The Archers Heart

7 - What if...?

I was thankful for his patience, not able to speak out loud how much my injury had hit me. The thought of loosing my fertility still stinging hard in my mind. Making my way through the softly heated room, I reached the big bathtub. Slowly undressing myself, I looked at my stomach, squeezing my eyes shut, trying to force down the tears that started to form in my eyes. But it was a helpless cause. I couldn't help myself but cry again.

My knees gave in under my emotions and I ended up curled up to a ball on the floor next to the embedded bathtub. I cried until I had no tears left to cry, my body tensed and sore from the shaking, not being used to that much physical action in a while. My mind was racing between absolute overwhelming pain and the complete numbness it tried to hide in to deal with my feelings. 

Laying there on the warm tile floor, I stared up at the ceiling for several moments, before I found the willpower to get up again and to carry on with what I was supposed to do. Slowly sinking into the nice hot water, I started with my hair. Unbraiding the messy strands and detangling it carefully with my brush, before I washed it thoroughly, oiling it as well, before putting it up in a loose bun. Then I focused on my body, washing every bit of it with the greatest care and determination. I knew I didn't need to take that much time to clean myself, but I felt like I needed to do it, to get rid of the nasty feeling inside my mind.

After I had washed myself and put on some new clothes, I came back out again, opening up the bun, to let my hair airdry. The reflection of the glass next to me, showed that I looked as miserable as I felt, but Elrond just beamed a smile at me, taking my things out of my hand and simply shoving them into Lindirs hands. His servant looked at me with a mixture of pity and worry, before he left wordlessly.

Elrond held out a hand for me. "Walk with me, Thaleia." I did him the favor, allowing him to lead me through his realm. We walked in silence for a while, until we reached the more peaceful side of the gardens, where elves rarely were to be found during this time of the day. He steered us towards a stone bench in the sun, signaling me to take a seat, before he sat down next to me. Not knowing what he wanted, I stayed silent, staring down on my feet and the soft green gras between them.

"I hope you understand why we are here." Elrond started and I felt him looking at me. I simply nodded, waiting for him to carry on, which he did promptly: "Good. I want you to know, that I am very sorry for your loss. I tried my best to not only save you, but also your fertility. But I needed to make a decision. It was either you being alive, or you dying from the poison being caught to long in your body." He paused shortly, clearly thinking about how to word his explanation: "The poison had already eaten through your skin and body, affecting your reproductive organs to a point, where I wasn't able to rebuilt the damage that had been done. I couldn't help myself, but I needed... wanted you to stay alive, so I did what I never thought I had to do. I am sorry and I hope that one day, you will be able to forgive me."

That's when I looked up at him, forcing a smile on my lips: "You don't have to feel bad. It was not your fault. Neither was it Legolas, or Haldirs. Things happen. And I am grateful to be alive. Its just... I..." I stopped, taking a deep breath and looking away, to catch my thoughts again. "I honestly never considered myself to become a mother. My choice of life simply not being fit for a child. I never wanted one anyway, but now that it has been taken away like that, I cant help myself but wonder. What if I would have changed my mind one day? What if my believes were to change in the future? I would have liked to have that decision, but now..."

Elrond did not say anything. He just took my hand in his, stroking the back of it with his thumb. After a while he spoke again: "I am thankful to hear that and I understand what you mean. If you need anything, I am here. You can come to me with anything. I shall be an open ear, the person to give you an advise or simply just distract you from your mind. But I guess a certain Commander should be able to do the same." He added with a smile and I couldn't help myself but laugh at his attempt to make me smile again.