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Control

Avery

One little drink wouldn't hurt.If you drink in reason theres nothing wrong with it right.I glance across my room the window looks back at me.I look away and shake my head.No.I Don't need it.

My hands are balled into fists trying to contain the shaking.I shouldn't be alone right now.I know I shouldn't.I should get up off my bed and go to Xaviers room before I do something stupid.

Bad habits call my name, Blades, Alcohol, weed.They could all silents my thoughts right now.I could shut them up with one swipe, sip, breath.It's that easy. 

Erase my little progress I've made for an hour of scilence within the walls of my head.I could take the easy way out, whats stoping me.

' "Avery please I don't want you to end up like dad!" Miles sobbed into my chest clinging on for dear life.'

Miles.You're doing this for Miles.

I try and steady myself with deep breaths as I debate my next course of action.Xavier..No.He wouldn't understand.All he could offer is pity, that is not what I need.I need a solution and I need it now.

God damnit.My eyes start to sting with the tears I have been holding back.There is no immediate solution to what I need.I can't magically remove all the guilt that surrounds anything sexual,I've tried that before.

The tears start to pour out my eyes with out my permission.I cant hold in the choked sob that breaks through my throat, followed by pathetic gasps for air and hiccups.My room fills with the sound of 'silent' cry's. 

I go to grab a pillow to quiet my pitiful sobs, before I could I am frozen in place by the sound of a knock on my door.I stare wide eyed In the direction.The door nob slowly turns, giving me time to react.I don't give a response which seemed to give the person behind the door the go ahead to open the door.

Max. 

His eyes wide and perplexed staring back at mine that are glossy and red.

"Avery...?" he questions coming in and shutting the door behind him.I wipe the tears off my face trying to save a thread of dignity.

 When I don't give a response he speaks again."I guess you were right about these walls being thin." he says seeming trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah..sorry." I say with a small laugh eyes now looking at my hands that fidget in my lap."don't apologize." He says firmly, All I do is nod.

He walks over and sits down next to me on my bed. "Whats wrong..?" he asks cautiously.And I almost consider telling him, but I stop myself.He wouldn't understand ,he's clearly sexually active and happy.All I would get is pity.

"You wouldn't understand.." I choose to say because honestly I'm not capable of lying right now."And how do you know that.?" He asks which catches me off guard.Typically that's not the response I would have gotten.

"I just do.." I say now unsure of my words.

"Humor me..,but the only way to find out if that's true is to tell me whats bothering you." He says not giving up on getting my issue out of me.

"Fine." I take a deep breath.

"for what I am about to say to make any sense at all and not just sound like I'm crazy you need to know I few things."I look down fidgeting with my hands.He gives a Nod.

"When I was younger I was sex trafficked by my father." I pause taking in a breath. "and when I turned six-teen I started doing prostitution by choice because it was the only way I knew how to survive."

I glance at him to gauge his reaction, his eyes are wide but he docent go to speak, he stays silent.

"And now I can't do anything sexual without feeling guilty.Feeling like its all I'm good for." I laugh to myself. "And its not like I'm scared of sex or sexual shit, it feels great in the moment its just after I freak out like a fucking baby." I start to ramble. "I didn't think twice before jerking off in the shower but I surely feel humbled now." I shake my head as my eyes Start to feel warm again.

I glance at max."See, I sound insane."

"The exact opposite." He laughs in irony. 

He turns and looks at me with a sad smile."When I was 13 my mom remarried after my dad passed when I was  11.my step dad harry started to sexually abuse me shortly after that."my eyes widen ever so slitty while looking at max intently.

"I know exactly how you feel, because I felt it to for a long long time."

"How.?" I look at him with such envy.

"How?" he asks back?

"You were having sex the other night..How?"

"I made my pleasure my own." he smiles.

"Your own?"

He gives a nod before beginning to explain."First you have to become comfortable with well, Masterbateing." he says slightly bashful. "It helps if you use a toy or something,You have to keep reminding yourself that your pleasure is yours to have and yours to allow others to give you."

I look at him wide eyed and nod, allowing him to keep going."When ever you choose to have sex again for the first time, make sure its with someone you trust, make sure you are in control if that's what you need."

"Sometimes the guilt comes back but its easy to ignore, and when its not I have people around me every where who are always around willing to remind me I have nothing to feel guilty forever if it is a bit awkward." he adds.

"That really works..?" I ask hopeful.

"It did for me."he gives a smile."I have sex all the time and its great." He says with a prideful smirk.I cant help but laugh."I know.."

Me and Max continue to talk for a little  before he goes back to his respective room.In that time he promises me the next outing we have, me and him will split off from the group and go and grab a.Toy.

I feel stupid for how much sex consumes me.But I cant help the giddy feeling I get when I think about being in control of my own sex life.with no guilt.It would open so many new gates to passing time.

My body relaxes into my mattress stress free for now, mind no longer guilty but hopeful.

I guess I didn't need a drink after all.

I just needed to talk.

HEYYY YALL MY BAD HAHAHA.....3 MONTHS SOEEY.I TOOK BAE BACK WHEN SHE ASKED SO WE HAVE BEEN WORKING ON US,SHE WAS INCOURGEING ME RO CONTIUNE AND I COULDNT LET HER DOWN.AND I HAVE SO MAY IDEAS SO YALL BETTER WATCH OUT.ALSSOO MAXX LORE <3-LOVVVVVVEEEE ELIIIIII<3

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