Do I Deserve This? (JOHNNIE GUILBERT X READER)

Chapter 10: The Prohibited Kiss

Ahh, finally. Home sweet home. We arrive at the house, Johnnie dead asleep from all the alcohol. His head slightly tilted with his mouth open, seeming so peaceful. I open the car door and walk out. Should I just leave him in there? I should probably take him inside but, I'm so exhausted and that's the last thing I want to do right now. No, I should definitely bring him inside. Besides, shouldn't be too hard, right? He is...Well, not exactly the biggest, a little underweight I would say. Nevertheless, I walk to the other side of the car and slide my arms beneath his upper back and legs, carrying him. I'm so damn tired, I almost feel as if I'm about to pass out. My vision slowly becoming dark purple and fuzzy then gradually turning back to normal. Switching between the two phases back and forth as I'm walking to the door. I open the door and continue to carry Johnnie into the bedroom. I carefully lay him down on the bed and I lift his head up, placing a pillow underneath it. I lift the covers over him and take off each piece of jewelry he's wearing. First, a few rings on his fingers then, the black and silver necklaces wrapped around his neck. Lastly, I take off his black platform boots and place them on the side of the bed. I sit on the end of the bed right next to him by his legs. I gaze at him, admiring his visual imperfections. The acne spread on his cheeks. His dry, damaged hair, due to years of hairspray, teasing, and the immense amount of heat from straighteners. The crookedness in his teeth. The blonde slightly seeping into his roots. The faded black eyeshadow and eyeliner applied sloppily onto his eyes. I unravel and disassemble every single detail of his physical appearance. All of it was...Beautiful. It was far from "perfect" but that's exactly what attracted me to Johnnie in the first place. He's weird, unique, and filled with flaws. I suppose it comforts me, knowing that he has flaws and weaknesses aswell. It sort of makes me feel less alone. I take a deep sigh, and lay down next to him after turning off the light. I stare into blissful nothingness. The boring, white bumpy ceiling. I feel myself begin to fall asleep the more I look at it, feeling doozy...

  I wake up to the loud sound of the shower running. I peek my eyes open slightly, looking towards the restroom door. Johnnie must be showering right now. It's still quite dark outside though. What time is it? I carelessly grab my phone as if it isn't fragile and proceed to look at the time. The strikingly bright screen scolded my face. Oh god, that's bright as hell. My eyes squint even more at the sight of the luminous screen. The time read, 3:00 am. 3? Why is he up so late? Or should I say early? Maybe he couldn't sleep. Whatever, I just want to lie down and fall back asleep. I rest my head back on the pillow and turn over on my side. Minutes go by, still awake.
Great, Now I can't go back to sleep. Sometimes I hate sleep, but sometimes I love  it. The sound of Johnnie bursting open the bathroom door while only wearing shorts. Shorts? "Since, when do you wear shorts?" I ask. He looks at me with a grin on his face. "Since now...There were no clean pants so, I'm just wearing yours" he says, almost...embarrassed. It's not like I care anyway, I wear his clothes all of the time. I think he's mainly embarrassed due to the fact he's wearing shorts when he never does. I giggle at him, watching his face go red. His white skin glowed, and the tattoos that scattered his body fit so perfectly on him. His icy blue eyes observe me. He doesn't say anything, he just has that same stupid but cute smile on his face he always does. He continues to dry himself off and put on a shirt. He walks up to me, each step getting closer and closer. His body now towered over mine, standing on the side of the bed. I stand up next to him, now facing each other. He lifts his hand to my cheek, my face melting. I could do this for an eternity. He then pulls me into a hug, tracing his fingers around my body. What I only thought would be a simple hug, turned into much more. His hands slid under my shirt, unbuckling my bra. Slipping my shirt off. Taking his shirt off. I think you can make a good guess to what happened next. And yes, it was beautiful. Not many people get to say their first time was beautiful. So, that felt nice. I rarely ever feel good about things.

  I walk on the dirty, old sidewalk. Cars beep and swerve. I pass by various stores, some with people outside desperately trying to promote their products. Tara plans on picking me up so, I'm meeting her at a small coffee not too far from my place. I haven't heard from Johnnie since last night. What if he didn't like it? What if he doesn't want to be with me anymore? What if he doesn't find me attractive now? I know deep down inside none of these things are true, but I can't help but prepare for the worst. I know that he just probably hasn't had the chance to text me. "Hey!!" I hear a faint voice call out to me. Of course, it's Tara. She hugs me tightly and grabs my arm, pulling me inside the cafe. I didn't even realize I had made it to the cafe yet. I guess I was too busy thinking about Johnnie. She orders two coffees and directs me to a table, pushing my shoulders down to be seated. She's wearing a hot pink tube top paired with black cargo pants. Her hair the usually, straight down style. Her iconic winged eyeliner. Her tan skin glistened. She aggressively places both of her hands on the table, revealing her newly painted nails. "Look how cute, I got a manicure" I look and nod in agreement, smiling. "I've missed you, the party got crazy, I'm so fucking hungover!" she continues to chatter for what feels like forever, as usual. She talks about mindless drama, "tea" as she likes to call it that I certainly couldn't care less about. I drift off into my own thoughts, bored of listening to Tara. I observe the people around me. What they're wearing, their facial expressions, their interactions, what they possibly are thinking about in this very moment. My eyes focused on anyone but Tara. My ears are fuzzy, not being able to hear anything but a slight ringing. I'm not paying attention to Tara whatsoever until I hear a name I know oh too well, Jake. "We've decided it's best for both of us if we just separate." words I had never thought I would hear in one million years hesitantly fall out of her mouth. I can't believe it. They seemed like they were doing so well. What the hell happened? She looks at me with her gloomy eyes, about to cry. I can tell she's fighting with all her might to hold back the tears. But it's clearly too painful for her to do so. Tears start to slip out of the creases of her eyes. Watching her almost made me want to cry for her, she just looked so, so depressing. She clears her throat, breaking the overbearing silence between us. "I'll be okay though. It hurts, but it's really for the best" she says in a whispery, heartbreaking tone. I gently rub my hand back and forth on her shoulder, trying to comfort her. Her fingers touch my hand in response, assuring me she'll be okay. I hope she'll be okay. I need her to be okay. If she's not, I don't know what I'll do. It's Tara, she's always giddy. I'm not used to seeing her like this, she has definitely been more upset these past few months. I can tell she thinks I haven't noticed, but oh, I have. How could I not?