~ Your My Ocean~

⁕Dinner⁕

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"come on there is water all over the floor Belly," Mom said "Come on laur it's not her fault she had no choice in the matter," Susannah said she sounded so happy to have everyone back she loved having us here "Look at you," Susannah said with open arms I walked into her hug I love her she is so comforting even when she isn't trying she smelt like lavender and vanilla an amazing smell "I missed you Susannah," I said into her hair "I missed you more," she said squeezing me a little she was about to let me out of her hug even though I didn't want it to end when Conrad walked in "but not as much as he missed you," she said as she let me go giving me a wink I was confused until I saw him he shook his hair like a wet dog and grabbed my suitcase "I can do that," I said trying to sound tough "sure you can," he said with a smirk I rolled my eyes I wanted to kiss that smirk right of his mouth

I was sitting in my room unpacking the drawers had dust on them and that just reminded me of how much time I lost here last summer I wanted it back but then I remembered what happened before summer last year and what led up to me not being able to face cousins and ruin its happiness with my bitterness and self-hatred I knew that as soon as I saw Conrad I would burst into a pile of tears and I couldn't  with everything he had dealt with that year and the year before that with Susannah being sick and then getting better and his girlfriend had just broken up with him I knew that it was best if I stayed away until I could fix myself I didn't fix myself somedays it's fresh and other days it feels like it was so long ago but I picked myself up and I got out of my spiral all by myself it made me a little cold and I hated that
 

I had decided to go down to the beach to try and catch a wave or two I wanted to distract myself until dinner I had a yellow bikini on and a cropped sweater over it I ran down the beach smelling the saltie air and I could feel the damp air make my hair frizz as I ran I jumped in the water until I couldn't feel sand anymore I got on the board and sat waiting for a wave I got one I love the smooth feeling of gliding over the water there was something so satisfying about it after I sat on the beach watching the sun go down it was beautiful I live for moments like this the ocean is like my home and sunsets bring me right back to the ocean, the ocean is my everything 

"M" Jere said tapping my shoulder "It's time for dinner"  "Oh right sorry I got caught up," I said picking up my surfboard "It's your favorite spaghetti and garlic bread," he said nudging me, I love spaghetti but I love garlic bread even more, especially Susannah's she taught me how to make hand made nuddles whenever I miss her I make those nuddles and her recipe for spaghetti sauce "hey are you doing ok," Jere said in a concerned tone "ya I am fine" he isn't stupid he knows what fine means and all he wanted to do was push the real answer out of me but we where already at the house 

"Here I made extra garlic bread just for you," Susannah said giving me a warm smile "Thanks," I said with a half smile I put the plate on the table closet to me I sat next to Belly and the boys sat on the other side the moms sat at the ends of the table "so how is everything with school Maddy," Susannah said with a smirk what she was trying to say was any cute boys Maddy so I responded with "good straight a's in all my classes" "steven get off your phone" my mom said "one minute," he said annoyed Jere reached over and tossed his phone into a basket "yesss" Jere said  "dude I was texting a girl since I am the only one in this family that has any dating life at all" Conrad laughed at stevens claim "I guess Maddy to except you can't really call what happened last year dating can you Maddy," Steven said pocking his cheek with his fork looking at me and then he laughed I could feel the color drain from my face as everyone's eyes went from being on him to being of me "umm I..... I ... I'm... not hungry anymore" I said getting up a tear fell onto the table cloth I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me 

I went out of the back door and all the tears came flooding out of my eyes I can't believe he would bring that up, especially in front of everyone he doesn't even know what he is talking about he doesn't know what happened that night he is my brother but right now I hated him I hated everything about him I hated the fact that he would use me as a joke to look cool or feel good about himself I started running down the beach and let the wind dry my tears then I stopped sat on the beach for the second time today trying to find comfort and a distraction I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out a cigarette and a lighter I lite the cigarette and put it in between my lips trying to forget everything and for a split second I did and I would take another hit and that feeling would come back for one second