Do I Deserve This? (JOHNNIE GUILBERT X READER)

Chapter 7: Feels Like a Year

The door opens, causing the bell to chime. "Yes, thank you so much. Have a good day!" a lady says, walking away from the cafe. I work at a cafe, about 10 minutes away from my apartment. I just recently got this job when I moved here as soon as my broken leg healed. Johnnie helped a lot, and I mean a lot. Probably more than he should've. He literally doesn't even seem real. It's been about 5 months since the car wreck now, though it feels like it was yesterday. I'm still so mad at myself for that. I already know I'm gonna beat myself over that forever...I try not to, but...I can't help but criticize everything I do. I wish I didn't...Oh, Yeah! I've also moved in with Johnnie since then. He suggested it a few weeks after the car wreck. God, Everything is going so fast but it's so great. It's really great. He's really great. Ding! I hear the door swing open. The sound of Footsteps walking up to the counter. It's the one and only, Johnnie Guilbert. He's wearing black, ripped skinny jeans, a "The Cure" T-shirt, and a few necklaces hanging from his neck. Yep, that's definitely Johnnie. You can't really miss Johnnie, he always stands out like a sore thumb. He's here because we wanted to spend the day together doing fun, dumb things. "Oh, you're here early," I say. "Yeah, I was out with Jake and he just dropped me off here, so I'm a teensy bit early," he says. I chuckle and look down for a moment... "Well, do you want anything? You're gonna be here awhile" I say. He orders a muffin and sits down, scrolling on his phone. I stare at him, analyzing his perfections and imperfections but to me, they're not imperfections. To me they're perfect. I quickly snap out of my thoughts once I realize what I'm doing. I continue to take orders and work for another hour until my shift is finally over. Johnnie and I start to head out of the cafe, holding each other's hand while walking out of the door.

We're walking on the sidewalk, looking for some shops to visit. I turn to the side to look at him. His face has a calm expression on it. His bright blue eyes shine deeply in the sun. His black hair blows a little more to the side every so often...So mesmerizing. He's so mesmerizing. He looks to his side; looking back at me. "Are you staring at me?" he says in a lively manner. "Nooo..." I say. "Really? Cause I think you were." Johnnie says while placing one of his arms around my shoulder. "Okay, maybe I like to look at you a little bit". "A little bit? You stare at me every time you are around me.". "Oh yeah? Is there a problem with that? You think I don't see you staring at me all the time?" I say to him in a playful manner, squinting my eyes at him. He blushes slightly, chuckling while looking down. God, we're so cringe...We continue walking until a store a few blocks away from us catches our eye. Hot Topic. What the hell is a Hot Topic doing right here? I've never actually seen one as its own store, only in the mall before. We both look at each other in excitement like kids on Christmas morning and speed walk to the store. Of course, I pick out many items. I could shop there all day but god is that stuff expensive? Johnnie offered to pay for my stuff, he said "It's my treat". I tried to deny it, but he just kept insisting he should pay for it.

   Throughout the day we continue to shop around at different shops that look interesting. After we've shopped around for quite a while we decide it's best to get something to eat now. Well, I say "food" but what I really mean is a bunch of empty calories with a horrendous amount of fat and sugar, Ice cream. coincidentally, we go to the same exact ice cream we went to when we first met, "Emmy's Ice Cream". I know, we're so romantic, right? Johnnie swings open the door, signaling for me to walk in first. I step inside right in front of him. Hmm...what should I get? So many options. So many calories. My anorexia has gotten better for sure, but it never really goes away. It stays there, haunting you no matter how good it gets. I hate it. I hate it so damn much. Johnnie pats me on the shoulder, catching me off guard. "Hey, do you wanna share one?... A sundae, I mean." I'm looking at him, but not actually processing what he's saying. I just continue to look off in the distance. Johnnie waves his hand in front of my face, back and forth. I hear a faint voice call out to me. "y/n?...y/n?" Johnnie says repeatedly until finally catching my attention. "Oh yeah, let's share one," I say in a joyful tone, but Johnnie can tell something is up. He can always tell when something is going on with me. And I know that he knows it's about my ED. He orders our food and I pick a two-person table to sit at together. I'm sitting at a table alone scrolling through Instagram on my phone...I See a photo of Tara and Jake out together at a park. Since Johnnie and I were spending the day together they figured why not do the same. I liked their post and continued to scroll until I was interrupted by Johnnie setting down a chocolate and vanilla sundae on the table. He grabs two straws and two spoons, placing them in the sundae. I watch as Johnnie scoops some of the ice cream and proceeds to eat. I look down at the sundae. Ugh...Why can't I just enjoy it? Why can't I just have a healthy relationship with food? Johnnie looks at me and says, "You don't have to if you don't want to. There will be plenty of opportunities to eat later" he says almost in a whisper. I nod to him but I eat a little anyway because I need to eat. I haven't eaten all day and I really do want to get better....