•home for the troubled boys•poly bl•

Shower tears don't count right?

Averys P.O.V (TW SH)

I sit at the dinner table starring daggers at the food in front of me.I am so fucking hungry I have hardly eaten sense I have been here half because I don't want to gain weight the other half because I don't want to be watched.

"Avery I would like to talk to you in my office after your done with your dinner." Xavier says.Which is when I realize that everyone had finished already and left the table, have I really been starring for that long?

There was no point in trying to eat anything I knew I wouldn't let myself. I Stand up discarding of the contents on my plate and putting It in the sink.I make my way over fuck faces office and knock on the door."Come in!" sounds from inside the room.I walk into the room and plop down on the chair in front of his desk.

"You wanted to talk to me?" I ask sounding clearly annoyed not bothering to hide it."Yes I did." He responds closing his laptop "About?" I ask looking at him like he was stupid. "Your eating habits." he says with a sigh "You eat far to little and it is concerning, You have gotten thiner and you have only been here for a little over 2 weeks." He says looking at me his eyes laced with nothing but concern."Is every thing okay Avery?" he asks once again doing that thing with his voice, speaking to me as if I were going to crumble apart.

"Why are my eating habits any of your concern, isn't your job to make me like I don't know not a delinquent?" I snap back defensively."Is that what you think this place is?" He asks eyes going slightly wide."What do you mean think this place Is, is it not?" I say in the same snarky tone confusion lacing my voice."No its not Avery, this is a safe haven to help overcome mental issues." he says calmly.What? your joking? Im not crazy, dads crazy not me. I laugh bubbles out of my throat.

 "They sent me to a nut house?" I continue laughing sounding very amused." Avery that term is very disrespectful." he scolds sounding slightly angry and almost disappointed. "Me disrespectful your the one who just called me Crazy?!"I say astonished "Avery I did not say you are crazy!" He says as if he were trying to reason with me."Then why the fuck am I here?!" I say starting to raise my voice out of anger.

I raised my voice out of anger just like him, and there saying i'm crazy wow maybe I am just like my dad?

" Avery your here because your struggling and that's okay everyone here has been through something you aren't alone."he says comfort in his voice." but that's not what were here to talk about, for now on you will be required to eat half of each meal at least you will not leave the table until that task is completed." he States in a stern voice not leaving any room for arguing.

"F-Fine"I spit out my voice cracking in the process. I wasn't even paying attention after the thought of me being like my dad popped up in my mind.I wanted to cry not out of sadness but out of pure anger and hatred.I stand up leaving his office and b lining it for my room.

I bump into Parker on my way up the stairs.It looks as if he was going to say something sassy before he looked at me.His smile fades and his eyebrows furrow.please don't ask the horrid question."Are you okay Avery?" Fuck. I can't breath any more my eyes sting with tears threatening to fall.I nod and zip by him.

God I look like such a crybaby why can't I just control my emotions i'm usually so good at it.But that question god it hits me like a bus every time.People only ask me if i'm okay if i'm not masking my emotions well enough,  which means there already to strong for me to handle.That one question makes all my emotions bubble over and spill.

I close the door to my room behind me locking it.I walk toward my mattress and lift it up grabbing a small black bag.i shove it into my pocket and head towards my bathroom.I lock the bathroom door before siting on the toilet, like It was engraved in my brain my body moves on its own.Taking the bag out of the pocket in my shorts before pulling both them and my underwear up revealing my scared thighs.

I take out the cool piece of metal bringing it against my thigh before pushing down and sliding it across my skin.The dark red blood seeps out of the wound that I had inflicted.It slowly turns from 1 to 14 evenly placed cuts, nothing to deep just enough to take the edge off.

I rinse the blade in the sink drying it off before putting it back in its small black drawstring bag.I stick it under the sink this time.It was always good to move your hiding spots make them keep hunting for it.

I take of my cloths being extra carful while removing my shorts and boxers trying to avoid rubbing the fresh wounds.I turn on the shower giving it a minute to warm up before stepping in letting the water and steam corrupt me.

Suddenly everything is coming back all the abuse, all the intimacy that was forced on my not even pre teen self.I felt dirty all over again I felt even dirtier craving the touch that I know I would never receive.Sex will never be a good thing, everyone always talks about how good it is and how they love it but how could they?

I used to have sex all the time, I mean yeah it was work to me but it was still sex and half the time I didn't even have a hard on.i don't think I have ever ounce cum with another person. wow pathetic. I will never be more then my body, and now i'm turning into my dad aren't  I just a lucky duck.All I am is a angry crazy slut.Thats all Ill ever be, I have always known this. why am I so upset about it now?

Xavier that stupid fuck got me thinking about my dad and sent me spiraling.And the ass is trying to make me fat, what did I do to him?I laugh at first as all the thoughts race through my head that laughter quickly turned into sobs.

I sit on the floor of the shower the hot water burning my skin as it beams down on me.Angry sobs erupt form me as my body violently shakes along with them.Who was I mad at me? My dad?Xavier? all of us? I didn't know I am confused and mad.all I can do is sob.

I sob in the shower for a good 20 minutes before dragging my body out of the shower, ounce pale skin turned pink from the heat of the water.I wipe my puffy eyes absolutely wrecked and exhausted. I mope my way to my dresser throwing on a pair of boxers and a massive grey t shirt.I crawl my way into my warm bed curling up into the blankets before dozing  off.

Shower tears don't count right if nobody sees it happen It didn't plus the water washes away the tears so basically it didn't happen.   

Yikes y'all this was a roller coaster had no thoughts for this one at all.I am currently writing out the plot for another poly bl book but that will not be published until this one is over because I don't want to almost quit this one again.Any way merry Christmas and happy holidays!! -ELI<3 

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