Alvin's Hidden Life

Chapter 6: Simon: Defying Logic

"Get up! Get up! GET UP! Simon! SIMON!"

"Uuuggghhh! Can I please get one night of sleeping in peace? What is it Alvin?"

"Nothin.'"

"NOTHING? Seriously Alvin!"

He is so annoying! I just can't take it anymore!

"I'm going back to bed, and PLEASE don't wake me up again!"

"Okay, sounds good. Hey Simon, I think I'm going to go mess around in your lab. What was that code again?"

"Alvin!"

I hated it when he did that. He always woke me up and immediately got on my nerves. As I was rubbing my eyes trying to get used to the light he just turned on, I saw Alvin entering numbers in on my keypad. He was repeatedly shocking himself by entering in the wrong passcode, putting in play the defense system I had set up to keep him out. He yelped every time it shocked him but kept doing it over and over again anyway.

"That's IT! Nobody can get any sleep around here with you screaming in pain every time you get my code wrong! I guess now that I'm up, I'll head down for breakfast."

"But Simon! I have to get in to find some gear to destroy the body snatcher!"

"THERE IS NO BODY SNATCHER! If I hear one more mention of that fake alien Alvin, my brain is literally going to explode!"

"Okay, Simon, your brain can't literally explode unless there is a body snatcher inside of you. Even I know that! Since you don't believe in them, you obviously have not been taken over, meaning your brain can't explode! That's basic stuff Simon!"

"Nope, Alvin that's not even remotely true, that literally makes no sense. This conversation is over. I'm going downstairs."

"Okay! I'll get this code right eventually!"

If there was one thing I didn't understand, it was the way that Alvin's brain functioned. He's the most ridiculous person I have met in my entire life, and I had to deal with it all the time! I don't get how he always comes up with all of these random, outlandish conclusions about everyday problems, but the fact that he believes them is even more stupefying! Like, who in their right mind would believe that instead of someone deciding to be nice to you, they had been taken over by an alien?

"Simon, Simon! Do you want to try my latest batch of cinnamon rolls? I made them with just a little extra cinnamon, and I even added a super big glob of frosting!"

"Oh, sure Theodore, that sounds delicious!"

"Yay! Thanks Simon!"

I took a seat at the counter and took a bite. It was so delicious, definitely his best yet. The first batch was... well... not that good, but he had definitely made progress!

"Theodore! These are amazing! Best batch yet!"

"Yay! I'm going to go take some over to Eleanor! She'll be super excited!"

"Okay, I'll see you later then! Have fun!"

Theodore always provided me a nice break from dealing with Alvin, but I couldn't dodge him forever. I knew I had better go check on Alvin and make sure he didn't get into my lab. Somehow, he always found a way to get in, no matter how many times I changed the passcode. I walked into the room and saw that he was still shocking himself over and over. He turned in my direction and looked completely unharmed, but completely invigorated to continue trying.

"I'll get in here eventually Simon!"

When he said that, I believed him. It made no sense but he always beat the odds. I decided to tell him the chances anyway, hoping he would give up when he heard them, but I knew he wouldn't.

"Alvin, there is no way you are going to get into my lab. There are exactly one billion possibilities to get into my lab because I chose a nine digit code this time. In theory, if every guess takes you approximately five seconds, in order to go through just half of the possible combinations it would take you 79 years and just under 80 days and 12 hours including leap years, so you might as well give up."

"Never!"

"Oh, whatever Alvin. I'll be downstairs in my lab if you need me."

If he wanted to continually shock himself, I had no reason to stop him. He deserved it. When I invented the defense mechanism, I chose to make it harmless to his long term health. I knew that he would continually do it even if it was awful for him, and I didn't want to harm him, I just wanted him to stay away from my stuff! He makes things so difficult when I try to watch out for him. Every time he entered my lab, there was at least a 50% chance of the house blowing up, a fire starting, or the FBI getting involved. All I needed was for him to keep his hands off of my stuff for his own safety!

Honestly, I figured it might be okay if Alvin was distracted with getting into my lab all day. I could maybe have a chance to relax on my Saturday instead of making sure he stayed out of any trouble. I thought I would be spending the weekend stopping Alvin from killing Brittany. If he wasn't so distracted trying to break into my lab, that's exactly what I would have been doing. He probably would have tried to save Brittany by shooting her with my giant laser machine or something. He is so unpredictably stupid sometimes and—

*RIIIIIIIIING!*

It was Jeanette. I wondered what she could be calling about.

("Hey Jeanette, what's up?")

("Simon, what do I do? Brittany really has been taken over by a body snatcher!")

("What?")

("Simon, she was walking around the house hallucinating, vomiting, and she was even mumbling in her sleep!")

("So in other words... she's sick? Jeanette! You can't fall for Alvin's stupid games! He does this all the time, and he's been correct, like, once in his entire life. Considering the number of times he does stuff like this, the odds aren't very good.")

("Simon, I don't think she is just sick.")

("Brittany being taken over by an alien just completely defies logic! Why don't you just take her to a doctor and see if they have a diagnosis!")

("Oh... yeah, I can't believe I didn't think of that.")

("If you take her to the doctor and she isn't sick then you can explore other possibilities, but these are just symptoms of the common flu.")

("Yeah, you're probably right Simon. I'm just... I'm just worried about her.")

("Sorry Jeanette, I got carried away with logic again instead of how scared you must be. I'm sure if you just take her to the doctor, everything will be better off and you'll see that she just has the flu or another type of virus. Maybe try to keep your distance though until you get her tested, and make sure to practice good hygiene.")

("Thanks Simon! That was really helpful. I'm going to go ahead and take her to the doctor as soon as we get her ready.")

("No problem! Bye, Jeanette.")

("Goodbye, Simon.")

I could not understand how Alvin had already got Jeanette to think that Brittany was an alien! I had to hope the doctor's visit went well and that the doctor came up with a good diagnosis because I didn't ever want to hear about another one of Alvin's body snatchers again.