chaelaurent's book of drafts & drabbles

To All The Girls I've Loved Before

OT4 x Female Reader (Rosé = Main)

Emotions are like a swing on a swing set. I'm almost always on two extreme sides of a spectrum. When I'm truly angry, I fume with the rage of a fire in my bones. When I'm really sad, my tears rack my body over and I'm left feeling anguished. When I'm honestly happy, my smile is as wide as my face, my laughs are hearty and pure. So you can bet that when I love someone, I love with an unconditional amount that is pure and just. I give it everything I've got.

Obviously this is not healthy, for many reasons. One is that I learned my lesson pretty quickly while growing up that some people take advantage of your good intentions. At the same time, they also take advantage of your emotions and use it as justification for you being wrong in an argument. When in fact, no, my tears don't mean the other person has won. Believe me, I hate it more than anyone else. Don't get me started on getting your heart broken. Multiple times. From rejection with crushes to heart-wrenching break ups with partners, you get so used to it that you start feeling numb to the whole love thing in general. That is why, like that swing set I mentioned before, I prefer to stay idle in the middle. I'm still sitting on the swing — I'm just not kicking off the ground and flying through the air like I'm supposed to. It is a scary feeling and there is always the fear of falling off.

So, to cope with the fact that I am a total hopeless romantic, I write. More specifically, I write a letter when I have such intense feelings for a crush that I haven't a clue on what else to do. Somehow I feel less like a boiling pot of emotions just waiting to overflow when I write my thoughts out. My writing gives me a sense of control over these uncontrollable feelings.

There have been four letters I've written in my entire life. Four different letters for four different girls that I've hopelessly fallen for.

The first is Jisoo Kim. She was my babysitter from age 10-14 despite the fact that she was four years older. This was a confusing time for me. I was discovering my interests and beginning puberty, and for some reason, I started thinking about her in a different way. She had always been a natural beauty. Originally I thought I was just envious of her looks, but as I grew older, I started to wonder how it would feel to kiss her heart-shaped lips. I noticed her womanly curves. I liked watching as she tied her hair up in a ponytail and the way it would expose her neck. Before I knew it, I had fallen for her.

By that point I was 14 and Jisoo was 18, therefore I was too old for a babysitter. I still see her nowadays since she lives in the neighbourhood, but we only share a polite wave and smile before moving on with our daily lives. I wrote her a long letter that confesses my innermost feelings, but like a rhetorical question being asked, it'll never receive an answer... because I'll never send it.

The second girl I've fallen for is Lalisa Manoban. I met her at summer camp when I was 15. At this age, I was the oldest among the campers but too young to become a camp counselor since the minimum age was 16. Lalisa is a year older than me, and was both a camp counselor as well as one of the assistants for the dance instructor. In my opinion, she was even better than the instructor. There was a dance competition by the end of the summer, and Lisa was the leader of my group. She whipped us into shape and ended up leading us to a championship at the finales. I grew close with her over that summer. I'll never forget the look on her face when we won the trophy, when we hugged each other so tight and I looked into her pretty doe-like eyes feeling like my heart would burst. After a bittersweet goodbye to my summer love, I got her contact info and we still talk from time to time, but like Jisoo, I never had and never will confess.

The third girl I've hopelessly fallen for is Roseanne Park. Or as she likes to be called: Rosé. You know the trope: popular girl in school, academically gifted, and captain of the cheerleading squad. You'd expect her to be a snob, but she's alright. Rosé's got her moments of genuinity — and that's where I found myself slipping. We've known each other since elementary, and have sometimes been in the same class. But I have never truly known her. We've never been close friends but rather simply familiar faces to each other. Being one of the most popular girls in school, I had my prejudices about her that she easily seemed to confirm. But then something she did when we were 13 changed all of that.

It was one of my first parties as a new teenager. The first that had both boys and girls, and most importantly, without parents hanging around breathing down our necks. The evening took a twist when we decided to play games like spin the bottle and seven minutes in heaven. I had a chance with Rosé while playing the latter. Names were chosen at random out of pieces of paper in a hat, and so Rosé and I were chosen. We had to go into a small room where the lights were purposefully turnt off. Neither of us knew what to do. We knew people were basically allowed to do whatever they wanted, like kissing, making out, even going as far as sex. But we were also at the awkward age of 13, and I had no idea if she liked girls.

I'm not sure what I expected. Maybe she would try something with me and then spread dirty rumours, or maybe she would be homophobic and expose me to the rest of the school. Neither of these instances happened. Rosé just stood there for a minute and gave me shy smiles. Finally, she took a few steps closer and whispered that we didn't have to do anything if I wasn't comfortable. It was a stupid game and we were both peer pressured by the others. I agreed and felt comforted by her presence. We sat on the floor together and talked for the next couple minutes, just getting to actually know each other. Rosé checked her wrist-watch by the end and indicated that we only had a minute left. Then she asked a question.

"Aren't you ever curious about what it feels like?"

"What do you mean?"

"Kissing. I've never kissed anyone before, neither a boy or a girl. Don't you ever wonder about it?"

I blinked and tried to collect my nerves. "Um... I do wonder about it. I-I've never kissed anyone before either."

"Nobody?"

"Nope."

Rosé considered this for a moment, then she turned herself to face me. "Maybe, you know... if you want... we could try it? It won't mean anything, it can just be so that we get it out of the way and tell everyone we've already had our first kisses."

"Oh... I-uh..." I had no idea how to answer her. My heart was pacing fast and my cheeks were so flushed that I'm glad the lighting in the room was dim and she couldn't see it. Rosé sensed my awkwardness however and pulled back.

"Hey that's okay. I was just suggesting it, we don't—"

"No! I mean... yes. We can try it."

"You sure?" Rosé asked. Sweat was building at my fingertips as I tried to match her gaze.

"Y-Yes. Let's just um... do it."

"Okay." Rosé hesitantly came closer and then leaned her head in. I had no idea what I was doing, but I leaned my head in as well, and our lips met. But that's all it took for me to fall in love. One kiss and I knew that I was a goner for the next couple of years.

You might as well call it the biggest cliché in the book.