The Secret Life of Heronstairs [The Infernal Devices fan fiction] [On Hold]

Dramatics

Will never wanted to go out more than necessary for hunting or for more than a few hours on Jem's secret dates, but as always he found himself giving in to Jem's request. It was hard for him to deny Jem anything when his illness and Will's curse seemed to hang over his head, condemning his life in one way or another. He tried not to think much about Jem's impending doom, but it grew more and more difficult as he continued to have dreams of different ways Jem would pass; including a dream that ended with him looking much the same as Ella had when she died. That dream in particular seemed to shake Will to his core, making him truly realize for the first time that his relationship with Jem was selfish in it's own way.

            Will loved every moment he spent with Jem, whether out hunting, stealing away into one of their rooms or out on their secret dates, but the voice in his head telling him that he must end it soon was growing louder and louder. One night, waking up anxiously next to Jem from one of his dreams of a death like Ella's, the voice had finally reached it's loudest level that Will could bare to handle. Sitting up in the bed, Will prepared himself to get up quickly and escape to his room when Jem woke up beside him oblivious to the high emotions running through him. “William?” he asked groggily, sitting up beside him to look at him curiously. “What is it? Did you have another bad dream?”

            “A horrid one,” Will answered. “One I would rather not discuss, actually. I must leave.”

            “And go where?” Jem asked, more alert now. “Will, it's the middle of the night.”

            “I'm aware, James, but I must leave,” he said, pulling away the sheets and beginning to get dressed. “I need some air and some time alone.”

            “May I ask why?”

            “You may ask but I will not answer,” Will responded and Jem pulled on Will's arm in frustration, forcing him to look at him. Will swallowed hard at how close Jem's face was in that moment. The silver his eyes seeming somehow to glow in the darkness as his light hair fell in a disaray around his face. Will's fingers itched with the desire to brush the hair back from his face and make their lips meet in the way that always brought him joy; instead he bit down on his lip to distract himself with the pain.

            “William, I have told you that you can speak with me about anything,” Jem said anxiously. “Whatever it is that troubles you, I am here to help you through it. But first you must tell me what it is.”

            “I saw you die,” Will blurted out, immediately regretting it as Jem's face twisted in sympathy and softened.

            “I am not going to die just yet,” he responded and Will shook his head.

            “But you will die,” Will said quickly. “Whether it be by your illness or by loving me, you will die.”

            “What is this nonsense that loving you will cause my death?” Jem asked. “You say this often and I never know what you mean by it.”

            “It is not your burden to bear.”

            “And yet you mention it often,” Jem said. “It can not be both ways, Will. Either you wish for me to understand this vague message that loving you will be the death of me or you wish I never do. Which is it?”

            “I wish that it weren't true,” Will answered quietly, looking away to the window, wishing he could be outside. That he could be anywhere in London that kept him away from the nightmares that plagued him. Jem remained quiet as he took in the obvious suffering in Will's posture, shifting beside him on the bed so that Will could see his face again.

            “William, I love you,” he said simply and Will turned to meet his silver eyed gaze once more.

            “And I love you, James.”

            “So let us not think about my death in any terms,” Jem said quietly. “We are here, together, and as alive and well as either of us can be right now. That is all that matters to me and all that should matter to you.” Will remained silent and Jem leaned forward, kissing him on the lips without hesitation and entangling his fingers in the curls of Will's hair. Will responded immediately, pulling Jem to him and pressing as closely as he could to him, reveling in the feel of their lips together. The tips of his fingers traced the scars of old runes along his skin, the wiry frame of muscles beneath that, pausing over his chest and the rapid rhythm of his heart beating there. He breathed in deep, inhaling the burned sugar sent that was his James, trailing his own hands back around and up to his hair where they knotted in deep, soft beneath his fingers.

            Jem moaned deep in his throat, suddenly leaning so hard into Will that they fell back against the bed, pillows beneath them, and he pressed on top of Will's lean body leaving no space between them aside from the newly put on trousers. With one hand still in his hair, Jem used the other to trail down Will's chest and over the muscles of his stomach until he reached the waistline of his pants and worked to undo them. His fingers fumbled as they work and Will laughed against his mouth, the gust of sudden air rushing down his throat. Jem pulled away harshly at the sudden tickle at the back of his throat and the coughing began, racking through his body harshly, making it unable for him to stop.

            Will sat up fast from the bed, looking at Jem worriedly as he reached for the pitcher and glass beside the bed and poured him some water before handing it to him. Jem took the glass shakily and drank the water as fast as he could without spilling any, the coughs subsiding after a few moments. Handing the glass back to Will, he was prepared to attempt a joke about the situation when he saw the look upon Will's face. “Will,” he sighed.

            “This is it, James,” Will said without waiting for what Jem was going to say next. He stood up from the bed and gathered his things, making his way for the door. “This is the reason I can not stay here any longer. The reason why I can not be with you any longer. Every moment you are with me, you are wasting away what is left of your precious life. Every kiss has done nothing but brought you closer to the very edge that is your death and I can not be responsible for that, James, I won't. You will not allow me to look for a cure for your illness to save your life and so I will offer the cure that will save you from dying from loving me. I am leaving.”

            “Will-”

            “Do not come looking for me, either,” Will continued as he unlocked the door and pulled it open. “I am leaving the Institute for the night. Perhaps I'll see you in the morning.”

            “Unless you decide you are fasting on people again,” Jem said sarcastically and Will almost smiled.

            “Yes, there is always that,” he agreed, stepping out into the hall and closing the door behind him. Jem hated that Will had left the way he had, but he refused to take any of what he said serious. Will was known for his mood swings and overly dramatic exits; this was nothing more than just that. In the morning he would see Will in the hall on the way to breakfast and Will would pull him to him in a dark and isolated area where they will share a secret kiss and go on with the day as though nothing had happened. Jem would even volunteer to return to Hyde Park and conduct another cannibal duck experiment with Will if it meant that Will would be that happy and carefree once more. It would all depend on Will in the morning, but somehow Jem still held on to the belief that no matter what, he and Will would return to their loving bliss without pause. All that was needed was that they both sleep on it.