Just Jack

Part One: Chapter Four: Just Insane

Chapter Four

Just Insane

Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the skinniest of them all? I can not help mutter these words as I stand in front of the bathrooms mirror in me and Gabe’s small but relatively nice bathroom. The towel around my waist feels heavy and is almost sliding off my bones. I can hear Gabe snoring from in here but it’s to be expected, its twenty after midnight. I don’t know why I wanted a shower. I just felt like I needed one, like in some way the nightmares I was having were making me dirty. I felt dirty. But not on the outside.

A cloud of steam hovers above me and soon the mirror completely fogs up and my skeleton is no longer visible- thankfully, I think it got bored of me. The light above me is flickering on and off and as I walk towards the door, my feet leave behind wet footprints. I wait behind the door that is not locked. There is no locking doors in a hospital like this. They seem to think that wanting some privacy while you pee is actually wanting to go and puke. Which, most of the time, is true for some of the patients here. But not for me.

I push open the springy door and it creaks a little. Gabe stirs in his sleep, but soon rolls over onto his side and continues snoring. If it wasn't for him I would probably go crazy. Which is sort of ironic considering where I am. I dry off in the darkness, slip into the pajamas kindly provided by the hospital and then climb into bed. I can't help but place my hands onto my chest and feel around for those increasingly visible bones. They scare me and even though I know they are there, my heart still sinks.

I sigh and close my eyes. I know I need sleep. I've barely had any shut eye since I came here and its supposed to be a relaxation place too. How can I relax though? How can I possibly sleep when all I can think about is food and weight? Nevertheless I fall back asleep feeling in some way refreshed since the shower. I expected the nightmare to continue where it left off with me becoming so thin I just fade away. But instead I see Sammy. It's just her tonight. Its not a a memory of her. Its just her, standing there, smiling as if she knows everything I am thinking, which she usually does. I try to reach out and take her hand that she has outstretched to me but to no avail. She fades away into a wind and then I awake.

What only felt like a blink and you miss it dream was actually a full eight hours. Gabe's bed is empty, he's most likely in the cafeteria. My eyes take a moment to adjust to the blinding white light of the room. They could really do with some blinds in here. Everything seems so clinical. Maybe if they toned it down just a bit, added some colour here and there I wouldn't actually mind staying in it.

Theres a feeling I wake up to some mornings. This feeling I have tried to explain on many occasions but it was impossible. It strikes me immediately this morning and I know today I will not eat. The thought of food is already turning my stomach. The feeling consumes my thoughts, my actions. Today is going to be a bad day.

A small but rather plump, angry looking nurse walks into the room, behind her a man with a trolley. I know why she is here, her visits are becoming more and more pointless but I think she secretly enjoys them. There's always that one nurse. She looks like she hates her job and finds some amusement in watching her patients suffer. She stands in front of of my bed writing something on her clipboard.

“You ready for breakfast?” she asks, looking up from her board with beady eyes. I play with my hands for a second and then run my hand through my hair.

“You know, you look incredible today. New haircut? No wait, new uniform?” I smile, cheekily. She's having none of it.

“Are we going to have a problem young man?” hands are on her hip now.