the contacts, my breath stuttering.

-on call
"hey, jake?"
"hhey coolbyyy!!"
"you good?"
"mmmh."
"it's about sam."
".."
"look, colby, i know that you're concerned for him or whatever but he really fucked me up earlier kay? he can deal with his own shit. leaving me to kill myself was something his dumbass chose to do. maybe now he can get a taste of his own medicine."
"jake, i get that you're mad but he really does care about you."
"no. he doesn't. he's selfish and he only cares about himself."
"please, just for a couple minutes, i can just put you on speaker."
"no. sorry, maybe i'll tell you why another time but please."
-off call