Herculean Thoughts

XIX.

I had a talk with my father during lunch. It was one of the usual routine I like engaging in. The difference is that, compared to typical conversation, we talked about somewhat a strange topic discussed between a daughter and her father. I am inquisitive and so, I opened the talk with a question: does my father believe in the concept of life after death?

Seconds passed and still he did not answer my question. What I did was to rephrase it and made it as specific as I could. “What do you think happens after death? Is it all just an entire erasing of your existence? Like a natural and acceptable disappearance? Or will you come back with a different face some other time in the future”, are the things I asked him. I was nearly convinced that he believes in reincarnation, but I remembered he was my father. Of course, he does not believe in another lifetime.

My father said he does not believe in being born again. He does not follow the belief of reincarnation, much like I was. Drawing from this, he infers that he believes death is the shutting down of life. Kind of reaching the limit of a lightbulb. It will not light up once again. It will only be disposed off and be forgotten. The only difference is that a lightbulb almost does not decay, humans, however, do decompose naturally within a short time. My father believes he can only exist once and that must be the reason he seems so calm about death because all this time, he tries to live a content life. Then, I asked him if he can imagine his soul transcending death and becoming one with another body in another timeline. What he answered was out of the question. Again, he said, he cannot be alive twice. If another man is born, that man is not him. He will disappear and will never be back.

My father's reasoning almost made me forget about my own belief. I, unlike him, believe in the continuation of life after death. But the concept of reincarnation of the Hindu’s is not what I am talking about. I will never be a cow. Instead, what I believe in is the concept of being alive again, with the same atoms supporting this body I have right now. Although my body may not be the replica of the one I have right now, still, it is composed of my own atoms. Since it is my own atoms, in the next life, I will still have the same desires and goals in life. I will still be curious and I will still keep my beliefs. Yet, please take note that I am not talking about having an immortal body, it is more than that. So much more that I cannot put it into a comprehensive passage, but I can put this theory in a much clearer words: I believe I will repeat most of the fundamental events in my current life next time I am alive, with a different identity but with the same intensity of existence. In every lifetime of mine, my traits remain.

Yet, I cannot get rid of the thought that the sole driving force of this personal belief—the possibility of life after death— is the fact that I have strong ties with life and I cannot cut my ties with it. I am subconsciously attached to it like a leech. Hence, I am pushed into thinking that this is not the only life I will live in. I did not know I was this hopeful.

So then, I will close this note with few last insights.

Death is indeed too vague that every people view it differently. Some may believe it is the end—the grand erasing, or it might be the start of something new, by all means. Either way, we will never know. Death will permanently be one of the mysteries humans cannot solve with whatever accessible means they currently (or will) have. And so, we can only believe in what soothes our unsettled souls. I think we are made this way.

PS. If immortality exists, my father said humans will be like grains inside a sack of rice. With reproduction constant, we cannot sleep one night without bumping into each other every second.