•home for the troubled boys•poly bl•

Remember

P.O.V Avery(I just re read my whole story and have Come to the conclusion that I like the first person more.Also I fixed quite a few errors that were left in the book.)

I Hear the signature knock on my door.I drag my body out of bed throwing on a pair of baggy pajama pants and a hoodie to hide my body.I was tired even though I went to sleep at a reasonable time.This time the grogginess was not Max's fault but my own.

Making my way out of my room and to the staircase I run into Max."Morning Avery."He says with a grin on his pink lips as he nudges my shoulder playfully."Morning max." I greet back while avoiding making eye contact with the man.After what I did last night I couldn't look at him,He would know.

It's clear on Max's face that he noticed the fact that I was choosing not to look at him.Lucky for me he choses not to say anything as we dismount the stairs and take our seats at the dining table."Good morning Max and Avery." Xavier greets with a kind smile.

Max returns his own smile that looks more like a smirk "Mornin zay." he says adding his own twist to a casual greeting as always.I choose not to respond and look down at my plate to see what was for breakfast.Bacon egg and cheese on an English muffin paired with hash browns instead of their usual fruit.

Of course he had to switch it u on a day like this.

I feel numb, a numb shell of guilt.A tired numb shell of guilt that now had to eat a meal that will probably make me go up another jean size.

I pick apart the breakfast sandwich and cut the hash browns about a million times while taking a total of three bites of food.Its fine though I mean do I really deserve food if I cant keep it in my pants or view sex like a normal human.

My eyes dance around the room listening to the talking around me, it kept me grounded.While my eyes twirled around they stoped on ones that were looking at my own.

Liam.

Kind concerned green eyes look into to my lost grey ones.His eyes glance down to my plate and then back up with a look of question and concern and a hint of understanding.

I pull my eyes away from him.I wouldn't want to pollute his pretty eyes with my filthy ones.

I manage to get down two more bites but as I go in for my third I audibly gag in pure disgust.My body didn't deserve food and it knew that.I drop the fork on the plate before reaching for the water.Thats when I meet another concerned look this one form Xavier.

God what is with these people and always being concerned about me, it's weird?

People start to finish and get up to clear their plates and drop them in the sink before leaving to go live their lives.I stand to attempt to do the same but am interrupt by Xaviers voice.

"Did you not like what was prepared for breakfast?" He asks without an ounce of anger."It was fine, just.. don't feel like eating." I mumble back.Im so out of it currently I'm not sure that came out in a fluent sentence.

"There isn't anything else I could make you?" He questions.I shake my head in response before turning and walking out of the dining room into the living room.

"Hey Aves come watch our series with me?'Max calls out as I walk out of the kitchen.I fight back a groan before responding "Maybe later.." I call back without looking at him and making my way up the stairs."Ok..yeah." he responds quietly although I'm pretty sure that response was just for him.

I climb the stairs and walk over to my room and open my door dragging myself through it and on to my bed.

I just lay there for what feels like hours a lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking.All I can do is sit there and think.Think about All the times sex was forced upon me yet i still find my self craving sexual pleasure as if it were a drug.Only to feel like complete shit after doing anything for myself.

After what I believe to have been two hours I finally will myself out of bed.I walk to the room next to mine and knock at the door.I get a fast reply of a 'Come in!' before opening the door to Max's room.

"Tv?" I ask shorty while stepping into the room. I didn't want small talk I wanted a distraction."Sure."he replies seemingly confused.I walk over to the bed before getting into the side opposite to him though I stayed above the covers so our limbs didn't touch.

Max turns on his tv and and presses buttons until we were back on the show we had been watching.Young royals ,It's pretty damm gay. He seems completely content with that though, also it was in his watch again list so I guess he just doesn't mind.Or he's gay himself?

I don't know and honestly don't care enough to ask it dosent matter to me either way.We make our way through about half an episode before Max pauses the tv abruptly.With out looking at me he speaks ."Is something bothering you?" He asks.

I turn to face him. "What?" I question back.Was I that obvious."You're normally gloomy but today you're like extra gloomy looking."He turns to face me as well."You know you can talk to me or anyone else here right?"His face scrunches into a face I don't understand."Yes I know ,i'm fine though just tired." I give him a reassuring smile. "Ok, just don't suffer in silence Avery." he says before turning the tv back on.

I could no longer focus on on the Tv.

Since when did lying put such a pit in my stomach.

We continued to watch tv for a good hour and a half before lunch rolled around.We went downstairs also in silence before siting at the table in our usual spots.

grilled cheese and tomato soup.Great another fatting meal.I pick up my spoon and slowly start eating completely ignoreing the grilled cheese siting next to me.I finish the soup and stay seated waiting for someone else to get up first.

I can feel Xaviers eyes on me.His kind and comforting grey eyes.Okay ew no we aren't doing that.Keep it in your pants first Max now Xavier.NO.

As soon as I hear the first chair move I am up and out of my seat and on my way to my room.I close my door behind me making sure to click the lock.I look around my room looking for something to distract to but find nothing so I settle for my phone.I reply to people on twitter an scroll through other socials before throwing on music and allowing myself to think.

To think about being Ten years old begging A man double my age to take mercy on me. Begging him to have some sense of humanity.That night ended with blood and other bodily fluids that weren't mine dripping done my legs.I remember the horror and agony I felt that day.It was one like no other,i felt completely violated.I felt dirty.I still feel dirty.

I think about Turing sixteen and taking control of my life.I remember leaving my house after getting beat to the point where I thought if I stayed in that house I would lose my life, so I left home.I left Miles.I remember coming back to see him on the weekends.The way he would beg me to stay.But I couldn't. I remember when I was in desperate need of money so I started doing sex work at my own free will.I remember feeling disgusting for it.

I remember being arrested for prostitution and returned home to my "parents".The one thing from that memory I could never shake was the sick look on my dads face when I returned,He was smiling like he one something.Like me Turing back to sex work was a victory of his.I guess it was.

After I turned 18 I refused to have sex.Ive given a few blow jobs for quick cash or drugs but other than that I have been completely celibate.But last night the explicit thoughts I had been having got the better of me.And now I'm being reminded why I don't engage in sexual acts even when It comes to self pleasure despite being turned on pretty often.

I Sigh to myself dragging my hands down my face.before stuffing my phone away in my night stand.

I Need A drink.

Heyyyy....Its Eli.Miss me?

I DEPLY APOLIGIZE MY ABSENTS LIFE HAS BEEN EVENTFUL.BUT I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY SLEF AND TRYING TO GET BACK INTO THE THINGS I LIKE TO DO..AFTER GETING DUMPED.SOOO PLEASE ENJOYYYY I WILL TRY AND UPDTE WEEKLY OR BI WEEKLY.LOVE ELI

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