⊱Rantbook⊱

what the fuck is wrong lol

I am writing this for my friends who heard me complain about myself numerous of times, and because I want to get it out of my head. Don't expect some poetic writing and don't ask me to check my grammar because I won't lol. I didn't proofread, don't want to cause it is too heavy. 

TW : Mention of suicide, self-harm, death, trauma dump, kinks (shut up).

I've been raised by loving and caring parents. The best I could wish for, really. We are intensely close and share a lot of things together. But there is one problem in the way they raised me : They projected their own failure on me. 

My dad could have been good at school if it wasn't for the ENTERTAINING side of life. He has lived a fun and dangerous (kinda playboy, y'all would have simped for my dad LMFAO) youth, but the school was "meh". He didn't graduate highschool and works as a truck driver (my dad is a fucken pilot) thanks to the licences he got during his military service. 

My dad was the definition of CARELESS AS FUCK. Bitch didn't give a shit about his own life, it was all a game to him, and he scared his emotional mom more than once lol. Poor grandma doesn't count the number of times she thought she was having a heart attack. 

- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE ?

- I broke your car lol. 

ANYWAY, and then I was born. He always tells this story with tearful eyes. "Even when your mom was pregnant I didn't know what it represented. But then you were born, and I held you in my arms and that's when my life found its meaning, its purpose. I am here to be your father." 

(hold back your dark vader jokes)

Because he loves me, and because he failed school, I've heard "don't repeat my mistakes." since forever. I didn't know what a mistake was that I already knew I didn't have the right to make one. 

In France we are graded out of 20. I had the rule to only bring 15/20 and above. Under 15/20, I was being punished. 

Once, in high school, I brought him a 17/20. He said "That's it?"

Yes. "I brought him". Because I internalised that getting good grades = good reactions, bad grades = bad reactions. And I was proud when I was getting good reactions. 

It's not "I have good grades, so I am proud." It was "I have good grades, so my parents will be proud, so I can be proud of myself." 

Always seeking for validation, because I was my daddy's good girl. Because I was doing what he told me, "not repeating his mistakes". 

(it fucking explains my kinks I wanna die now writing this). 

Not that I was always working, because now comes my mom. 

My mom is a teacher, so I've always been taught the good academic methods, she would always be with me to do the homeworks and all. So being a pupil has never been hard. I wasn't working hard to get my good grades, the pressure was mostly mental, emotional. "I mustn't fail my parents." 

For my mom, the most important thing was not to be the best, but for me to understand my mistakes. The thing is my mom was always in retreat compared to my dad. So my dad's words stuck to me more than my mom's, probably because we were closer ? or because my mom would concede to my dad. 

"You have to be the best."

"If you are the best, every school's doors will be opened to you." Keep that one in mind. 

So I grew found of school because it was easy. I was successful, my parents were happy, so was I and everything was fine. 

I am talking about words I've heard since I've been like... 5 ? I've literally been built with those "values", constructed with those mecanisms.