Do I Deserve This? (JOHNNIE GUILBERT X READER)

Chapter 6: Crash and Redemption: Fragmentary Paths to Recovery

Johnnie pauses, looking at me for what feels like a millennium. He just looks at my face, analyzing my facial expressions. Why did I just tell him that? "What?" he says, not being able to say anything else. "I'm sorry, but I just don't think I deserve someone like you...Like I have my mental health shit and stuff and it'll just be too much for you. I can't do that to you." I say, almost trembling. "Y/n, we can get through that together. It won't destroy me or this," he says calmly. He always sounds so damn calm. "I...I just don't want to burden you!" I say, loudly. I turn my back to him and walk to my car, crying. I'm trying not to make too much noise so he doesn't notice, but it's hard not to. "Wait, y/n!" I hear Johnnie shout. I turn behind me for a quick second and see him speed-walking after me. I turn back around keep walking to my car and get inside, shutting the car door. Johnnie walks up to the window of the car and looks into my eyes. He's crying. A lot. I feel bad, but I'll feel even worse putting all of my stress and problems on him. "Y/n...Please don't do this!" he says while tears fall out of his eyes, one by one. I turn to look at him and back at the road, "I'm sorry, Johnnie" I say and begin driving off.

Johnnie's POV:

  I watch as the car drives off, away from me. I don't want her to leave. I wish she would come back. But she's not. In all honestly, I get where she's coming from, I feel like that sometimes. But I have problems too, everyone does. We could fight them together. Man, why does she have to leave? I look at the road, staring at the ground. Tears start to form in my eyes, I don't hold it back, I just let it out. I couldn't care less right now, it hurts...bad. I realize I'm standing in the middle of the road. I turn my head back and forth and walk back towards the door to my house. As I get to the door, I stand there for a second. Just staring at the doorknob. All I can think about is her. I feel like I should chase after her, but she needs space and honestly, I do too. I place my hand on the doorknob and twist, opening the door. As soon as I step foot in the house, I'm startled by Jake. He's standing there, facing me with a genuinely sad look on his face. "What happened? Was it to do with Penny??" he asks. "No, it had nothing to do with a penny, that had no part in any of this!" I say, sarcastically. He sits down with me on the couch patting my back as he comforts me. But he's not really comforting me. Nothing right now can comfort me.

Y/n POV:

  Beep! Scrrr...! I'm driving like a maniac. I'm speeding at 80 miles per hour. Streetlights shine bright on the road. The sounds of Cars drive in different directions. I can't even think straight. My mind is contemplating on so many things at once. Whether or not I should go back to Johnnie and apologize. Whether or not Penny was in the wrong or right. Was I actually the one in the wrong? No. No. It was definitely her, right? I didn't do anything wrong, right? Was taking a break from Johnnie a bad idea? I don't wanna be away from him...Ever. All of a sudden I see a striking, intense bright light shine directly into my eyes. I gasp as soon as I realize what exactly is happening. There is a black Toyota in front of my car about to crash right into my vehicle. No. Shit. Why? Why was I driving so recklessly? So fucking stupid. I'm so fucking stupid. I try to swerve out of the way but it's too late. Both of our cars crash directly right into each other...Silence.

  I wake up, in my car. My are eyes fuzzy and blurry. I pick myself up, my body aches so bad. My entire body is in pain and my head feels like it has been cut open. I lift my hand up to my head to check. I feel a nasty wound and lots of blood pouring from it. Red. Blue. Red, blue. Blue, red. Blue, red. Police. It's the police. There is also an ambulance to my right. I notice there is a horrendous fire on the hood of my car. Oh, fuck. I grunt and quickly get out, running to the ambulance. I'm slowly walking, constantly almost falling and almost tripping all over myself. I look around before someone approaches me. It's a few men with a gurney right beside them. Before I can process what is even really happening my vision starts to darken and I can barely see. I collapse, passing out.

  I wake up to the sound of a heart monitor beeping. Beep...Beep....Beep. I look around the room, scanning every detail. I'm just alone in a hospital room. I just stare at random things placed in the room until I remember what happened. Right, I was in a damn car wreck. I was driving and someone ran into me. The car drifted into the wrong lane, which was facing the opposite direction as me and we crashed. Thankfully, I wasn't speeding when it happened. I had actually just started slowly down at that time. That's good for two reasons, I won't be held accountable for the wreck and the wreck didn't end up as bad as it could've of. I mean...The wreck wasn't really my fault, but I still feel guilty because just right before I was speeding. I could've hurt someone really badly while speeding. Why can't I just control my emotions? Johnnie does it so well, at least from what I've seen of him. Maybe he's not actually good at it though. As I continue to get lost in my thoughts, I am interrupted by Johnnie walking in. Tears fill his eyes as he looks at me. He doesn't say anything. He just looks at me and eventually walks over to me, taking a seat right beside me. He holds up his hands up to mine and holds them... "I'm sorry" he mutters. "I'm so fucking sorry, y/n..." he says while crying. I don't know what to say or how to respond to this. He rubs my hands gently and looks into my eyes. "Why are you sorry?" I say. "Because you got so fucked up from that car wreck," he says almost laughing. I look down at my legs. I haven't even noticed until now that my right leg is in a cast and my head has stitches sewn in it. We both laugh simultaneously. "I just realized my legs were broken," I say. "Yeah it's pretty rough," he says. He then places his hand on my cheek, carefully and leans in to kiss me. He stayed the night with me at the hospital. The doctors informed us that I'll have to stay for two days before I can leave.

   It is now night and Johnnie is sprawled out on the couch next to me, sleeping. He was lying with me on the bed for a while but suggested he should sleep on the couch so I'm not uncomfortable. But I wouldn't be uncomfortable with Johnnie sleeping next to me, even if it's crammed. I wouldn't care. Johnnie's touch would never make me uncomfortable. It's cheezy and cringe, I know...I know. But I don't really give two shits.

  I walk out of the car, Johnnie helping me walk to his house. This sucks so much. Now I have a broken leg and it's gonna be like this for about 8 weeks. Great. So great. Johnnie's great though, he's been helping me so much. I don't deserve him. We go inside and head to Johnnie's room. He helps me lay on the bed and stands right beside me, looking down at me while rubbing his thumb against my cheek. He asks if I want anything to drink. "A lemonade would be nice," I say. He walks out the room, leaving me here to just stare at random things and wait. God, I want to be in his room forever. It feels peaceful, quiet, and warm. Johnnie walks back in, handing me a lemonade. He turns on a movie and lays next to me. I rest my head and one of my hands on his chest, while fiddling my fingers with his.