love and rage - solby

at least i do

colby <3
two years ago

looking at the blood on my floor didn't scare me as much as it used to. i set my blade down on the counter, my heart just sinking as i realized how many cuts i made. all i really remember doing was slashing blindly and waiting for the pain to occur.

when it did it almost made me pass out. my breathing was throaty and it came out sounding like a zombie.

my brother walked in, dropping his phone.

"colby.." he mumbled.
"shut up 'fore she sees." i breathed, and i sat up.

"colby what the f..uck." he asked, sitting next to me. he moved my face.

i didn't want him to see me like this, my eyes slits, my skin paper white and barely getting enough air to live. blood, everywhere.

the world spun violently, making the pills come up my throat.

"i have to throw up." i said as clear as i could. it came out strangled and uneven, broken, almost. tristan stood up, grabbing my forearms and pulling me up too.

he opened the toilet seat, breathing deeply and quickly. he was panicking.

"i'm sorry t." i whispered, my eyes trying to focus on his face. i couldn't see him, in fact i was starting to see dark spots fade in everywhere. my stomach lurched, and i quickly felt the acid burning my throat.

i felt the tears streaming down my face, my body tense.

i felt so bad.

...

colby <3
present time

i looked up at sam. his pretty face, his pretty eyes.

he's perfect.

i hope that he never find out what happened.

i laid there and stared up at the light until it hurt my eyes. then i closed them and let sleep take me.

but that only made things worse.

i didn't want to sleep but i was just so tired, can't keep my eyes open and my thoughts in order.

"should we take him back to our room..?" johnnie asked, looking at sam.
"probably." he said quietly. jake nodded, and picked me up.

"hey colby, you still up?" he asked me, my eyes fluttered open. i was awake.

"there's my beautiful boy." jake teased, but the laughter from him sounded painful. "don't do that to me again, colby." he whispered.

i was about to nod off, but i gave him a smile and a quiet 'yes'. he deserved it.

i wanted to get better for jake and sam, and johnnie. they deserved it.

and tristan and my mom didn't need to see me like that again.

two days later <3

i was feeling better, i really was. mostly because of sam's help. i owed sam a lot, but i am very grateful for what he was doing for me.

soon enough, we were back to our regular routine. regular, irregular routine.

but i still wanted sam, matter of fact i think i needed him. i thought we would be okay.

we would be ok.

i hoped.

the sun rose and set on that day, the last day on our trip. we celebrated by walking around downtown, sam and i, listening to peep and tracy as we strolled through the streets.

it was very bittersweet, and the gray area and uncertainty was killing me. would sam want to be a thing still..?

i know i did.

but i didn't want to seem rude and ask.

i didn't want to hurt sam anymore.

...

"colby, i'm tired." sam spoke. we were sitting on a bench out in the dark town, staring at the sky as we watched the sunset together.

"of?" i asked.

"acting like this won't be a problem." he said, pain evident in his voice. there isn't a word to describe how desperate i wanted to tell him it wouldn't be a problem, but he was right. it was a problem.

for him.

"for you it may be. look sam, i just want to be with you." i told him. i meant it, too. i wanted to be with him more than anything in the world. he looked over and smiled slightly.

"thank you."

"you're welcome."

— worlds away // lil peep

. LETTER TO SAM

this time i wont be empty handed when i leave a trip. this time my heart will be full and my stomach won't be turning because i have someone to set it right. someone to hold me.

so thank you sam.

thank you.

i love you more than you'll know and more than you'll ever understand. you saved me in more ways than one and i'll never be able to repay you for that. i'll stick by your side until the end of the universe, until the end of everything. nothing will separate what we have. i love you, sam.

i just hope you love me too.

the end 💗

word count: 803

a / n : goodnight, and thank you for reading this.

i wanna take a moment to say that this book was in progress when i was being dragged through the trenches and being beat to hell and back. but i'm here. i'm still here. i wont leave forever, because if there's one thing i've learned from this book, it's that life isn't worth living without meaning.

so find that meaning. find what makes your life worth living. go be someone you want to be, not someone you need to. go out there and do something to not only make your family and friends proud and happy but to make yourself proud and happy. do this not only for your friends and family but for you. you are special, you are important, and you are loved.

remember that. always.

cherish what you have because it won't last forever, both happiness and sadness are temporary. nothing is forever unless you work hard to make it forever.

learn from mistakes and be better than who you were—always be trying. don't give up.

because the second you look back is the second you fall behind.

keep going forward. keep pushing, keep going.

thank you.

xoxo,
star ⭐️