Do I Deserve This? (JOHNNIE GUILBERT X READER)

Chapter 8: New Years is so Much Fucking Fun

"Wake up! Wake up!" I hear a voice say loudly, causing me to wake up. I rub my eyes and look at my blurry ceiling. I lift my head up and see Tara standing there, raising an eyebrow at me. "Okay, okay! I'm up!" I say persistently. She looks at me as if she's saying, "You know exactly why I woke you up, get your ass up and get ready". I sat up immediately without her telling me because I knew that was what she was going to say. I look to the right of me to see what time it is. 5 pm. 5 PM? I woke up so late! Oh my god! Good thing I didn't have work today, that would've been bad. "It's so late" I mumble, still tired. "I know, we have to get ready for the New Years party right this second. Get in the shower, now!" Tara says. Oh yeah. The party. I forgot that was today, it starts at 7 pm so I really do need to start getting ready. I turn my head from side to side, looking around for Johnnie. But he's nowhere in the room. At least I don't see him. Tara realizes who I'm looking for and she says, "he's downstairs, chilling with Jake right now. They're already ready to go to the party so we really need to get ready girl!!". She pushed the towel against against me, expecting me to hold it, and began to walk out of the room. "You have 20 minutes to get a shower and get dressed then I'm coming back!" she says before shutting the door behind her.

Ahh...I really don't wanna go to that party. I'm tired, I just want to sleep all day. Wait. There's something else that for some reason I can't remember. What is pulling me back from going to this party? It's like a fear. It feels like a punch to the stomach. But what the hell is it? I forget about it and walk to the bathroom to shower. While I'm in the shower I can't help but keep wondering why I'm so nervous to go to the party. I don't want to know but at the same time, I do. I'm sure I'll remember it soon anyway. I just woke up so, my mind is still kinda foggy and-...No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Reggie. That's what it is. Reggie is coming to that stupid New Year's party! I don't wanna run into him...I don't even like thinking about about him. Every time I picture his face I want to cry. Yes, cry. I want to fucking cry because all I can think about is what he's done. The feeling of a hand gripping my ass. The feeling of a hand cupping my breast from behind. "It's just a joke" It's meaningless, he says, brushing it off like it's nothing. Was the time you attempted to rape me also "just a joke"? His manipulative, condensing voice still lingers in my ear. Jake's never even noticed, and neither did Jillian. It hurts that they've never realized, it almost feels like they don't pay attention to me. But I know that's not true, they're just not observant, I guess. They don't pay attention to body language and detail as much as I do. I don't want them to know anyway. I hate talking about my feelings. I've never liked it. Being open and vulnerable to someone is scary because they could take what you've shared with them and destroy you...Or even worse, completely abandoned you. That terrifies me.

  I step out of the shower and get dressed. Tara picked out an outfit for me, like always when we're going out. I guess she doesn't think I'm good at it. To be fair, I'm really not. I'm pretty god-awful at it. Tara bursts into the restroom, the door swings wide open. "What the hell, Tara?? I could've been naked!" I shout. "Oh whatever, nothing I haven't seen before," she says. Sometimes I want to punch her in the face. I love her, I would die for her but she can be a real pain in the ass. She is right though, we've literally taken showers together. Yeah...she used to make me tag along to a bunch of parties with her. Well, she still does that but this was like every day sometimes more than once a day...Let's just say there wasn't really any other option but to shower together unless we wanted wet cement to dry on us. Crazy times. Tara lifts up her eyeliner and begins to draw a wing to her eyelid. I watch as Tara so delicately applies the eyeliner. I do the same with my eyeliner except I'm going to add black eyeshadow.

 
After we're finished with our makeup and hair Tara suggests we take selfies before leaving. Of course, I agree but I don't want to. I hate taking photos. It makes me feel so insecure about my face. I take them anyway though and take a few of Tara. Her skin glimmers. her dark brown hair shines...Footsteps begin to approach us as I take the last photo of Tara. It is Johnnie. He peeks his head into the room, looking at us. "Oh, sorry, I'll leave you too alone for a second," Tara says, starting to walk towards the door. "But be quick! I'm not trying to be late, guys!" she shouts before leaving us alone. Johnnie looks over at me, analyzing every detail of my face. Scanning my body with his eyes. It's silent for a while. We don't say anything. We just look at each other. Mesmerized by every single element and feature of one another. Looking at the societal flaws and imperfections spread across our faces and bodies. They may be flaws to the outside world, but to us, they're not. To us, they're the opposite. Johnnie slowly starts walking towards me, one foot after the other. He gets so close we're practically kissing. He wraps his hands around my waist, pulling me into him. He leans his head closer to my shoulder, his mouth right next to my ear, and whispers, "I want to kiss you so bad right now".
He pulls his head back, looking me in the eyes. I lean my head so close to his, that our lips are touching. "Then do it" I say. I pull my lips away from his, teasing him. I step to the side, walking past him until I feel a hand on my arm. I look back at Johnnie. His hand wrapped around my arm. He pulls my arm back, causing me to be pulled right back into him. His eyes look so deeply into mine as if he's searching for something. His mouth is slightly open, so desperate to kiss me. I lean in, kissing him passionately on his soft lips. My hands begin to move up his back, to his shoulders, then I let go and place them on the back of his neck. As we're making out, Johnnie is slowly walking forward, pushing me up against the door. His hands cupping my face, gently massaging my cheeks with his thumbs. This feels different. We've made out plenty of times before but this isn't the same. It feels weird. Better. Passionate. Intense. Sincere. It feels so damn good. I wanna stay in contact with him forever. I want this to last forever. We both pull away from each other. I know that he feels the same way I feel. I can see the excitement and fear in his eyes. I have the same look on my face. I'm scared of this, it's a new feeling. Something I've never felt before, not even with Jillian. He clears his throat and stands there awkwardly for a second before saying, "We should uhh...We should get going now". I nod and we head out to the car with Jake and Tara. "All right everyone buckled up?" Jake asks with a strong Southern accent. Jake begins to drive. He puts one of his hands on the volume for the radio and turns it up. The music blasts so vociferously, that the car is shaking. Tara and Jake know the entire lyrics to this song. I don't even know what this song is. I don't think I've ever even heard of it before. They both move side to side, up and down, banging their heads back and forth to the music. God, they're so perfect. Sometimes I wish Johnnie and I were more like that. Me and Johnnie aren't ever like that. Are we not a good couple? Are we not right for each other? No. No. Stop thinking like that. I hate when my mind corrupts my thoughts like that. Like a presence taking over my brain entirely, looking at every negative aspect of myself. Maybe it's not a bad thing we're not like Jake and Tara. We're our own people, we don't need to mimic others for this to be real.