Periwinkle - Life in shades of blue (part 1)

Your worst

I know they don't like me that much
Guess that I don't dress how they want
I just wanna be myself, I can't be someone else
Try to colour inside their lines
Try to live a life by design
I just wanna be myself, I can't be someone else

Stand out fit in by One Ok Rock

TW: blood, mention of death, child abuse, homophobic themes

What was I thinking when I decided that playing basketball outside in January would be fun? I can't even catch the ball anymore, my fingers feel like popsicles. Last time I tossed it, the ball got stuck in the basket and I had to get up there to take it down. I fucking hate the cold.

There's no one at school but me and some teacher I'm not familiar with, I haven't seen anyone since this morning because the school ground is pretty huge and it's hard to bump into people randomly. It reminds me of when I went to the playground as a kid, as soon as I stepped inside everyone would disappear, leaving me alone with the servants. But of course, no one would be at school on New Year's Day. No one, except me. I kick a rock, only to find out it's frozen to the ground and doesn't budge. I sigh, not even rocks want to play with me today.

It's a nice day, at least. The sun's come out and the sky is clear and blue, the same color I've always associated with Suguru. Despite the chilly atmosphere, I find myself with a smile on my face, just thinking of him. How I wish he'd be here, we would have gone to the shrine and I would have lent him one of my kimonos, the ones I keep in the closet don't fit me anymore. Instead, he's out somewhere on a mission, leaving me worried for when he gets back. I hope he won't find too much trouble.

I did everything I could to bring the council to my side, to show them they could count on me and me alone. But in the end, their decision was clear: if he wants to graduate, he has to follow the school plan. After graduation he'll do as he pleases, but not before. We only have a month left, so it's not a big deal, but I still get worried whenever he's out alone.

I've tried and failed to show them it's not a whim but a matter of life or death. After the meeting, right before everyone left, I sank to my knees in front of my grandfather, bowing exactly like he taught me to, my forehead on the tip of my fingers pressed to the ground, begging him for help. I felt so vulnerable and ashamed, exposing myself like that, but I found the courage to speak nonetheless. I told him of how I couldn't sleep, how seeing my best friend almost kill himself is a memory I'll never get over, a constant reminder through day and night that I could lose him if we keep living like this. I told him that the world would count less than naught if I were to lose him, I explained how he's important to me, how he's way more than a classmate or a colleague. I even said I couldn't bare losing one more person I love, after losing my mother. I even sobbed before his disgusted face.

Even then, in front of his grandchild humiliating himself and showing his fragility before the most powerful people of the jujutsu world, he groaned and hastily urged me to stop whining like a baby girl. He seemed eager to publicly remind me and everyone watching that he didn't raise me like that, before dismissing the meeting and leaving the room.

I feel like throwing up, thinking about how I failed Suguru and exposed myself, all at once. By now, everyone in the jujutsu world must know of our relationship. It doesn't really bother me per se, but I'm sure my professional image will resent it. Traditions and customs play a huge part in this jujutsu farce, and being in a homosexual relationship can't be exactly described as traditional. Even if they didn't explicitly say it, I know it's one of the main reasons why the council couldn't care less about my requests. Promising to raise a powerful sorcerer generation doesn't mean that much if the strongest shaman of this time is nothing more than a perverse post-puberty teenager. The more I think about it, the more I can't make it make sense. I always knew my grandfather was a homophobic prick, and that by extension the other clans didn't think much different, but we can't surely be the first gay sorcerers in history, can we?