Free Bee Thought

How I found My Purpose

July 5th 2023

Have you ever wondered how you're sitting in church and the pastor just says something that you needed to hear? Something you asked God to answer for you. A word or message that speaks to your soul. It shifts you to a place where you realize that you either believe in coincidence or divinity. Where you're confronted by your beliefs. If you were ever aware of subtle messages and signs that speak messages to you those moments of realization and awareness, then you're definitely not alone.

Growing up in a very religious Christian home I was thought about God and how he speaks to his children. I looked for all the signs he would send, and I would ask for signs, and he would graciously send. I felt him close to me and I believed with all my heart. He had to be real. All those signs? There is no way that had to be coincidences. At age 9 I decided to get baptized. I believed if I did all the rules and stuck to them, I would be chosen by him, and he would have a great plan for me. I felt this way at age 9. After being baptized my father took me to his room and knelt down with me. "You're now empty and free, you need to ask Jesus to come in and fill you up now."

This was the first time I felt coherence on this level. My heart blew up. I burst open and I could feel angels all around happy to have me join the fold. I was crying with happiness. "You are so clean now and you need to keep asking God to keep you filled. If you do not there are seven more powerful demons that will come into your life" said dad as he kissed me goodnight. Seven? More Powerful? Demons? My mind could not let it go. I pondered on fear, and I believed I was not good enough to be one that gets to keep God. I believed I was flawed and Faulty and Nothing I do would ever be good enough. I faded.

9 Years later I decided that I needed to find myself. The rules I were thought overtook my mind. It became a trap. I felt a feeling of urgency and I sat down and told my father that I wanted to leave the religion and see the world for myself. He was heartbroken. He said OKAY but he was never satisfied with any choice I made and always said something when he found the opening.

A few days after leaving and following my own way I was invited to go to my family's home in Guyana. I tried to protest but my mother pushed it hard on me till I just gave in. In the next two days I was in Guyana. I got my own room at their house. I never had my own room, so it felt so great. I enjoyed wearing pants for the first time and being happy to see myself in the mirror. I went out for drinks with friends and came home late one night, my aunt and uncle were awake waiting for me. My aunt sniffed me hard for alcohol. Yes, I was drunk, I confronted her about sniffing me and laughed it off. I was forced to go to church even though they promised I would be free. I kept losing things that I bought, like nail polish and vape. I visited another aunt and when I went out, she burnt all my pants. I thanked her even though I was furious.

The pain of losing everyone to find myself was more than I could bare. Everyone was treating me nicely and some would lecture me and try to get me to come back into the religion. Manipulation and lies were everywhere. Deceit and Drama. I was being controlled by my family.

Where have I end up? I'm doing all the things I swore I would never do when I was baptized. I have 7 demons for sure now I thought. Maybe if i ask for forgiveness I could be forgiven? At the time I was courting this guy from church that I knew from when I was small and lived in Guyana. We were together for 2 years and I wanted to get married no matter what and fast. He and I where toxic and we dated via social media. I broke up with him before I left to go to Guyana, and he came to see me when I went.When I saw him, I asked if we could get married. Yes, was everyone's answer. Yes, was his answer and his family said an astounding no and never came to the wedding. Two weeks after we met back after we were broken up, I was walking down the aisle in a white dress. Wait. This all started with me putting the intention that i want to find myself. Or? Was it the night my father told me a story about 7 devils?
Six months into marriage I was so depressed and suicidal I had no idea why. I kept thinking, when is it going to be over? I'm not getting pregnant and now my family treat me like I'm not their problem to have anymore. I felt so abandoned and alone. I couldn't truly trust my husband because I believed a wife should obey her husband and be quiet, that a man and woman was too different for him to have understood what I was going through. I couldn't understand why I felt this way.

Our home in Guyana that my family set up for us became infested with rats. Out of survival instincts I found a way back to Trinidad where I would be allowed to stay in a small apartment downstairs from where my parents stayed. My husband and I that is.

We couldn't afford the rent but still was allowed to stay by the kindness of the landlord. You see he is my Husbands pastor. The depression never stopped. Momentarily I would feel ease and eventually I would become a pothead.

I became obsessed with looking for an easier way to live and a way to help myself. The feeling of being different wasn't a good thing anymore. It was a bad scary daunting nightmare. I felt forgotten and abandoned. I craved for acceptance and inner peace from the turmoil I went through daily.

I found Science. I started finding answers about physical reality that my religious faith didn't teach. Physics and the beauty of Mathematics. I saw a new world.

I then found psychology. I started to notice small things that I was automatically thinking about myself and believed. I never used to question them because that was what I firmly believed. I was also thought not to ask questions to just believe even if it made no sense to me. Psychology thought me to be aware. That I could never change someone else's behavior only my own. I began self-reflection and found out on accident that I was relating to a specific diagnosis. Borderline Personality Disorder they call it.

I saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with it a few months after. I never felt more understood and more alone at the same time. I would have rage inside and take it out on my family. I would be sent to the psyche ward for age regression and be treated like a huge problem. Help. Thats all I want that's all I need.

I stopped taking my medication and I took a pill one day. I'm not sure what was in it, but it was called ecstasy. The feeling rushed through me, for the first time in my life I felt loved. It took me back to the night I Spent on my knees with God. "This is what I want" I concluded.

Psychiatrist after psychiatrist visits, and I was back in my sober mind. Can I feel this again without the drugs? Is it possible? I discovered Psychedelics. Three trips after and I am a new person.

My entire life was all starting to make sense. My ego that identified with my past kept judging me; and my values where all messed up. I never allowed myself to feel. The number of dark feelings I pushed down and ignored was keeping me in depression. The anger and hurt I felt from not being seen, from being abandoned and from the constant self judgement was all causing my depression. Mushrooms and LSD thought me about the value of the present moment and what it felt like to let go. That was all 2 years ago. I haven't done any psychedelics since, and it still teaches me.

I wanted to get that freedom without a crutch. I had a mission to find out how to recreate this and find it in my own consciousness. Abraham Hicks Louise Hay https://youtu.be/lz16YqpWkz4 (This is a book)Allan Watts Ram Dass Joe Dispenza Eckhart Tolle https://youtu.be/P2r9oTMx-_E (This is also a book)Aubrey Marcus Aaron Doughty Blu

These people became my guidance. I went through them over the 2 years after being awakened to my understanding of the Knowing of the universe though psychedelics.

Today I can say I found it. I found myself. I found what I've been looking for since I was a little 9-year-old beta. Its unconditional and its beautiful. It's simple and it's not coincidental but one big Sign. A Synchronicity that is so big I couldn't deny it.

I found a stability with spirituality finally. I found it I found it and Ill shout it. Shout it so loud! How do I do that? Living it. I'm living a life of awareness. I'm not believing my thoughts of judgement rather I am Observing and choosing a new perspective. I found a belief that came from pure knowingness. From the awareness and from the great love I called the Universe. It is everything.

I allow myself to access a higher frequency and I get messages from the great source for myself and others. I live by their teachings of love and non-identification. I have found a way to the purpose of my life. I have found out why I am here, and I am learning how to embody my new mission. I will be sharing my journey with whomever may listen and keep Evolving and learning more.

The secret is nonjudgement, acceptance, letting go and allowing. This is what my blog will be about. My art, my music and my Thoughts, articles and posts will be coming from a place of alignment. A Place of spiritual freedom and expression. All that I am today has been in the works since the day I felt what God was at age 9. I am evolving and changing but always at my core my mission would be to live a free life and be all that I know I am. I intend to help others see that they aren't alone. That hope is for all of us. Every last human. Once you're breathing, you're worthy of love says God.