Do I Deserve This? (JOHNNIE GUILBERT X READER)

Chapter 1: The Day I Met You

Hey guys! This is my first time writing a story, PLEASE READ THIS before continuing! I just want to inform you that this story does contain heavy/mature topics. TW: There will be self-harm(ED and cutting/burning skin), attempted rape, sexual assault, suicide, eating disorder(anorexia), childhood trauma, and sex.

Just an FYI,  Johnnie Guilbert is still somewhat popular in this story, but not as much, and the story isn't going to highlight his popularity much.
Enjoy!

It's cold, so damn cold. I look down at the floor and see my legs shivering. Why is it so cold?

I open my phone and check the weather app—50 degrees. It's not that bad, but I can't tolerate the cold whatsoever. I sigh and place my phone down, just staring back down at the floor. The more I stare, the more details I start to notice, like the small pieces of cat hair scattered across the floor and the scars, placed in a pattern on my thighs. I had a terrible addiction to cutting. I also used to burn myself with cigarettes and lighters because it made me feel better. Well, I say "used to"; I like to tell myself that. It makes me feel better about myself, but I haven't really stopped. It mainly started when my brother killed himself years ago when I was a child. I also didn't have a great childhood; my mom was a drunk, and my dad abused me. I only have my brother, but he couldn't take it anymore; it was too much for him. After that, I just couldn't stop self-harming. It's all I ever wanted to do, and it's still all I want to do... God, I hate myself. Why am I like this? Negative thoughts circle my mind.

My cat walks in, rubbing against my leg, taking my mind off the horrible things I continue to let myself believe. I have two cats, Sabre and Ginger. I love my cats; they're the only ones that don't judge me. I live in LA in a one-bedroom apartment; I'm 25, and my only friends, Tara and Jake, want me to go to a party in two days. Ugh! I don't want to go. I really, really don't want to go, but I know that it makes them happy. I do it for them, I'm such a people pleaser. It gives them joy whenever I actually go out and put myself out there because I have no other friends, and I'm always lonely. Tara and I met through Jillian, Jake's sister. I actually dated her for two years, and eventually, we decided we just weren't right for each other. But I thought we were right for each other; I was in love, and I wanted to be with her forever, but she didn't feel the same way. That broke me. I couldn't stop thinking about it for years. It's definitely getting better; I've gotten over her for the most part. I don't think about her like that anymore, and we both still respect each other. I just don't know if I'll ever meet someone that I love again, and that scares me. It scares the hell out of me. I usually just rot in my room all day, but every once in a while, they always convince me to go somewhere for once. Plus, Tara really wants me to meet her friend, "Johnnie Guilbert." I can't lie; I'm beyond scared. I don't talk to new people. I'd rather just sit here, alone but Tara thinks we'll get along well. I guess we'll see...

[TIME SKIP 3 HOURS LATER]

I walk on the crosswalk when I see the man walking signal pop up. Every time I cross the road, it makes me anxious; all I can think about is "What if the car keeps driving anyway, running me over?". "You deserve that, let's hope that happens," the voices in my head that I can't block out no matter how hard I try say. Once I make it to the other side, I see a bright blue sign with the words "Emmy's Ice Cream" labeled on it. "Huh," I say out loud. I was just gonna go for a walk, but I love ice cream, and I haven't eaten all day. "I'm really craving ice cream right now; I'll go in," I say to myself, and so I do just that. The door chimes as I walk in, and I walk quickly to the counter, trying to order my food and get out of there as soon as possible. I'm greeted by a young male, definitely in his late 20s, asking me what I would like to order. I say, the chocolate sundae... He's not ugly but not exactly handsome. I'm not attracted to him, but generally, he's somewhat attractive. He has long, silky, dark brown hair with a slight stubble. I sit in silence for a few minutes, waiting for my ice cream until I hear footsteps from behind me. I look to my right and see a man with black hair and pasty skin. He has tattoos scattered around his arms all the way up to his neck and an early 2000s emo cut. I remember when I dressed like that. I mean, I still don't dress exactly normal, but I don't dress like that, emo. I have more of a grunge and goth style, but I still dress similarly. It's weird seeing someone with that style still; I never see anyone dress like that nowadays. It is different, and I like that. He looks at me, noticing that I'm staring at him; we lock eye contact for a split second until I break the silence by saying "Hi." I'm so awkward. Why? Just say something else, please! You're so stupid! I stay silent, trying to look for something else to say. Then I notice he seems so familiar... It's almost like I know him from somewhere... Then it clicks. That's Johnnie; Tara has shown me pictures of him before, so I know what he looks like, but he looks different in person, so it's kind of hard to recognize him. He's more pretty in person, I guess...His eyes are piercing...They're gorgeous. I finally say, "Are you Johnnie Gilbert?" "Yes, why?" he asks. "I know you because Tara and Jake told me about you; I'm y/n. They want me to meet you at the party in two days." I say in response. He looks at me with confusion, only for a second, and quickly puts a smile spread wide across his face. "Oh cool!" he says with excitement. I'm surprised he actually wants to meet me; he seems genuinely excited about it. He asks if I want to sit with him, and I accept the offer. We talk for a while about various topics such as our age, jobs, hobbies, etc. I love to paint and draw; it's all I do when I'm not rotting in my bed. Johnnie tells me that he makes YouTube videos and music for a living. He's wearing an MCR t-shirt. "I like your shirt," I say. He looks down at his shirt as if he doesn't already know he's wearing it. Why do people do that? They already know what they're wearing; I guess people do it to make the conversation less awkward. "Thanks, yours too," he says. It's actually very nice talking to him. He seems sweet and gentle and has the most beautiful big, bright blue eyes. Every time he looks at me, it's like he's crawling into my soul and looking deep into my life, which sounds scary, and it is, but also comforting at the same time. It's comforting because because it felt like someone was actually listening to me and acknowledging my existence for once. After talking for a while we threw away the wrapping and napkins then headed out. "See you at the party," he said before walking off. Yeah, see you soon...

Word count:1353

Thanks for reading! Hopefully, this gets out, and people start reading it. Please let me know if you want me to continue it or if there are any story suggestions you have.