Periwinkle - Life in shades of blue (part 1)

Avalanche

Let me take your hand, I'll make it right
I swear to love you all my life
Hold on, I still need you

Hold on by Chord Overstreet

IMPORTANT TW: suicide, death, PTSD

"Thank you for everything, Satoru. I could never thank you enough."

I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to shush the voices in my head. "What do you mean?"

He looks at me through heavy eyelids, the faintest smile drawing on his lips. "I mean I'm grateful to have you in my life."

Oh.

This answer takes me off guard, it's the most honest compliment I've heard since everything went spiraling down almost a year ago. I can't hold the spontaneous laugh while I squeeze him tight between my arms. "It makes me so happy to hear this."

He chuckles in response and I think that if I died right now I would be happy enough with this. I wipe my hand on a towel, careful not to spoil the water with bodily fluids when I reach to throw the condom away, but Suguru doesn't move one single muscle. He feels like a bag of beans in my arms, his voice is small when he notices that I'm trying to move. "Can you hold me like this a little longer?"

I scoff, the answer seems obvious. "I'd hold you like this forever, love." I rest one hand on his face to cup his cheek and bring his eyes to mine, smiling when I get lost in the first memories I have about him. When he used to get mad at me for making fun of his bangs and I used to blush every time he looked my way. When the world wasn't so heavy, when I didn't have to sneak out of bed to perform exorcisms at four in the morning. Every morning.

He doesn't return the smile, just stares at me with a mildly nostalgic look in his eyes. Maybe he's also missing the way it felt, when we thought we could be anything and life was just a winning bet we were never scared to lose.

His heartbeat slows in rhythm with his breaths, he's humming and playing lazily with the bubbles on my chest. I do hold him like I promised, until the water gets cold and we have to change it in order to actually clean ourselves. The weird sensation doesn't leave me when we get out, because he's being uncharacteristically clingy and looks nervous whenever our skin isn't directly touching. I can't complain for the sudden need of attention, but I can't even keep my head from making assumptions about it. He must know that I'll be taking a plane in a few hours, missions are assigned weekly and everyone can see the plan when it's sent via email. The timing really sucks, I've been looking forward to celebrate our first year together.

"I'm sorry we can't have our KFC date this year," I try to bring it up while we're getting dressed in his room. "Can we make up for it when I get back?" I turn around when I find my favorite sweater in his wardrobe and put it on, smiling because it smells like him now. Maybe I should bring it with me on this trip.

He doesn't look as melancholic as before, staring up at me from where he's trying to find his furry socks under the bed. "Don't worry about it, I'm sure it'll be worth the trip to Singapore." He huffs standing up, Matcha must have found his socks before him. "You're gonna have fun."

I instantly pout hearing this. I know he's just trying to make me feel better for going, but I feel like he's dismissing it way too easily. "Well it'd be more fun to celebrate our first anniversary together..."

He trips on his sweatpants while trying to wear them, sending me a confused look and landing on the bed. "Anniversary?" there isn't malice in his chuckle, just tease. "I didn't know that's how you felt about it."