The Secret Life of Heronstairs [The Infernal Devices fan fiction] [On Hold]

Round and Round

As wrong as Will knew it was, he could not stop replaying the stolen moment he had with Jem the day before. All night, his mind was a wheel constantly turning and  turning with the words they exchanged. The image of Jem pulling him close, his burned sugar smell encasing Will's surroundings, the feel of his hand lightly against his cheek and the brush of their lips together. It was all Will could focus on, all night long, trying to make himself understand that it could never happen again, while deep inside his craving for it seemed to grow and grow. He had barely contained himself over the years when nothing had happened, but with the memory of Jem's lips on his and his complete acceptance of Will's feelings, he couldn't imagine how he would keep from slipping again.

            When telling himself that it was wrong didn't work, Will told himself that it was dangerous for Jem. His curse was vivid in his mind as though it had been recently branded there with a hot iron and he knew that it should stop him from caring for anyone. To care for them was to condemn them and to condemn them was to kill them. And yet, as his thoughts fought to take the place of the memory of him and Jem, they were battled with the truth that Jem was dying anyway. The demon illness was taking him slowly and painfully. If allowing himself to care for Jem, and to let him see it, meant that he could spare Jem the agony of living wouldn't it be the right thing to do? Didn't caring for someone with your entire being mean that you accepted when it was time to let them go and that you would do for them all that you could to make their departure easier? Could Will allow himself to truly show Jem how much he loved him, knowing that it would end his life sooner, and be willing to go on afterwards?

            No.

            Fighting with himself, lacking sleep and unsure of how he would be able to conduct himself sitting next to Jem at the table for breakfast, Will remained in his room trying to escape in another book. It seemed to work well enough until there was a knock at his door and it opened to Charlotte. “I see you're awake,” she said. “Did you not want breakfast?”

            “I'm cleansing,” Will replied with a straight face and registered the restraint Charlotte had to use not to roll her eyes at the remark.

            “Well, if you feel the need to eat at any point today I'm sure you know where the kitchen is,” she said. “Sophie will not be of access to you for the rest of the day.”

            “Why not?”

            “Because you are rude to her and she deserves the break from you,” Charlotte answered and Will smiled. “That isn't why I'm here. Jem was asking for you.”

            The smile fell from Will's face at the words, his body tensing with the memory of the day before, somehow sure Charlotte knew of it. He wanted more than anything to go to Jem's room to be there for him as he always was but he couldn't help but think of it as a bad idea. Even if he decided to allow himself the love of Jem, what if Jem had decided he didn't want it? What if the moment they shared was a fevered mistake that Jem wished never to be thought of or mentioned again? Will couldn't deal with that possibility and would rather stay in his room pretending nothing had happened, for as long as he could. “Did he say what for?” Will asked flatly, turning the page of his book disinterestedly.

            “To talk to you, I would imagine,” Charlotte sighed. “I'm honestly surprised you aren't already there. You are usually at his side when he feels ill-”

            “Not today,” Will interrupted her sharply, his breathing slightly hitched with the guilt of not running to Jem's room in that moment. “It's part of my cleanse, you see. I will not eat or drink, or have contact of any sort with anyone for the day. Speaking to you right now is ruining it, so leave please. I may have to start all over now for tomorrow. Tell Jem I am sorry but I will not be there.”