Periwinkle - Life in shades of blue (part 1)

Coping without you

Just give me a reason
To keep my heart beating
Don't worry, it's safe right here in my arms
As the world falls apart around us
All we can do is hold on, hold on

The beginning by One Ok Rock

It's been almost a month since Yoko died.

There's been a funeral with way too many people I've never met once in my entire life, but I've been trying my best to stay close to him. I know all too well how it feels to be lonely, especially after losing someone so important, and it's the last thing I'd wish for him.

His grandparents came down from Sapporo a couple of days after hearing the news. They've been staying in a hotel, signing papers so Suguru didn't have to, paying for the burial and what not. At some point, they asked him to move with them to Sapporo, but he refused stubbornly. I can only imagine how he must loathe them after everything they've put him and his mother through, but a part of me wishes for him to go. The way he's been grieving in these past few weeks has crushed me, if only he could get away from anything that reminds him of her, maybe he could have a fresh start. Maybe he won't just survive but get back to living.

He hasn't been actually living since his mother died. He's been sleeping, daydreaming, staring at the wall, eating every now and then when I was there to remind him, or when Shoko took my place if I was out exorcising curses. It's been a struggle to be present despite having to travel often and far from here, the last thing I wish to do right now is to fight for this stupid jujutsu society. Not to mention, I also need to go to school, see our schoolmates and listen to them asking about him. They want to know how he's doing, if he'll get back to school anytime soon, if he's still not taking missions. I never know what to say, so I just lie and tell them I will ask him. They don't know how impossible it is to get more than three words out of him, and they shouldn't. I know he would kick out even me if only he had the strength to get off the bed, he doesn't need other people around.

Mai, Yoko's ex-girlfriend, came around to check in on Suguru, but he refused to see her too. He let her take what she wanted from his mother's bedroom, but after that he asked me to make her leave. I know he's ashamed of the pitiful state he's in, he lost quite a lot of weight and he hardly ever showers, but I don't know how to shake him out of it. I've even thought of suggesting therapy, but I know he has unresolved trauma with psychiatrists and such, I'm not sure how he'd take it.

In all of this, how have I been doing, you might ask? Well, I'm also grieving the loss of someone I almost thought of as family, but I know how to deal with the death of a dear one. My main focus has been Suguru's wellbeing, I literally live in his house now and I'm pretty sure he'd be reduced to a stinky and hungry blob on his bed if I didn't. I've tried to talk to the council – well, my grandfather, mostly – about how I need some time off missions to take care of him, my dearest friend, but he was deaf to my pleas. That's what pushed me to find out I can kill curses way faster if I only activate limitless when I strictly need it. And also, why I've been collecting bruises and scratches that caught Shoko's attention, leading to a talk about how I should look out for myself as well. "Think of what he'd do if he lost you too," she'd say, "if you don't want to take care of yourself, do it for him at least." She insists in seeing me weekly to check any wound left over by my own reverse cursed technique, which I admit I started using superficially for lack of time and necessity.

Then she told me she found out where Toji Fushiguro's son was living and gave me some more info about him. I was hesitant, but when she mentioned he inherited ten shadows cursed technique I knew I had to reach out.

At first, he seemed a weird kid. He had this grown-up look on his face that reminded me of his father, it was creepy as fuck. But after he decided to move with his sister to jujutsu high instead of reuniting with his goddamn crazy clan Zen'in, I started seeing him casually in the school hallways, and I must admit I'm growing quite fond of the kid. Somehow, he really helps me decompress, weirdly I don't feel like I need to take care of him, even if I'm technically the only economical safety net he has. Sometimes, after Suguru falls asleep in the middle of a Sunday afternoon, I like to check in on Megumi and treat him to an ice cream.