𝘈𝘓𝘞𝘈𝘠𝘚, 𝘍𝘖𝘙𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙 - 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗡𝗜𝗘 𝗚𝗨𝗜𝗟𝗕𝗘𝗥𝗧

∙ 𝗦𝗘𝗩𝗘𝗡 ∙

HEAVY WARNING: SELF HARM.

DO NOT READ IF THIS IS TRIGGERING!!

"Do you guys want to go to target or something? I'm bored." I say. "Oh, we actually had plans with Tara. Sorry, Liana." Jake says. I nod my head, feeling hurt that I wasn't invited.

I know, i sound super self absorbed but we all live together and when we do things without Tara it's on a whim. Plus, for so long she was just my friend or Jake's girlfriend and now she's starting to hang around us more. But I just feel like I'm being replaced.

"No, you're fine. I'll be in my room when you get back." I say, walking up the stairs. Once I finally reach the second floor I hear the front door slam shut.

I felt betrayed. Yes, they're allowed to have other friends. But I thought it'd always be just us. I never thought that maybe they would find someone to replace me.

Maybe it was just my anxiety getting to me.

Everything would probably be fine when they got back.

Or it won't.

Clicking back into reality, I wipe the tear that had dropped down my face and enter my bathroom.

It wasn't just that fact that they're with another girl, it's the fact that they also didn't tell me or anything.

I loved Tara with my whole heart. But I couldn't compete with her. She's prettier and more fun to be around. She has the best styles I've ever seen and the cutest laugh. Jake fell in love with her, so why wouldn't Johnnie?

And why do I care that Johnnie would fall in love with her?

If anything, they're probably talking shit on me right now.

I open the mirror cabinet and pull out the stash of blade I have from my razor. I pick one out and collapse on the floor as my feelings flood my body like a tidal wave.

The tears flow down my cheeks and I unbutton my jeans and pull them down so my waist is exposed.

I look at the old scars and fresh cuts along my pelvic bone and gently trace over them with my fingers.

I choose a spot and stick the blade deep into it. I hiss in paint as I cut a line into my skin, watching the blood rushing up.

The stinging sensation hurt, but it hurt so.. good?

Pain shouldn't feel good. But it felt better than any drug could ever make me feel.

But I can't help but think of how unhealthy this is. I've barely been eating and I cut myself any chance I get.

There had to be a better way. A way that wasn't so mentally draining. A way to heal myself without hurting myself.

I dug the blade into my leg again, craving the feeling. I let the blood pour out as I sit on the ground, with my head in my hands as I sobbed.

I sobbed and sobbed until I couldn't cry anymore.

I just wanted it to be easier. Why couldn't we live a life without pain? Or without misery? Why couldn't life be all cupcakes and rainbows?

Eventually, I fell asleep on the bathroom floor. My wounds unattended, and my pants pulled around my knees.

༒

"Liana?" I awoke to Johnnie's voice and his fist pounding against the door. "You alright in there?" He asks. "Yeah I'm good, just cleaning up." I say.

Scrambling to pull my pants up and cover the deep cuts on my body. I look at myself in the mirror. I looked like shit.

"Okay, Jake and I brought you some Taco Bell. I got you a Mexican pizza and a steak quesadilla." He says.