love and rage - solby

important - not a chap

hi.

i'm not okay.

it's late, and maybe this is a mistake and maybe i shouldn't even fucking publish this but its late and i don't give a shit.

a few days ago i threw up.

i have emetophobia, also i haven't thrown up in over 9 years.

it hurt, it hurt so bad and it burned my throat and it burned, i don't know how else to explain it but it just hurt so bad.

i just sat down on the floor in front of the toilet sobbing and throwing up.

it was 3 am, i couldn't sleep, i didn't know why, i had chills and my head hurt and my stomach was flipping.

then i stood up to look at myself in the mirror and that's when i realized i was going to throw up.

i ran as fast as i could to the bathroom, and i just cried as i threw up.

i tried to hold my hair, and i tried to calm myself down but it hurt. it hurt so bad.

it hurt a lot.

i remember turning around to get some water from the sink to get it out of my mouth. but it didn't work. i just spat it out in the toilet and kept throwing up.

it burned and i was gripping the walls so hard i actually put dents in it and made my nails bleed.

it fucking hurt.

when i finally finished, i went to wake my brother up.

the reason i went to my brother first is because he is used to throwing up, so i figured he would know how to help me.

i was sobbing and shaking his legs because i was on my knees on the floor, he was sleeping on an air mattress. i was trying to wake him up and instead my dad woke up, and he asked me what was wrong.

i tried to talk but i couldn't.

i just couldn't.

it still hurt.

after i told him, we washed my hair and went to sleep.

i was very scared to eat the next day, and the day after that, and every day since.

i genuinely think i'm traumatized from that. it still hurts to think about and i still remember how painful that was. how horrible it felt.

when i told my friends, i texted them, maybe it's because i was texting them or something but they didn't seem to think too much of it.

that hurts, too.

so i just wanted to make this because, yes the next chapter is currently being made, the beginning has to do with throwing up.

also because i think it's important that y'all know what's going on.

i love y'all.

so, so much and i'm so grateful for you.

next chapter coming soon.
- star ❤️