Just Jack

Part Two: Chapter Twenty-One: Just Chris (II)

Chapter Twenty-One

Just Chris (II)

- Chris -

     You know how, when you're watching a movie with your parents and everything is cool and completely non-awkward, and then that scene comes on. You all know what I'm talking about. One minute its a family-friendly film with the heart warming moments, the bad actors and the stupid talking dog and then all of a sudden its freakin' dads favorite movie, if you catch my drift. Well in my house, in my home, those weren't the awkward moments. The scenes we all got uncomfortable at were the ones before them. We hated the heart warming moments with the cheesy actors and the shiny-happy-family – and their talking dog. It wasn't because we didn't believe in them or anything. In fact, I think its because we believed in them so much, that we simply hated them. Those moments were a constant reminder of the family life we never had. Their happiness and their love, made us awkward. Ashamed.

      A house was never a home for me. And neither were the people that supposedly made a house a home. Dad split when I was seven so he was never around. Then it was just me, mom and Nathan for a while. Nathan is my younger brother. He was just a baby when dad left, two months old. How could he leave a baby? How could he leave me? I'm sure I cried when he left or at least I hope I did – only because I want him to replay that moment in his head. Which is bad, I know but I want my cries, my pain, to haunt him because maybe one day it will bring him back. As much as mom promises it won't. I suspect he had an affair, or maybe she did, though she would never tell. She found momentary happiness in Steve.

     Super-step-dad Steve. They married after less than a year of dating. Later, everyone said it was rushed, especially me who had been saying it all along. They were blinded by love however and made their vows when I was ten years old. Nathan, then three, sat on my lap in the church and didn't make a sound. I can still remember the smell of his hair as I rested my chin on the top of his head. I doubt he understood what mom was doing with Steve on the altar, I barely understood.

     If ever I loved anyone in this world besides my father, it was Nathan. It killed me that he would never get to know dad like I did. To me, dad is an actual human being, a kind man with a stubbly beard that he rubbed against your cheek when he tucked you in at night. Every night – after a story of course. To Nathan though, dad is an idea. To Nathan, dad is Steve, a less than appropriate father figure. Unless, of course, you want your inspiration, your role model, to be an over-weight, unemployed drunk who occasionally, and more and more frequently, beats his wife and step-child. Thankfully, Saint Steve never laid a hand on Nathan. Although, I do imagine Nathan has become the new punching bag since my 'death'.

     I was ten when he started on me so I doubt he has made any exceptions for Nathan. I guess, besides Jack of course, leaving Nathan and even mom with that piece of scum, that waste of a human life, is my biggest regret. My brother is not like me. He's quiet, to himself. He got that from dad. He doesn't stick up for himself either. He definitely got that from mom, she would never question a strike from Steve. So a kid like Nathan would just take the beatings, like I did for a while. Like mom's being doing for years. Maybe one day he will leave too, though maybe not in my fashion.

     Blake's Cross may be a beautiful enough distraction during the day, but at night when your past catches up to you in the form of dark thoughts and memories, nothing can distract you from the guilt, the pain. Almost every night since I got here, besides thinking of Jack, all I have been doing is worrying for my family. Not Steve of course. I figure he is thrilled since my disappearance. He certainly didn't organize any search parties. Unless of course I was hiding out in the bar. I worry for my brother, my mom. All I want is to reconnect with them, to see them once more, to hug them.