Attack on Titan: Survival and Dedication - Male Reader

PART FIVE

Burying hot rocks under a thin layer of dirt was something Yvonne taught him. It was the end of a long process, yet no one could argue how effective it was.
  Winters in Paradis were brutal. If it wasn't the Titans or starvation, it was the cold. And after years of living under the former soldier's tutelage, it was fair to say that he could manage well on his own.
  The moon wasn't anywhere to be seen, leaving everyone but Y/N to seek refuge in their tents.
  There were at least a few hours until dawn, but his shift felt like a lifetime. To make matters worse, a fire would only attract the few Titans able to move in such conditions. However small the chance, it was too much of a risk.
  And so he sat there, his cloak wrapped around him while flakes of snow pattered off his natural camouflage. It wasn't the best thing in the world but it was far from the worst.
  Eventually, when his shift did come to an end, a pair of heavy boots crunched over the thick and icy snow.
  "Your prototype seemed to be a success." Erwin said, his voice barely louder than the winds hitting them. He sat at his side, sharing the small patch of dry and warm dirt.
  "It can be better." Y/N replied. His voice was muffled under three layers of winter-wear.
  A lantern rested before them both, highlighting the powder and ice billowing off the ground.
  "I know." There was an audible smile underneath his hood and cover. "But I'd like to ask you a question, if you don't mind."
  "Sure." Y/N said. It took a moment for the Commander to piece together his words, long enough for the lantern to flicker and the darkness to return.
  "Why are you here?" His question was framed with a genuine curiosity. "I know you said the pay was good and we negotiated such when I hired you, but you display a resourcefulness I've only seen in Hange and her squad."
  Why was he here? He could ask himself the same question over and over again and it would change every time.
  Right now, he needed money. Tomorrow, he would need to see the sea. And the day after that, he would need to leave this island behind.
  But why was he still here? In this place in particular? The answer was also simple but he felt he didn't owe it to Erwin.
  "I see." The Commander hummed. Y/N's silence said enough.
  "You've been beyond these walls," He stated. "And farther than any expedition has taken us. Do you ever wonder if there's more out there?"
  "There's Titans crawling all over the South and bandits living in the North. There isn't much to be seen beyond that."
  "And our rivers?" Erwin asked. "Where do you think they lead?"
  "You're asking questions like you already have the answers to them."
  "Perhaps." The Commander nodded. "You're familiar with my father, but have you heard his theory?"
  "The idea that we were all manipulated?" Y/N asked rhetorically. "It's only the ridiculousness that carried it so far."
  "You think he was wrong?" Erwin wasn't offended, just curious.
  "I have no idea." Y/N cleared his throat. His voice was already dying from all the talking. "People could say there are even worse beyond the Titans and I'd say it's ridiculous, but never a lie or deranged ramblings. The truth is, we just don't know until we see it."
  "I see what you mean." Erwin hummed. "And what do you think?"
  "Of his theory?"
  "Yes."
  If only you knew. Y/N thought with a sigh.
  The only reason he didn't spout such things were for his own sake. The government of this island had its own agenda, their own rules. He could shout the truth from the rooftops and be considered nothing more than a madman. The thought was funny considering people worshiped the walls as god's gift.
  "I just won't know until I see it." Y/N eventually said, knowing he never will.
"I suppose I'm the opposite." Erwin shifted about, getting comfortable. "I know it's out there, and I will see it."
  Maybe you will. Y/N hummed.
They didn't call Erwin a devil for nothing. He had an entire legion under his command. If he played his cards right, he would surely get them somewhere outside of these walls.
"And can I ask you a question?" Y/N turned his head just enough to see the glimmer of his blue eyes.
"Ask away." He said.
"Why did you send all of those people for just me?" Perhaps Y/N was belittling himself, or maybe Erwin underestimated his abilities. He didn't know.
The truth was there and Y/N just needed to hear it.
"Your death would have been a bigger loss than you think." Erwin said in a soothing voice. "I see the look in your eyes, the way you carry yourself, and your indifference to the world. You show a determination that's almost unmatched, but who you owe it to is unknown. That's why you fight to survive and don't really mind if today is your last."
  "Sharp eyes." Y/N added. He didn't need to mull his words over.
  "That's why I need your help." The Commander's voice lowered, making his tone empathetic and compassionate more than anything. "You got us here, Y/N. You led us through these lands without so much as a glance from a Titan."
  Y/N shook his head, already denying his request.
  "You asked why I'm still here." Y/N bowed his head and turned his focus to the unlit lantern. "Before my—mom left, she made me promise her I'd live. So far I'm doing that just fine. My only problem is being left here in this shitty world."
  Y/N was bitter but his tone was as calm as a man openly reading a book.
  He was numb and far too used to his circumstances. But in the end, his natural instinct to survive prevailed.
  "How am I supposed to ever settle down?" He asked as a genuine question. "Find love. Have kids. Die old. It's all a dream at this point, and we're all stuck in a nightmare."
  Erwin listened. He took in every word with a modicum of pity but a glowing sense of resolve.
  Y/N didn't know it, but his will to go on was inspiring and infectious to the veteran Scout.
  "I guess it's that promise that's kept me going." Y/N sighed. "I'll make the best of it with what I've got."
  "And if you help me find that world?" Erwin asked, his voice barely higher than a whisper. "One where not just you, but everyone else, can attain that dream?"
  The wind had died down and low, overhanging clouds were brushed aside. Leaving just the two Scouts and the stars looming over Wall Maria.
  "Or die trying." Y/N muttered. "Sorry, Commander. But I'm not dying anytime soon."
  "And Yvonne?" The mere mention of her name brought Y/N to full attention, even when he didn't show it. "What did she think? Why did she put herself through all this?"
  "We needed money." Y/N said, saddened. "And it was the only thing she knew how to do. But I know that's what she told me to make me feel better. She was really in it for herself."
  "What do you mean?"
  "She tried atoning for something she did. Whatever it was, she said only in death can she be forgiven." He scoffed. "She was a nutcase like the preachers who cry for this wall. And it's no offense to you, Commander, but being under your lead isn't a good way to die."
  "And if it's the only good way to die?" He asked, hoping for a genuine answer. "You realize how the world works, I see that now. So why cling to a fantasy, when you can help make it a reality?"
  Erwin had a way with words, Y/N had to hand it to him. Not that it inspired him. The Commander only dug the pit Y/N sat in deeper.
   "I looked over her record. She was an exceptional soldier with accommodations spreading over an entire page. That's not to mention her forty-nine confirmed kills."
  Forty-nine wasn't something to scoff at. The only one with a higher Titan count was Levi, and his was to be rumored in the hundreds.
  The staggering number only brought Y/N pause.
  "What do you think drove her to such lengths? If she was as crazed as you say, then I ask this. What did it matter? If death was the ultimate end, why earn it in such a glorious fashion? Or did she care in the first place?"
  "You want me to die." Y/N stated as a matter of fact. "For you? For everyone?"
  "I never mentioned such a thing." His expression was hidden and his voice as cold as the snow settling. "Death is always a possibility in the Scout regiment. But the fantasy you cling to is not. Not alone."
  "I don't owe my allegiance to anyone." Y/N said in an offhanded insult. "I get paid and you get your equipment. That's how the world works."
  "Then we're right where we started." Erwin was as neutral as ever. "Why here? You could sell your ideas to the government and live the very dream you desire."
  "They're not my ideas." Y/N rubbed the bridge of his nose. "They were ours. And if I sold them to the MPs it would only make the world shittier."
  "Ours." Erwin stated, earning his gaze. "As in the Engineering Corps. It was you and your comrades that pieced together that prototype."
  "Comrades is a strong word." Y/N said but never disagreed.
  "Even so, you can't bring yourself to disgrace such a machine and the hours put into building it. You would rather give it to us."
  Y/N's brows furrowed to his thought-provoking words. He was finding answers he didn't even know had questions to.
  "You want a better world, a dream made reality. But you know you can't find it alone." He lifted a gloved hand and laid it on Y/N's shoulder. For once, the Scout didn't feel discomfort.
  "That's what the Scouts were made for. And those very wings you wear symbolize freedom." He offered a comforting squeeze to not so warm words. "Yvonne would have felt the same. I see no other reason why she did what she did. She fought for a world we have the right to claiming, one I know is out there, and one you dreamt of. So what other way can you find it than here?"
  When his hand retreated, he left behind a ghostly visage, a feeling that remained even when his hand did not.
  "If not for a dream, then for your comrades, those that fell believing the same thing, or for her. For Yvonne."
  Death. It was the ultimate end. It awaited everyone. But what Y/N saw at the end of his road was a lonely, frightened end.
  Perhaps he could live. By that he meant truly live. He wanted what he couldn't have in Paradis, but anything beyond it seemed impossible.
  Did he fear death? No, he realized that a long time ago. But did he fear never truly living? Yes. It was why he walked hundreds of kilometers every month.
  A bad death, one where he marred the world with his presence, was somehow worse.
  But maybe, just maybe, he could find that ideal world if he walked far enough or at least died trying. And in that end, it would be a good death.
  Erwin really did have a way with words.

