The Past Ahead - an Empires SMP AU

Chapter 11 - Court cases

           Pixlriffs walked across his froglight orchard, picking off the glowing fruit to set aside it for trading later. He thought of the ancient emperors from a thousand years ago who suddenly were teleported to present day and wondered how they harvested froglights. Maybe he would go ask them so he can copy their method. As he went back inside his storage room, basketful of fruit in hand, he heard arguing voices coming from somewhere nearby. Curious, he set down the basket and went over to check it out. 

           He found God Joel, wizard Gem, and both Sausages talking, and they all seemed upset at the Sausage from the past. "Sausage, you lost the papers?" Gem was really, really annoyed and frustrated. "I'm sorry!" Lord Sausage said, looking at his feet. "I just put them in my pocket, and then after we left the Evermoore they were gone." "Are you saying they're in the Evermoore?" Joel sighed. "If they're in there they're never going to come out again. Guess we have to ask Shelby for another copy." "We don't have room for delays!" This time it was Sausage of Sanctuary. "The more time you past emperors spend here the more damage you can do to the timestream and- oh, hi Pix!" 

           Everyone looked at Pix and they greeted each other. "What brings you to the Ancient Capital?" Pix asked. "Well, we were going to cross-reference what we unearthed about possible counter-spells with whatever you have in that dusty old library of yours, but it turns out Sausage lost the papers he was supposed to hold on to for us," Gem interjected, looking pointedly at Lord Sausage, who shrank backward. "Well, you didn't lose all your research, right?" Pix asked. "Well, no, but we were kind of counting on Shelby's bit to help us with this," Sausage of Sanctuary admitted. "Well, you might as well cross-reference what you've got left as long as you're here in the savanna." Pixlriffs said, showing them to the library. 

           If he assumed after that the day would be quieter, he was wrong. Not ten minutes later he was bombarded with the uncommon sight of a flying cat followed by emperor Joey and King Joel. All three of them landed in front of him, and all three of them looked incensed. "Pixl, I want to sue someone," Joel started. "We want to sue someone," Lizzie corrected. "And I'm suing you," Joey added. "Um, okay..." Pix said uncertainly. "Who are you suing?" "My future self-" "Joel doesn't think I notice but-" "I should rule her because-" "He's cheating on me!" "I want my wife back and-" "Since I'm an emperor-" "Joey doesn't get to rule me-" "Yes I do-" "No you don't!" "We need a judge-" 

           "Okay, okay, slow down," Pix cut them off. "Could you repeat all that again? But slowly, and one at a time?" In a bit he managed to figure everything out. "So you're saying," He said, just for clarification, "That you think that God Joel is spending more time with Ocean Queen Lizzie and neither of you can find the either of them? And Joey thinks that since you're descended from his subjects, he gets to rule you?" "Yes." "Yes!" "YES!" "And all three of you are suing someone and you're asking me to be the judge." "Yes." "Yes!" "YES!" Under his breath, Pix muttered, "Why can't I have a normal server?" 

           Then Lizzie suddenly started sniffing the air and acquired a furious expression on her face. "Joel!" She shouted. "I know you're here!" And with that she raced off towards the library. Pix followed, knowing that this was not going to end well. "JOEL!" "Lizzie? Is that you?" "Yes, of course it's me! Who else would it be? That fish version of me that you spend more time with?!" "She's an axolotl, and I don't spend more time with her-" "Yes you do! Did you really think I wasn't going to notice?!" "Notice what?" "Don't play dumb! And just so that you know, Joel, I'm suing you! See you in court!" Lizzie stormed out of the library and brushed by Pix who had just made it there. Through the open door he saw bewildered faces staring back at him. "Uh, what was that?" "Don't ask," Pix sighed. 

           Pix walked into the small claims court of Gobland. fWhip the goblin had kindly lent the use of it for the court cases. To his surprise, he saw all the emperors, past and present, and some other people, all squeezed into the room to watch the proceedings. Apparently King Joel and Mayor Lizzie had wandered all over the empires asking around for their spouses that word had spread and everyone wanted to see the drama unfold. And not just the emperors, because Scott had brought Owen along and Hermes was sitting in his dad's lap to see their first court case. Everyone was talking as Pixlriffs came in, and as he reached the pulpit he had to bang with the gavel to get everyone's attention. 

            "Okay, so which case shall we do first?" Pix asked, feeling hot and stuffy in his judge's wig. After a small and noisy debate to which he had to bang his gavel again, it was decided that they should do the Joels vs the Lizzies case because everyone was sure the one with Joey would take longer. So God Joel, Sheriff Jimmy, King Joel, and Mayor Lizzie filed into their respective seats. Jimmy was Joel's lawyer because he had apparently asked the Ocean Queen at first but she turned him down, saying she just wanted to watch the drama rather than partake in it. "Where's your lawyer?" Pixlriffs asked the plaintiffs. "I'm our lawyer, because I vaguely remember practicing law!" Lizzie said, tail twitching. 

            "Okay, so Mayor Lizzie of Animalia and King Joel of Mezalia have sued God Joel of Stratos for cheating on his wife. How does the defendant plea?" "I'm innocent. I did nothing unlawful whatsoever and I don't even know how it got to this point." Joel said. "Also, do you have any proof for what you're complaining about?" Jimmy added, straightening his sheriff badge. King Joel and Mayor Lizzie looked at each other. "Don't look at me like that, you're the lawyer." Lizzie began to sputter. "He spends way too much time with her," She jabbed a claw at the Ocean Queen who was calmly eating popcorn as she watched the proceedings. 

           "He just wanted to show me a temple he made for me and Jimmy," Lizzie said. "I didn't do anything more with him than that." Lizzie made a scary cat noise and went back to Joel. "Why haven't I been seeing you all week since they got here?! Or more specifically, since she got here?!" "Because I was building the temple!" Joel shouted back. "I can't build those in a day, you know, although it's flattering that you maybe think I can." "And also, Lizzie," Jimmy suddenly asked, looking confused. "Why are you making so much of a fuss about this when Joel has already had like three children with other people before this?" Everyone turned to look at Mayor Lizzie. 

           "Well that was because Joel can't help that bit of always having children whenever he walks too close to someone," Lizzie retorted hotly, and Pix could hear someone, he wasn't sure who but was certain it was one of the time-displaced emperors, ask the person next to him what in the world she meant by 'always having children'. That caused the person next to him to start answering his question, and then someone close by added to the conversation, and soon everyone was talking again, much too loud for the small claims court. Pix banged his gavel and finally managed to achieve silence.

           Thank goodness. It's so hard to be the only mature emperor on the server...

           "I have reached a conclusion. But first, two points. Mayor Lizzie, you've said yourself that Joel can't help having kids all the time. But as you can see, another child hasn't popped up on the server, so that should say something about his and the Ocean Queen's relationship. And also, you've just tried to sue him without any proof. I advise you to go back to law school before trying to be a lawyer again. But as for my conclusion, I hereby decree that God Joel of Stratos should be cleared of all charges against him and Lizzie should stop being a suspicious wife." 

           That got a laugh out of most of the audience. Pix rearranged his wig and rapped his gavel to tell them all to stop laughing. "Now, I dismiss this court case and you may all leave now unless you want to see the next case." No one moved except for Sheriff Jimmy and the Joels moving to their seat to watch the next case. 

           Did I even have to ask?