i feel u, i luv u

hues in me.

Cheng stumbled into the washroom stall, his fingers trembling while attempting to lock the door. He slid down on the floor, hugging his knees to the chest, as his heart beat grew louder in his ears. He tried to breathe deeper and slower, counting each one. Cheng tried to silence the overwhelming noices in his head. There is a war inside him and he hates it.

Cheng doesnt know how long it took him to calm himself. Once he could control his messed up mind and body, he left for his apartment and locked himself in his room. The comfort of his bed and the weighted blanket were what he needed then. His body shut down as he settled into the familiar warmth.

The knock on his door woke him up. How long did he sleep? Oh it's 4 in the evening already.

"A-Cheng?? You in there??"- it was Wuxian.

"Yeah. What is it?"- his voice was hoarse after the long sleep.

"Are you alright? I looked for you at lunch time. Huisang said he didnt see you either. Where were you?"

"I was just tired. Skipped classes."

"Are you sick, Cheng-cheng? I can make your favorite lavender tea......Can I come in?"- Wuxian asked worried.

"No, I want some sleep."

"........Call me if you need anything Cheng-cheng. I'm here."

Cheng felt tears filling his eyes. Its nice to know Wuxian is there for him, as always. When he first had an anxiety attack at fifteen, Wuxian held him through it, urging him to breath, holding his trembling hands in his own, leaning their foreheads together, grounding him. Cheng doesnt need to tell Wuxian for him to know he is going through a hard time. In that sense Wuxian is his soulmate. Wuxian gets him.

Cheng needed to sort out his feelings and thoughts. He got up and sat in front of the blank canvas in the corner of his room. He often paints when he's troubled.
It's like giving his thoughts some colours. Angry reds, dark greens, moody greys and pitch black in messy strokes and curves.

This time he starts with amber yellow, like those eyes. It fills him with a feeling of yearning which he tries to let out with a shaky breath. Xichen...he looks like a good person. A kind, charming, put together person. He sure has a lot of admirers too. Cheng is just...Cheng. Boring, mean, grumpy Cheng. How come he is Xichen's soulmate? Grey started clouding those amber strokes. He will never be enough for Xichen. He is not someone who will standout in a crowd of people like Xichen does. Not someone who will charm people with his smiles and words. The young CEO will want someone like Yao, who somehow manages to make people his puppets. Being with Cheng wouldnt do Xichen any good. But Yao...Jealous dark greens started growing on the canvas like vines on trees, twisting, turning, winding around the corners. Xichen's hand holding Yao close, the adoration in his face. Cheng's lips trembled at the memory. He has no right to be jealous about it, he knows. But he can't help it. They would make an amazing couple.

He put down the brush and stares at the messy canvas. Grief fills him and wet his cheeks. He wants to get away from all this. He hopes he never has to meet them again. But that's not how life works. Because the very next day, he has to attend a charity gala, at the Jin Mansion. His mother demanded him to be there. Its the first time he's attending such an event. She said it's time he start interacting with other businessmen, to build relations. All the influencial people will be there. And most definitely Xichen too.

He doesnt know how he's supposed to act around Xichen. Yes, he is attracted to him, no point in denying it. But even if it is reciprocated, he doesn't think it'll last. He doesn't think anybody will tolerate him for long, his soulmate or not. He can't help but wonder how he is going to keep himself from breaking down tomorrow.