Periwinkle - Life in shades of blue (part 1)

KFC

I want someone who love me
I need someone who needs me
'Cause it don't feel right when it's late at night
And it's just me in my dreams
So I want someone to love, that's what I fucking want

That's what I want by Lil Nas X

Suguru's house has become familiar as summer went by.

Then, summer turned into autumn and eventually into winter. We changed teacher because professor Nagami retired after a tough mission, or at least that's what we've been told when his substitute took his place. This professor Yaga is much younger than him and I'll have to admit he's more willing to take risks with his students, which is extremely important to push our limits and see how far we can go. He's been sending us out more often than before, I've had my first solo missions and a confidence boost from coming back victorious. Suguru is making progress fast, as well. He's been promoted to first grade, but I'm sure if he keeps at it he'll reach my special grade in no time. I'd love to go on missions with him, when I'm out alone I always think about him and bring back souvenirs, even if I'm only taking the subway to Asakusa.

We don't get to be together in class that often lately, so I usually spend my free time around his house whenever I can. I met his mother's girlfriend, Mai, who seems lovely, albeit really shy and uncomfortable with me around the house. With time, she's loosened up a bit and I've caught some wholesome moments between them. It's hard not to think about my own situation when I see them be affectionate with each other, a voice in the back of my head being a constant reminder of the life I can't have. I wonder if there's a chance for me to someday get to that point, where I can just forget about my family and position and finally live how I like. Love who I want.

I indulge that thought for a moment, stealing glances at Suguru by my side, the icy wind of December messing up his perfect bun and coloring his nose. Do I want to love him?

My eyes fall back on my feet before he can catch me. It doesn't matter what I want, I shouldn't daydream of something impossible. Not only because I'm insecure about my sexuality, but mainly because he's not interested in guys. I've been assigned to more than one mission with a girl from the Kyoto jujutsu school and it appears his popularity has expanded beyond the borders of the capital. She's been asking about him, trying to find out what's his type of girlfriend and his favorite things. I could've been jealous, but in reality I just took the chance to talk about him relentlessly. The girl is pretty and really kind, I'm sure they'd make a nice couple. If I can't have him, at least I can see him happy with someone else, right?

"Penny for your thoughts?"

My mind's been wandering away again, and I forgot I'm walking back to the tram stop with Suguru and Ieiri. I shake my head, "it's nothing."

This makes him scoff, I can hear Shoko giggle by my other side. "You're unusually quiet, what's up?"

I sigh, sending her an annoyed side eye. "Do you know Utahime, from Kyoto high?" I ask to no one in particular, taking out of my pocket an old pair of sunglasses when we pass near the trashcan to finally get rid of them.

Shoko shakes her head, so I turn to Suguru to find him already looking at me with a funny expression. "What?" I raise one eyebrow, grimacing at his smug grin.

"Nothing," he laughs quietly. "You never talk about girls, it's just weird." He shrugs, looking at the stormy clouds above us.

"It's not like I care about girls..." I roll my eyes, why does he make it sound like this is about me?

Shoko's laugh is too loud when she adds in a knowing tone, "Satoru doesn't want a girlfriend."

I almost elbow her, but she evades me to run towards her scooter, a couple of meters down the road. I sigh, forced to bear Suguru's snickering by my side for now. "Oh, shut up!" I flick the back of his head, making him laugh even harder. "I was asking because she's interested in you, not me," bumping my shoulder into his, I speed up to reach Ieiri and wave her goodbye.