The next day was spent gathering more data.
  Levi was beginning to get used to his harness by practicing swift movements or sharp turns. Y/N didn't know how long he's been at it, but he left five empty tanks in his wake.
Y/N's busy scribbles were inevitably disturbed. It wasn't a surprise that Hange never learned about personal space, or caught on to his antisocial nature.
However, the former began to feel less invasive despite never changing in demeanor, and the latter was beginning to be an afterthought.
"Hey, I heard you're becoming an official member of the Scouts!" She practically gushed while bumping shoulders with him.
"I am." He said and went back to writing.
"Was it because of me?" She teased with an around around his shoulder. "Come on. You can tell me."
"Sure." He said. "You do still owe me two week's pay."
"I was hoping you would've forgotten about that." She sighed and hung from his shoulder. "Nevertheless, I am glad to see more of you.~"
Her purred, honeyed words never failed to bring him pause or thought.
He wanted to ask her what she had in mind with her moments of closeness or tones of suggestion he was seemingly deaf to.
Of course, the answer was obvious, but Y/N felt it was too obvious. Or perhaps too good to be true.
"You feel the same?" She flashed a grin.
With her arm still wrapped around his neck, she pivoted around until they stood toe-to-toe and she could brush aside his journal and poke his chest.
"Maybe." He said. And it was the most genuine answer he could give or think of.
"Maybe." She made her voice low, attempting to recreate his before chuckling. "Careful, darling. We're just one step away from finding out the answer together..."
The tip of her finger was laid on his forehead before giving it a small push, throwing him back to work as she did the same.
It was hard to gauge the crazed researcher's response, let alone the fine line she liked to tiptoe around. And they more then often brought Y/N to question her motives instead of reasons. But unless he was outright told, then he left it at that.
I guess I'll just have to see for himself...

-Author's Notes-

That's the end of this chapter. A very delayed end, but this story is a sideshow.
I finished the anime while you waited for this update. Pretty good. I liked it.
Not much else to say but have a good one :) <3