love or lust

16

Navy Richards

I sat on the edge of my bed staring at the blade in my hand, as different thoughts circulated through my mind.

kill yourself, do it.

they chanted repeatedly, getting louder by the second.

My salty tears stained my face as memories replayed in my mind from my first time meeting Jye til the day at the park.

"Don't do this. Our kids need you. please nae..if not gone fight for yourself, fight for them. For me." jye's calming voice whispered into my ear.

"i can't. you promised you wouldn't leave me." i sniffled, feeling his hands on my shoulders.

"I'm not gone, baby. I'm right here." His voice faded away then he was gone.

Something in me woke up, I wiped my tears away and put the blade back in the nightstand drawer.

"Not today." I exhale getting up from my bed to start my day. I walk into my master bathroom and do my morning routine.

Once I was done, I got dressed in my skims lounge fit then went into the meditation/smoke room.

I close the door behind me and turn on my speaker then took my rolling tray, grinder and the jar of buds from the shelf.

I sat on the plush pink couch and begun to take the stems from the buds so I could roll.

It was a process that took me no more than 10 minutes. I put the blunt to my lips, inhaling and holding. I sat back on the couch, closing my eyes as I exhaled through my mouth and nose. "that's some good shit." i mumbled to myself.

I made a mental note to text Skai and Gi'Ziyah about our latest creation.

The boys came up with the idea for us to start growing and finally open our own dispensary since we all smoke so much.

Our business is called Love Buds and the grand opening for our very first dispensary is a few months away.

My Apple Watch vibrated indicating a incoming call. I answered it immediately.

"good morning."

"good morning to you too. I'm so glad to hear your voice." A groggily Jye spoke on the other end of the call.

"same over here. how did pt go? do you want me and the kids to come visit?"

"It went very well, i actually just got back in my room. i miss seeing y'all faces." I could hear him smiling through the phone and that warmed my heart.

"I'm really glad to hear that it went well. I wish i was there for your first therapy session." A small pout forms on my face.

"I wish you was here too, but i needed to do it on my own baby." Jye tried to reassure me, but i still felt like shit knowing i couldn't be there for him.

"Enough about me, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine. I'm actually in the smoke room now..." i mumble that last part to myself.

"Navy Leilani, don't lie to me."

I roll my eyes and let out a sigh, "It's nothing Jye, I'm fine now."

"das it I'm asking my doctor to be discharged today cause you ain't fine! what is this I'm hearing bout you slipping back into depression? have you been taking your meds?"

"Jye that's Nyasia calling me, i have to go..I'll see you later. I love you." I immediately hang up and answer Ny's call.

We talk for a good hour or so before i get ready to go see Jye at the hospital.

As I open the door I'm met with Jye staring at hole in my face, "hi handsome! i brought you something to eat." i cheese, hoping he'd forgotten about our abrupt hang up earlier.

He didn't respond. He continued the long stare with a clenched jaw as I closed the door behind me and walked over to him.

I leaned down to kiss him but he dodged my kiss, "Jye, really?" i frown.

"when was you gone tell me?" he finally spoke, semi-raising him voice at me.

I stand up straight and glance down at the floor. A lump forming in my throat. "I-I wasn't. You don't need to worry about me." I shrug nonchalantly.

He lowly chuckles, "I had to hear from my daughter that her mother, my wife had a breakdown and couldn't do anything about it cause I'm in here!" He raised his voice, the veins from his temple popped out.

"Jye, you coded twice! Once at the park then on the way to the hospital I thought I fucking lost you. I had once relapse." My voice cracked as I tried to hold back my tears. "I'm sorry..." i trail off looking into his eyes which held tears.

"no, I'm sorry...c'mere." He sighed scooting over in the small bed, i climbed beside him and he held me while I broke down in his arms.

He repeatedly pecked my forehead, brushing my hair back behind my ear. "I'm right here." he mumbled, between kisses.

We stayed in the same position until I fell asleep. "baby, you gotta wake up." he whispered in my ear.

I open my eyes meeting his, "what time is it?" I groggily question, furrowing my brow.

"It's 4:30pm. I had Skai pick the kids up and bring them here. They at the cafe now." he informed, I nod laying my head on his chest.

"you must've been tired, you slobbered all over a nigga." he chuckled i rolled my eyes mushing him in the shoulder.

"leave me alone boy." i mug then smile.

He looked at me sleepily, "i love you baby."

"i love you too stink."

12/27/2023