𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈 𝒾 𝓌𝒾𝓈𝒽 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓈𝒶𝒾𝒹 - coriolanus snow

the curtains, the birds, the blankets, thoughts.

(warning: anxiety)

Elsie sat alone in her room tangled up in blankets shielding her from the cold. She buried herself in her work, she wrote and planned until she couldn't breathe. She looked up from her notebook and looked at the thin curtains in her room swaying slightly from the wind. Elsie couldn't breathe when she thought about him. When she pictured him in her head butterflies erupted in her stomach. She would have to wait it out. She would have to wait for the feelings to go away, she couldn't hurt Lucy Gray. The sound of the birds outside were doing her head in and the blankets under her felt rough. In her head she was helpless, there was nothing she could do. Her body was tense and her breaths were shaky. She couldn't think as her brain was too focused on everything happening around her. The curtains moving, the birds chirping, the blankets under her, her own thoughts. Everything replayed in her brain and she felt a pressure in her stomach. A pressure that she had felt before, once. When Lucy was chosen for the games. 

The curtains, the birds, the blankets, thoughts. 

The curtains, the birds, the blankets, thoughts.

The curtains, the birds, the blankets, thoughts. 

They played louder and got up and scurried to the middle of her room, the cold nipping at her skin. She stood alone, completely alone in the middle of her room. Her bare feet feeling the uneven floorboards below her. She couldn't take it. She couldn't take the feeling of the pressure on her chest. She couldn't help but feel helpless whenever she thought about him. She sunk down and held her knees close to her chest as she sat on her floor. She rested her head in the space between her knees. It wasn't comfortable but nothing was at that moment. She had lost who she was when she was with him. Elsie's smile was wider when she was with him, her laugh was brighter and she hated herself for it. She was disgusted with how he brought out a side of her that nobody could. A good side, a pure, beautiful side. She just wanted him to go away, but at the same time that would be her biggest heartbreak. Elsie's thoughts contradicted each other as she sat alone, the cold and crisp air hitting her skin.  She couldn't think about what would happen if he had never showed up. She didn't know she could feel that way towards a person. Her body opened up when he was next to her, she was happy, truly. 

But he was Lucy Gray's. Not her's. 

He was hers to have if she wanted, never hers to keep. 

She could sense a connection with Coriolanus but she could be making it up to be more than it was. Don't fuck this up again. She repeated in her head repetitively. She wouldn't let herself have him, she couldn't do that to her friend. Her friend that had already gone through so much. Her friend that had only survived because of him. Coriolanus loves Lucy Gray. And that is something that weighed down on her, a heavy feeling in her heart. Her stomach felt light but the rest of her felt heavy. 

His hair was short, she could imagine what it would feel like under her fingers. She could imagine his eyes staring into hers after a long night, how perfect their colours were. A pure blue, a blue that not even water could be. She knew what the texture of his light stubble would be if she touched his face. She could see herself loving him. She could see him loving her. The thought of him overwhelmed her and she took shallow breaths as pictures of him flashed throughout her mind. His hair, his eyes, his lips, his face. All hers. 

Stop.

He's not yours.